Deeply unpleasant person

[palmtreecoffeecup]

I left my husband as he was violent

One of the things he used to tell me was that I was deeply unpleasant person

Even a long time later I can't shake how bad that makes me feel

I can't even talk to anyone about it

Not sure what the point of my post is - I guess how do I shake this feeling that I'm walking around with?

He was violent to you physically AND mentally then. All part of his profile, not yours. You're still injured. Recognising that, and where it is from (him, not you, never was), will help.

Thank you

I guess it hurts so much because this is the person I trusted above all else, who I thought adored me, saw the best in me, chose to love me

And that person said this to me

Good for you for leaving him. He sounds manipulative as well as violent. Certainly his issue, but that doesn’t change the feelings you’ve been left with.
Are you able to believe that you’re not an unpleasant person?

Ah so sad OP.

As I keep on telling my daughters, " if they really loved you, they would help you grow ". They wouldn't push their version of acceptable/unacceptable down your throat. Anyway, his version of reality is only one out of 8 billion. And it isn't a very healthy reality.

Onwards and upwards OP.

I'm struggling to believe it - it's like this constant undertone or refrain in my head

Google "narcissist projection" and "transfer of feelings". Thats whst he has done to you. There are some fab videos on YouTube explaining and exploring this particularly nasty form of abuse.

These things have helped me understand. Sorry i can't be more help but above all, YOU are not the bad one here.

I struggled with feeling like that for many years. I got reffered for an intense CBT course. It helped me so much I can't begin to explain. Its about changing how you see yourself, i used to tell myself i was shit so often it was almost like a running mantra in my head and CBT helped me break that cycle. Could you get a refferal from your GP for CBT?

I'm sorry this has had such an (understandable) impact on you, OP.

But he's not the most reliable of narrators is he? You don't need to respect his opinion of you. He is a violent person, hardly pleasant himself. He's projecting.

Thank you everyone for your help - that was very kind of you.

Struggling today ...

He was projecting how he felt deep down about himself on to you.

One of the things he used to tell me was that I was deeply unpleasant person

You are not

He said this as a way of carving away your confidence, trying to break you down, stop you being your true self. It is about control and about making himself feel better.

Oh this is so heartbreaking. It isn't true, what he said isn't true!

Darling it is he who is the deeply unpleasant person.

You could try Melanie Tonia Evans for healing from narcissistic abuse.

Be kind to yourself

OP, he was trying to make you feel as bad as he feels. He knows he's a really bad person. He knows how awful it is to be violent to your wife. Deep down he knows why you wanted to leave him. He told you that so that you'd feel bad, too. He knows the power of words and knows that the words will linger longer than the blows. Everything he did was deliberate in order to hurt you, to make your pain match his own.

I think you need counselling and to surround yourself with people who love you.

I'm having counselling but I'm too ashamed of saying it out loud to tell her- which is stupid because she can't help with things I don't mention

You poor thing. He knew what to say to hurt you didn’t he.

You found him out for what he is. He said that to punish you. Ignore ignore ignore.

He’s the deeply unpleasant one not you!! As others have said he’s projected his perceptions about himself onto you. It’s a tactic aimed at making the abuser feel better.
Tell your counseller because you can heal by talking about it. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed about.
Well done for getting rid !

Those horrible words don't belong to you, they're not yours.

You have nothing to be ashamed of

Do you think you would find it any easier to tell her if you wrote it down and handed it to her?

Or if you introduced it the way you've told us about it? So by saying there was something your violent ex used to tell you about yourself, it makes you feel ashamed, you can't shake it, you'd like her help with it, but you feel too ashamed to say it out loud?

If you do it that way you've explained the background, and then it gives her a chance to tell you her perspective on how she would view that and help you with it before you go any further. Which I hope would give you the confidence to share it with her (whether verbally or written down).

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It will teach you about the mental side of the abuse and how it affects us, which will probably help you to distance yourself a little bit from the things he told you. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Emotionally rather than practically I agree with everyone else. Him telling you that was part of the abuse. At the moment you still have his voice in your head, but in time there are ways you can get rid of it. It's just something he said to you to make you easier to control.

If it had been true, it wouldn't distress you so much.

Remember this too, he tells you how unpleasant you are yet you are the one who left him.
It’s a control thing.