I'm scared and can't make up my mind

[SteamingPistons]

I had postnatal depression and hated motherhood for 2.5 years, struggled to get joy from the little moments. I felt a constant sense of regret for having a child, even though I love him, I just felt like my freedom was completely taken away, my once amazing relationship became mundane and I got a bit obsessed with my c-section overhang as I was only 24 was he was born. I've been on antidepressants for 6 months and have been really enjoying motherhood and even daydreaming about him having a brother or sister. My partner is really up for having another baby. But then I keep getting cold feet about it and feeling really confused, down, and anxious about having another one. I don't know if I'll ever be 100% sure because of my previous negative experience. To make matters worse I have fallen in love with a colleague. I've had feelings for him for a year and a half which I have not pursued because I am committed to my long term partner and I accept that it's just a fantasy and I am probably just bored with his mundane life is these days; it's all bills, food shopping, bum changes, work. I do have time for me where I go exercising before work either running, swimming, yoga and that's really helped my mental health. I guess I'm just scared having another will completely destroy my mental health and make me suicidal and might destroy what's left of our relationship. The sex is good and he is still a lovely man but the bond me and my partner had before DS has changed so much, which I know is to be expected but I wish we had longer as a couplle before children (DS wasn't planned). I appreciate I sound horribly selfish and I feel terrible about that but I can't help how I feel.

I told the guy at work how I felt as I was convinced he just saw me as a friend and I told him it hurt me to be around him. He confused me further as he started off by saying what a good friend I am and he wants me in his social circle etc but then about 4 hours later he told me he loves me. I asked him in what way and he said in a way that I mean a lot to him and he's changed so much for the better since he's known me and values the friendship. He's confused me as he keeps taking about friendship but then saying things like he loves me. Confusing my feelings even more!

I know it's dangerous so won't be carrying on with this, we've not been messaging since and I don't really see him at work as we sit in different parts of the office. But I think the sense of hope that he could feel the same way is also affecting how I feel about having another baby with DP.

This is a mess.

Don't have another baby yet. What's the rush? You need to be sure.

And to be honest, I don't think it sounds like you and your son's dad are going to go the distance. It certainly doesn't sound like you should be having another child, and that's besides the concerns you have for your mental health.

Not meant nastily, but the way you talk about this other man sounds quite immature. If you're committed to your partner, why are you having confusing ongoing conversations with this other man? He is enjoying messing with your head and you sound a bit like you are enjoying the drama of it.

I don’t think you should have another child, certainly not at the moment.

As for the friend, I’m not sure why you told him you had feelings for him unless you wanted to know if they were reciprocated, in which case even more of a reason not to have another child.

I cannot understand why you are contemplating having another child whilst you feel like this, you need to sort yourself out first.
You do sound very immature and suddenly excitement is lacking in your life and you are trying to recreate this with another man.

Hmmm yeah I think you are right about me trying to recreate excitement.

I think you're struggling because there's actually a massive societal pressure to pop out a second baby. As the proud mother of one (who was only ever going to be an only) I've experienced this myself -- and I didn't believe it was a 'thing' until I experienced it.

While you may 'daydream' about a second child, there's nothing in your post to suggest you actually want one. You're bored in your relationship, you had serious PND first time around, you're craving excitement. I suspect you're self-sabotaging too.

Just stop. Take a breath. Forget about a second child for now (you're still very young). No discussions about #2 and no pressure from DH. Just continue to enjoy your child, work on your relationship with DH, ignore office distraction dude and continuing with your healing. Check in with yourself in 6 months, then maybe get some counselling to unpick your feelings.

Life is sometimes terribly mundane. So you either fix what's there, or you make big changes. Having another child or starting an office fling aren't the kind of changes I mean though.

LonnyVonny I think you are on the money completely.

I have been having a think that I need to chat to DP and say that I think we need more quality time as a couple alongside being parents before adding another baby to the mix.