Angry and negative husband, don’t think he will ever change...

[SurreyH]

I’m really struggling at the moment trying to stay positive, my husband is always negative, moaning about anything and everything.
We have had problems in the past, a huge fall out earlier this year when he refused to change or help me at all around the house. I work 33 hrs a week as a Nurse, he works more hours than me but never starts early and can be at home in the day.
He is just so angry all the time and I’m getting to the point where I can’t take much more. He does not lay a finger on me by the way.
Tonight, I was watching This is England with my daughter. He comes in after it had started so I updated him. The character Lol is suffering with Post Natal Depression, she is a single parent to a teething toddler and is struggling, being quite rude to the Nurse. She ask the Nurse if she has kids/husband and then tells her that she hasn’t; she is doing this all on her own. My husband then says to the tv, “well you shouldn’t have been such a slag then!” My daughter and I exchange glances (husband is not her biological Father but has been Daddy to her since she was a toddler). She then speaks up and says what I’m thinking, “you shouldn’t say that as Mum was on her own when I was born”,.... that didn’t go down well, he storms out shouting that he can’t say anything and then shouts “f*!? Off!!!” to me down the hallway. This happens a lot, and I’m now starting to think if I would still be here in this house if I had money in the bank. How very sad. We’ve only been married three years, I’m just not sure I could do another thirty like this.
He will not talk or do counselling, he said they always take the woman’s side.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you.

Do you own your home? What are your finances like?

I think someone shouting fuck off at you in your own home is appalling and could only ever be explained when somebody is under some kind of enormous stress (terminal illness, bereavement, job loss etc), or are suffering from a mental illness of some sort. Otherwise it's pretty abusive type of behaviour.

Do you and DD tiptoe around so that he doesn't lose his temper? Has he always been like this or is it recent?

He’s been like it a lot, not all of the time but I have said to him in the past it’s like walking on eggshells with him. He has suffered with depression ten yrs ago when we separated for a short time, I think he is still depressed as it comes and goes.
We don’t own our home or any property, the house comes with his job. I have some money aside, not a huge amount, which I’m trying to keep to help my daughter get to Uni next year.

When he loses his temper he loses it big time.

Well if you find his behaviour awful to live with, and he won't address it, then you need to think about living apart.

Did he get help with his depression before?

He was on antidepressants for about a year them took himself off them, he won’t discuss it again with his GP.
If only I could get him to try marriage guidance, I’m willing to.

He sounds deeply sexist and childish.

Not to mention horrible!

I can see how he has ground you down over the years. But I'd be giving him his final warning. One more outburst and he's out on his ear.

Well - there are depressed people who aren't offensive, sexist, rude and disrespectful to their partners. & losing his temper big time around you is aggressive.

He doesn't control his behaviour towards you as he doesn't feel he needs to. I bet he can control it around mates and colleagues though. Because he wants to.

This is who he is. In front of your DD, as well as you.

Life's too short to be worn down like this. I've lived with an angry man previously. I left him eventually and was really upset. But after a few months although the hurt was still there, I allowed myself to admit life was so much better without him.

I had perfect peace in my home. Nobody pushing key in the door and walking in with a sour face and moany, angry demeanour. No arguments. No oppressive feeling, heart sinking when I realised he was in "that" mood. I was free.

3 years after we split I met my lovely OH.

Thank God I split with the Dementor. Get your life back and do the same. You won't die for lack of him and his appalling behaviour. Nothing worse than a brawling man in your personal space.

Imagine looking back in regret in your elder years at all the time wasted having him wear you down and make your home and relationship unhappy, when you could have got away years ago.

You can't go through life walking on eggshells all the time. I'd leave if i were you. Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

Hi OP, you are right in forward thinking there. Can you do another 30 years living like this?
If he won’t change, get/accept help then yes, this will be your life. I’m responding to your post because your partner sounds like my ex partner who, with the support and advice of the lovely people on Mumsnet, I got rid of earlier this year. He drained me and my daughter. The ‘fuck offs’ turned into regularly getting in my face and calling me a prick. He was angry all the time, moaning and negative all the time. It was relentless. I shudder now when I look back on it!

I've just posted on your other thread.
You know what to do.
It's what we all told you last time.
The advice will not change.
He's still being a total cunt and you are still being a doormat.
Time to show your daughter what a strong woman is like and leave!
Show her we do NOT put up with lazy entitled assholes!
Your life, self-esteem and self-worth will be so much better once this dick head is out of your life.
So get going!!!

Thanks for all of your advice. I’m planning on going to the Citizens Advice Bureau very soon, just to find out where I stand.
I’m know that I should leave him, I know I will be happier. I’ve done it before in 2008 and we lived apart for 6 yrs... in that time I went to college, uni and apart from being skint I was so much happier.
Now, I’m a different person. Yes I put up with a lot of his bullshit and get shot down for having an opinion, but I am much stronger.
I will be attempting to speak to him soon, it’s counselling or I’m out.

Hi OP - I do hope you find the strength to leave. My ex had serious anger management issues - I asked and asked him to go to counselling, he wouldn't. The only time he said he'd go was when I told him I was leaving and by then it was too little, too late.

I realised that the reason he wouldn't go was ultimately because he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. It didn't matter that it upset me, or his family, or our pets even - he could always completely justify his outbursts of rage to himself.

That was six years ago. I don't regret leaving him for a minute although it did cause me a lot of debt

There are lots of budgeting/ money saving sites which can help you. Is it an option to speak to the council about being rehoused, if leaving him will make you homeless?

Women's Aid will also have more advice. Good luck

Hi, Speak to him TODAY not soon. His negativity/losing his temper is having an impact on daily family life.

Have you thought how your daughter may feel when she goes off to University and you are with this pathetic waste of space at home.

She will probably worry about how you are dealing with things at home

Do you really think councilling will work? Bearing in mind with councilling your mindset has to change.

He sounds a bully. What would be his reaction if you barked at him .... Fuck Off for no apparent reason.

How can you want to stay with this pig of a man !!!!