Unwelcome advice from aunt......just need to rant!!

[MorocconOil]

I have just returned from 2 days visiting my Mum with my 3 DC, DS1 (7), DS2(5) and DD (2). My aunt was also staying there. My DH has been away for a week which is partly why we went to stay(to get some help with the DC).

IMO the DC were pretty well behaved. We went on a day trip yesterday and DS2 was disobediant on the train back. He kept going to the toilet which we were sat next to and wouldn't sit still when I told him to. My Aunt found this unacceptable and told him to 'SIT' and held onto him to sit next to her. She then had a bit of a rant about my children not understanding no, and how her daughter's SIL has 6 children who are very well behaved etc. I let it go although inside I was fuming.

This morning the DC were very well-behaved and I praised them for this. My Aunt said that 'they hadn't been bad' but I shouldn't draw attention to them at all. She then went onto tell me that I try too hard,I am too nice to them, treat them like mini adults giving them too many choices, should be more firm with them like my DH(who she has met 3 times) and that even DD(2)runs circles round me. I was perplexed as couldn't remember asking her for any feedback on my parenting abilities. I felt really criticized and undermined especially as I had gone to my Mum's for a bit of support.

As we were leaving she said 'Mimizan, you the children, and Dh must come and stay with me for a nice rest!!!!' I drove off fast before she could hear my reply.

oh god i get this all the time from well meaning relatives and strangers - i give my kids too many choices and treat them like mini adults..
probably true though! children did used to have better manners and behave better in public, my mum goes on about this all the time. i guess ive got to be tougher, dont know if you would agree though!

Oh other people always think they are the experts. Its easy to discipline children that arent yours, and have ideas about how other people should do things. Its very different actually living someone else's life, than it is to pass comment on it.

Maybe you and your children werent at your best, but, she's only seen a snapshot of your family life - how can she possibly know enough about you all to pass judgement? She cant, so just smile sweetly, assume that she 'means well', and ignore it.

Also - I wouldnt expect my children to sit still for an entire train journey and there arent many children that would.

Seems she has forgotten what it is like to be around small children.

Oh, ignore the daft old bat. Family members assume they have the right to interfere. But you don't have to listen or worry about it afterwards. If you are happy with your children, don't let her affect that.

Yes you are probably right about other people thinking they know best, and she probably thought she was being really helpful. The sad thing is she's completely put me off ever wanting to visit her because it is no fun being judged all the time.

what a nightmare
Don't ever go and stay with her again, i would also avoid meeting her on your own, make sure dh is there.

Did your mum say anythig to the old witch?

Gardner, I was staying at my Mum's and darling aunt(DA) had come to stay as well. My Mum is always complaining about how opinionated DA is but she kept schtum when DA was going on about my DC. I suppose it was probably better she didn't get involved though cos it could have gone pear-shaped.

However I can imagine them both mulling it over together now, and concluding that modern parents are so over-indulgent with their DC. Oh well at least they've got something to gossip about!!!

It's just a bit sad that I won't ever be taking DC to visit their great-Aunt.

Does your aunt have children of her own though?

My brother's wife is the most opinionated woman I have ever met in my life.

Cooking.. she knows best

Ironing.. she knows best

Food shopping.. she knows best

Raising kids... she could write a book!

Regardless of the fact she has none of her own. She is almost 40 & has said that she has watched so many parents make mistakes over the years she now knows how to raise them the correct way

Don't you just wish a gang of screaming quads who have never read the book on how to behave on some of these people?!

Parenting is the easiest job in the world to do third hand

Lots of our mums generations are like this. My mum says exactly the same things to me about my brother' kids (too soft, mini adults, too many choices etc). And probably says the same to him about me. But not to our faces
Your aunt was particularly rude because she thinks being from a generation above gives her the right to tell you where you are going 'wrong'.
It's a shame, because if she is genuinely a nice lady otherwise it's not worth losing contact over. Could you talk to her about how annoyed this has made you?

Maisemor, she's got 2 grown-up daughters. She doesn't stop criticizing the older one, whilst the younger one she idolises. The younger one is a nursery nurse and according to my aunt, a child care guru. I wish she'd hurry up and provide my aunt with some of her own grandchildren to use all her skills and wisdom on.

Yes hippmummy, I think the generation difference is an issue. I have been protected abit as my Mum and MIL are very careful not to be critical about the way we parent. However my aunt hasn't got as much to lose by voicing her opinions.

It just shocked me that she felt it her right to comment on what she thought I was doing wrong. It goes against everything I believe about encouraging and praising people for the things they do well and not dwelling on the negatives.

mimizan i wouldn't worry about not being able to take dc to visit the aunt from hell, just think of the relief it will be not to have to see her again, or at least till she has got the message.

The last thing any parent needs it is to be critised like this esp when you are handling this without your dh's support, doesn't she realise that complementing you on how well you are bringing them up is the key, she obviously is so out of touch with kids & has v little patience.

Ignore it. Chances are (very high) that she has completely forgotten what it's like to have young children around and older people always seem to look at the past with rose tinted glasses anyway. My mum can get a bit like this, she thinks all teenagers (apart from my ds) are feral today, which is rot. If they were all angels in the victorian times then Dickens wouldn't have had any source material, would he?

You are right Gardener, she is out of touch with small children and their ways. I only see her once a year so it will all be forgotten when we next meet.

Usually we see her for larger family gatherings so it is less intense. She was quite an important figure in my childhood, but I don't think I ever found her that consistent or safe so maybe it's all re-surfacing now I am a parent. I think I will definitely keep her at a distance from me and my family.