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Relationships

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Original poster

DH stayed over at female colleagues house

22 replies

onethe3dge · 09/07/2018 22:29

DH was at a work event in a city about 90 minutes away from us a couple of weeks ago and told me he was staying at one of his colleagues houses as he lived in the city where it was and had offered a spare room.

I’m certain that when he told me he said the persons name was Chris and he referred to him as male, said ‘his house’ etc but now it turns out Chris is Christine

He is insisting that it was innocent and that he stayed in her spare room and that he only lied because it ‘wasn’t worth the hassle’ of worrying me. I’m not normally particularly jealous but wouldn’t have been happy about this if I had known.

AIBU to be suspicious? DH says i'm making a big deal over nothing

OP posts:

Emma198 · 09/07/2018 22:31

Have you got any other reason to be suspicious? What do you know about her?

Zeze247 · 09/07/2018 22:31

You are both being unreasonable has he cheated before?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 09/07/2018 22:32

I wouldn't be suspicious if my DH told me he was staying over at a colleague's house and she happened to be female.

I'd be bloody suspicious if he lied about it though.

Summersun111 · 09/07/2018 22:32

I don't see why you have been branded unreasonable? I would be furious, the lies would make me really suspicious!

NapQueen · 09/07/2018 22:32

Id make a mammoth deal about the lying.

My own dh works with mainly women so if he was needing to bunk down in someones spare room then id probably assume woman anyways.

How did you find out Chris was Christine?

EmmaC78 · 09/07/2018 22:34

I wouldn't be bothered by the staying over if he had told the truth. The lying is not acceptable.

Fabricwitch · 09/07/2018 22:38

The lying makes this seem super suspicious to me, and I'm not normally the paranoid type!

WonderfulWorldBeautifulPeople · 09/07/2018 22:41

Agree with @EmmaC78

I have male friends and one particular male friend that I used to stay with a fair bit. My ex was fine with this, however I never lied about it (and our friendship was entirely platonic - still is!).

I would never have dreams of telling him Robert was called Roberta and referring to him as 'she' or 'her'. I think this could possibly imply that you have other issues in your relationship (for example, do you overreact to certain things? Have you been arguing a lot recently? Have you had a big issue with a female friend in the past?)

What made him choose to tell you the truth now?

I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset about the lie, at all. I do think you need to determine why he lied and why he doesn't feel like he can be honest with you.

WonderfulWorldBeautifulPeople · 09/07/2018 22:42

*dreamt

Original poster

onethe3dge · 09/07/2018 23:34

He caught himself out talking about colleagues and said there wasn't one called Chris.

I haven't been suspicious no but he works long hours and is always on his phone so would probably be quite easy for him to hide stuff

OP posts:

BusterGonad · 10/07/2018 04:54

Like you said in the opening op you wouldn't have been happy about it if you had known, why not? Are you the annoying jealous type that gives ear ache over nothing? Either he lied because you are insecure about other women or he lied because something is going on. Be honest with yourself and work out which one it is.
TBH I'd lie to if I was with someone insecure and jealous, it's really not my thing to pander to someone's insecurities. I could put up with it.

BusterGonad · 10/07/2018 04:55

I couldn't put up with it!

Monty27 · 10/07/2018 04:58

Lying cheat?

allthefuckery · 10/07/2018 05:28

Eh are you kidding. He lied and then blamed you for it?! Fuck no I wouldn't be having this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2018 05:45

^^ what allthefuckery said. Classic deflection. He needs to own up to his immaturity.

Karting1967 · 10/07/2018 05:49

he works long hours and is always on his phone

I’d be wanting to find out what he’s doing on that phone...

Feelingthepain · 10/07/2018 06:53

Nope just nope!
Slimey snake

Changedname3456 · 10/07/2018 07:40

The “it’s less hassle to bend the truth” approach sounds pretty typical.

I know there’s at least one exGF I’d probably have felt obliged to take the less truthful route with, just because the grief over something she really should have been able to trust me on would have been immense.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/07/2018 10:05

The “it’s less hassle to bend the truth” approach sounds pretty typical.

^^ this.
It's the bizarre logic some men have of avoiding the hassle in the first instance but not thinking ahead to what might happen were they to be caught out.
It would have been far easier to be honest from the off. He's the one who's made it into a big deal by lying.
He is a fool but I don't think he's a cheat.

Original poster

onethe3dge · 10/07/2018 23:01

I don't think I'm normally that jealous or controlling that he has to lie to me and didn't think it would be that unusual to not like him staying at a female colleagues house. I've never met her, he was the only one staying there and they were drinking at the event

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 10/07/2018 23:04

No, it's got nothing to do with you being jealous or controlling, it's just that the lie was the easier option. That's it. Of course you wouldn't have liked it, but it was easiest for him to stay there so he's lied because it's less hassle. Easier to seek forgiveness than permission as they say. Its pathetic. It's a crap way to treat you but I honestly don't think he's cheated. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 11/07/2018 01:00

If you're certain he said it as 'Chris' and male then he said it. Also, he lied because at best it was convenient for him. I'll get flamed but I don't care. Trust issues are awful. They play havoc with mental health.

Lying about who he stays with wouldn't be ok in my marriage. And yes, we both travel often for work/caring for elderly relative. When they work away, you really need that trust and for it to respected. And openness is really positive.

I am not saying my DH wouldn't be able to cheat but I know where my husband sleeps when he isn't at home. Same for him. And yes, we do FaceTime so we do see.

What do you want to do now OP?

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