Feeling left out

[Newbabies15]

I'm not a bridesmaid but my friends are. My friend since school is getting married and she's chosen 3 bridesmaids - 2 to whom she's been a bridesmaid before and 1 who is not married.
When I got married I decided to chose my sister because I didn't want to chose some of my friends and leave others out.
They've all been bridesmaids to each other and nobody has chosen me once. It just gets me down.
It's not just that though -
I feel like I always make an effort with them and it's not reciprocated. For example , when it was my friend's birthday , they all went to stay somewhere for a weekend and I joined them after - by myself. When it was my birthday and I wanted to go for a weekend - one friend couldn't make it and they ALL decided to stay and travel with this one friend - when I had to travel by myself. It's like they care for each other and not for me. Also, they all have well paid jobs and I think they think they're better than me/I am no use to them.

Put the bridesmaid thing to one side. You didn't choose any of them, but you're not happy about none of them choosing you. Get over it. It really isn't a big deal.

If you feel in OTHER respects outside of weddings you are make more effort than they do, then stop making the effort and find friends who treat you equally.

You didn't choose them to be bridesmaids, it is understandable that they didn't choose you back. You can't be upset over that.

If you are feeling excluded from the friendship in other ways perhaps it is time to find some new friends, don't cut these old friends off, but just see them a bit less perhaps. It's healthy to have different groups if friends and not keep all your eggs in one basket.

I didn't chose them because I couldn't afford to chose all 6 and have 6 bridesmaids but I didn't think it was fair to chose some and exclude others. They don't give a crap. They just chose who they want . I find it awkward especially if we're all a group of friends.

It's like favouritism.

Do you have other friends OP? I think you need to start making equal effort and see where that leads. Meanwhile cultivate other friendships so you're less reliant on their acceptance and approval

Oh grow up. Seriously, the bridesmaids thing makes you sound like a petulant teenager. You really expect them to choose what to do on their wedding based on what you did? Get a grip.

Not sure you can complain about the bridesmaid situation and they probably bonded a fair bit when they were all making wedding arrangements together. Did you go to any hen parties?

You have sort of side lined yourself I'm afraid.

I did the same as you op - didn't pick from a set group because I couldn't have them all. We've assignment followed that because we ask have siblings, other close friendships. I do understand why it hurts but you have to let it go because a) you didn't pick them either b) its one day c) tippy need typo focus on how they treat you the rest of the time

I don't expect them to chose me. I expect them to not pick and chose some of us.

I don't expect them to chose me. I expect them to not pick and chose some of us.

Really? In your OP you said it got you down that nobody has chosen you once. So which is it?

I repeat what I said. You expected all your friends to not have ANY of your friendship group as their bridesmaids just because you didn't. That's ridiculous and unreasonable.

Makes me wonder if there are reasons why they decided to travel with the other friend rather than you...

I didn’t realise bridesmaids worked as “I’ll have you if you have me”. It’s a bit of silly etiquette.

What I would say is - you can outgrow friends. It’s a shame that you feel you are making all the effort OP. are there any other groups you can go to? Try to bond with other people? Neighbours perhaps?

I just dont agree with picking and chosing.

So you didn't but they don't have to have the same beliefs. You need to assess what you're getting out of the friendships beyond the weddings

This is clearly a big deal for you as you have had two other threads about being disappointed with your friends.

2 July
Since having my twins my relationship with a group of friends has changed. We weren’t best of friends before but since having my babies, their behaviour makes me angry. We have a whatsapp group and some of my friends have babies. They post photos and ask for advice and I comment and compliment, and so do my friends. But for some reason when I post photos of my twins, hardly anyone compliments. My friends always have problems too and they complain regularly without doing anything about it. They all enjoy helping each other with their problems - they would also help me.

4 July
My friends can’t be happy for me. My twins are 4.5 months and my friend had a baby around the same time. We message each other and they regularly post about their kids. I do too but they never say anything positive about my babies. I’m always happy for them but they are never for me.

In the nicest possible way, either you have totally different expectations of what friendships means than they do or maybe there is something in your attitude or demeanour that has pushed them away. Your really OTT reaction and expectation of how you think they should "cast" their weddings does tend to make me think the latter is more likely and that they have been distancing themselves from you.

