Divorce and fees

[Sarah2302]

Hi I’m just looking for advice on getting help with paying divorce fees. I’m wanting to divorce my husband on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour as he has a really bad temper which I just can’t live with anymore. I only work part time and pay all the bills so can’t afford the fees and husband won’t. I did see that you can get help but just wondered if I would qualify as I’m married? Would I apply for the divorce before applying for help with fees?

Yes go back to the gp, get the verbal abuse logged.There is absolutely no shame in it at all. He doesn’t need to know.He wants you edgy and anxious as that way you often can’t think clearly.
He sounds quite unstable at the moment.
I would strongly advise calling Women’s Aid. They are fantastic. Don’t tell him.
I am afraid you will go for an “ amicable” and disadvantage yourself and dd just because you are afraid of him.
Please get some real life help as well as posting here.

No shame in taking anti depressants so let him use that as a threat.

You are unlikely to get a divorce (that is Absolute) until finances are resolved as a divorce means all financial claims resolved.
Both of you will be encouraged to see a solicitor to validate finance settlement so there will be some fees but some solicitors will defer billing until finances resolved.

Your H may still yet come to terms with the divorce, you are ahead of him emotionally so he may get there.Keep moving forwards but don't expect him to be at the same point as you.
Both of you will have up & down emotions but not at the same time so try to remain focussed on the end goal.
There are useful books "How to be a Lady who leaves" is written by a family solicitor and has good reviews although I have not read it.
He sounds financially abusive if you have no access to "his" money.
Could you stop your wages going into the joint account?

He doesn’t touch my money but every penny I earn pays the bills until it’s empty. He pays the mortgage but that’s because I’ve already paid for half the house outright when we bought it. The mortgage is very small tho.

I have read your thread. I just wanted to say well done for insyigating a split. Your husband sounds like my dad. My mum stayed, and lived the most awful and unhappy life with him.until she died. Many women stay, even these days. You should be proud of yourself.

Are you aiming to take over the mortgage on the house? You need to check with your mortgage company that they consider that you can afford it on your own. I

Things that seem straightforward sometimes aren't. You say his 'half' if the house is a mortgage. He hasn't paid for his half yet, but you have. Are you tenants in common or joint tenants on the deeds of the house? It is this type of thing that you will need help from.a solicitor for, finances are too complicated to work out without legal help.

I think you do need legal advice especially as he is saying he won’t move out of the house.

Yes I agree with what you say that he is not in the same emotional place as me, now he is upset again that he will no longer have a family, it’s killing me, even after everything I’m still a nice person and I hate to see him crying, all his family live abroad so he doesn’t have anybody here. I also feel so guilty for what will happen to my little girl and whether she will be affected, she is so wonderful. If I stay I will always live an unhappy fearful like and I fear it will one day break me emotionally.

If he wont move out of the house its very hard to prove to Tax Credits that you are separated in order for you to receive Tax credits and doubtful he will pay child maintenance whilst under the same roof. try and log all verbal abusive episodes and if you can record them on your phone!

Get some proper legal advise its very unlikely you will have to leave the house with a young child. Is the mortgage in his name?

If your daughter is 2 then she is likely to cope better with the separation.

Does he get angry with her?
For your well being its worth leaving as unlikely to get better.Does he even accept he has an issue?
I would usually say to not make major life changes within a year of a signifcant loss but it seems he has always been emotionally and financially abusive.

Physical and psychological stress has been implicated in the development of autoimmune disease, since numerous animal and human studies demonstrated the effect of sundry stressors on immune function. Moreover, many retrospective studies found that a high proportion (up to 80%) of patients reported uncommon emotional stress before disease onset

This is a reason to leave an abusive marriage as it can make you unwell.

Yes this is why I want to leave as I can feel it making me weak emotionally and physically. I have read about my making rash decisions after a loss but in a way loosing my dad has made me realise that I deserve to had a better life. From the moment he got diagnosed with cancer to the day he died In my arms I have been alone. It haunts me and I will never forget that he just didn’t care, all he

Oops. Didn’t finish. I’m so ashamed with myself that my dad died knowing I was left with a man that shouted and completely disrespects me. My dad had to come and help me with everything as he believed that as he worked he didn’t have to do anything, no house work, gardening , maintenance, sorting bills, helping with daughter.

Try not to feel sorry for your OH. He didn’t feel sorry for you when he’s been shouting at you and being deliberately intimidating/ placing you under financial stress / making you walk on eggshells.
He brought it on himself. He chose to behave like that towards you alone. Was he Mr Niceguy to others ? Did he really expect you to put up with all that I definately ?

He grew up in a very physically abusive family, much worse then how he is so I know he knows that it isn’t right and he said this morning that he knows how I feel as he saw it with his mum. It is not just towards me he is angry with the world, can’t be employed as he gets into arguments and then fired so has to be self employed. Someone only has to look at him when we are out and he starts. He has deep problems about his dad which he really needs to/should have sorted out by now. It’s not my burden to bear anymore and definitely not out little girl. He is not angry towards her tho.

Its often difficult to leave a partner who had an abusive childhood (and is now abusive) because we have empathy for them however no amount of empathy can fix them.

Perhaps he needs rock bottom to realise he needs to heal.
My ex was wonderful to dc, whilst we were together as I was the whipping boy but as they got older his tolerance reduced.
Since separation he has started to vent at them.
Whilst it's horrible for them they have respite by being home with me and they know his behaviour is not normal.

I think you need to get out and this never gets better.

Jesus, it sounds like you're married to my ex, even down to the abusive family. You're doing the right thing. He'll never change, and you don't want your daughter thinking that this is a normal relationship.

Yesterday I posted off the divorce papers and instead of feeling good I feel really rubbish😢