Helping DSis through awful break up

[AgentCooper]

My DSis has just been left by her partner of 7 years and I'm very worried about her. I know 7 years may not seem that much, but DSis is only 30 and she was sure they were in it for the long run. They lived together, and it was also DSis's first gay relationship so in a sense it was the relationship that let her find herself.

My only LTR is with DH, who I'm still with. I've never been through a break up like this and I so desperately want to help her. I keep saying it will get better, but I can't say how long that will take, or how best to move on. I don't want to say or do anything that's patronising or unhelpful, because she's my DSis and I love her so much.

She's asking me what she should do with the hundreds of pictures of them both on her phone. They had a holiday booked for the end of the month - only DSis had put money towards it, should she cancel it or see if a friend will come? They shared a one bed flat - DSis is staying with our parents as she doesn't feel ready to go back, though her GF has moved out. Is it healthier for her to go back and get used to being alone there, or is some time away wiser? She is just very, very fragile right now. Her GF still hasn't explained why she ended the relationship.

If anyone has any advice on how to support her well, and how to deal with all the wee logistics that are causing her so much pain, I'd be very grateful.

Bump?

I wouldn't delete the pictures (assuming it ended amicably?) Just because they have split up doesnt mean she has to erase 7 years of her life and the happy memories that go with them. WRT the holiday, does she have a very close friend she couls go with and have fun? That sounds good but finding an acquaintance to go just so you dont waste money will probably juat leave her feeling down that it wasn't the holiday it was meant to be if that makes sense. I think she has to go back at some point and the longer she drags it out the harder it will be. I think all you can do to support her is ve there for her, she will have a lot of emotions atm and they are all valid just make sure she knows she can ring you no matter what shes feeling.

I think stuff will feel very raw for a while but just remind her once shes done something once each time after is easier (first night at home, removing her name from things etc.) Most of all remind her that she will be ok. She will get through it. It might take a couple of weeks or a couple of months but eventually she will start to accept and move on. It's almost like grief i think and there are stages to go through.

Thanks for replying Pickley

Unfortunately I don't think I could say it was amicable. Her GF had been withdrawing from her for a couple of months and was being quite cold and cruel, so even before the split DSis was struggling as she missed the person her GF had been and was frantically trying to fix things.

I agree with you that taking the holiday with a good friend (and thankfully she has lots) is much wiser than just going with anybody for the sake of it. I wish I could go, but can't as I have a baby. DSis is asleep upstairs in my bed just now. She is in such a bad way and I just wish I could make it stop. She says her whole life, her whole future is gone.

When they did split up? If it was in the last few days keep doing what you are doing atm if its been a couple of weeks then she needs to start trying to get her life back on track I think. Her future isnt over its just different, she can still do everything she was and everything she wants to do but now she does it for her self and her self only. That should be empowering. Remind her she is strong and beautiful without clinging to dead weight.

I wouldn’t suggest she deletes the pics. She’d regret that later. But she probably should shift them off her phone and onto some sort of storage so she’s not looking at them all the time right now.

Does she own the flat? Any issues with getting out of a lease etc?

Relationships ending (and 7 years isn’t a bad run these days) are a lot like bereavements and you’ve got to go through the whole grieving cycle before you’re back on your feet. Sounds like you’re supporting her emotionally and that plus making sure she doesn’t miss payments on the lease or mortgage etc - the practical stuff - will get her through this quicker.

I had a cleanse and deleted pics of my ex probably a good 6 months after we split.
She won't be ready to do that yet.
Having love and support around is the most important thing, so if she's OK at your parents then I'd suggest being there for the short term is probably best.

After your 2nd post, I would say that her Ex has OW.
But for now all you can do is try to keep her busy.
She needs to be out and about if she feels up to it.
Exercise is good for helping to lift moods.
Or just a good chat and cry with a bottle wine works well too.

She needs to get through this.
You can be there but this her emotions and only she can deal with them.
With help from all you of course.
You all sound lovely though.
Give her time.
She'll get there.
She's grieving, there is no time frame for that.
It will probably be a good few months or more before she's feeling any better.

I also suspect that GF had OW. Doesn't help your DSis, but anger is often a more sustaining emotion than sadness, so sometimes knowing that there was someone else on the scene can help.

Ultimately, it's just time. Be kind to her, only she can really work through it.

Thanks everyone I've been so worried about her today. She's been round at my house today and yesterday as she's off work for summer (teacher, and we're in Scotland) and I'm on mat leave.

She just wants to sleep all the time. She told me earlier that she can't cope with this pain and wishes she was dead. It's only been a few days since they broke up and she hasn't spoken to GF since. I'm not sure at what point normal grief for a relationship becomes something more and she should see a doctor.