Either way, this is clearly upsetting and indeed causing you actual anger. I suggest finding some other friends would be a good move but also accepting that those friend don't have to follow your lead and do things how you would.

There is no such thing as totally equal friendships in a group. Within a group some will always be closer than others. While you've been focused on everyone being equal, you've prevented yourself making closer ties to some of the women in the group, while they've been making closer ties with each other.

Look closely at the group, and you will see who has the closer friendships. They will be the ones making the nice comments on FB about the children, or the ones choosing to travel together.

What to do next is up to you, really. Either stay in the fringes of the group, as no one's preferred friend, or make an effort with a few in the group who you feel a stronger connection with and see if you can strengthen a few individual friendships.

True

Dis you struggle with friendships before you had kids?

Yeah i guess i did. I feel like i give my all in order for them to treat me nicely like in a controlling way i guess but everyone has to just be themselves dont they?

I think you should focus on making new friends and stop thinking about these people. They don’t feel the same way about you as you do them. Stop investing.

Bloody hell! This is Relationships, not AIBU!

WTF has got into you Shatner? Fucking horrible posts. Oh and dragging up someone's posting history, much less c+p said history = very poor form. Back off why don't you.

Op, your friends don't sound very nice. I'd back away iiwy. It's hard, especially as you feel you go back a long way, but try it for size in your head, then gradually cool off. OR disappear totally.

I think you're flogging a dead horse with this lot. They don't value you - find some lovely people who do and are thrilled to see you and spend time with you. They will enhance your life, not drag out down and hurt you - who needs that?

People can pick and choose who they like.

By not choosing your friends you may have sent an inadvertent message that you wouldn't be interested in doing it for them.

Let this go. It doesn't matter.

It does matter.

Where, and if, we fit socially is crucially important - regardless how old we are or our station in life

@Newbabies15

First, regarding your comment about giving your all in order for them to treat you nice, but in a controlling way. Can you please elaborate? Did you mean your "give your all" behavior is a way of controlling them to be nice towards you? At the end you say we should be ourselves, so it sounds like you're behaving in a manner you normally wouldn't in order to try and manipulate your friends into being nice to you. Forgive me if I've got this wrong, but is this the case?

Second thing has me wondering about what another poster said regarding how you will compliment friends children but feel sad when your children don't receive the same. I guess my question ties into how I interpreted your post that I asked about. Are your compliments given from the heart? Or do you push to say something because you want reciprocation? Generally speaking, people can tell when someone is being genuine. If the compliments are an attempt to control the situation so that your friends reciprocate, I can see why they might just avoid saying anything.

I think you've got it right - you need to be yourself. I've never had a large group of female friends and when I was in my early 20s, I may have tried to hard to please because I wanted female comraderie and companionship. None of those women are in my life today.

Recently at 31 I've made a good female friend recently, and I've been myself the entire time. Not only do I not have to worry about whether she would accept the "real" me, but she has opened up to me in a way my other friends didn't, and surprisingly quickly. I enjoy our girl time, she's there for me when I need her, I'm there for her when she needs me, and I often find her dropping in on her way home from work just to chat for 30 minutes. It doesn't feel like WORK, which my other friendships felt like. I know I'm being my genuine self, she knows, and is in kind genuine with me.

To add/agree with other posters - groups of friends will have some friends that are closer than others and this is normal/healthy. I think you may find one or two women spending more time with YOU if you relax and start being who you are fully. Understand it could take a little while for your girlfriends to understand you're being sincere and not attempting to control the situation. Keep moving forward and eventually they'll see who you are and those walls may come down.

It may be the case that you have grown out of, or apart from your friends which us sad, but does happen. You may find that its taking your girlfriends too long to "come around" or they may never be able to forget the past. If this happens I encourage you, as other posters have, to find new friends. With any new friends, try and learn from your past mistakes like I did. It can be difficult, but I can say personally that being able to say I have a best girlfriend again, the first time since high school honestly, is worth the lessons and the wait. Good luck OP!