Fed up with wanting what we will never have.

[nikimummy13]

My husband and I ended up miles away from mums and dads after uni due to jobs. Each set of parents is an hour and a half to two hours away. We see a fair amount of my folks as they often make the effort to come and see us. Not so much on the in law side. We see them at Xmas and maybe once in the year. My sister is autistic so I have had a troubled relationship with her and she is very hard work to be around. SIL makes no effort to see us. We both had friends from uni but everyone ended up all over and we fell out of touch because we were the first of the group to have kids. School friends also got scattered and since we live in a town where neither of us grew up we don't really have friends here either. Husband works an hour away from home. I have mums that I know but nobody who I would call a close friend who I can share stuff with. No aunts or uncles or cousins in our lives. I just get fed up of seeing pics of other people at massive family BBQs, going on holiday with their sibling and cousins together, refer a friend promotions, FB posts of your sister is your best friend stuff or tag your best mate etc. None of these things have ever applied or will apply to us. Are we such an unusual family to be so alone? Are there others out there who have nobody else to rely on? I'm fed up of wanting family connections when I know I can't have that kind of family.

If your family aren't close then build closer relationships with friends and acquaintances?

Have you tried signing up to things like sports groups? I moved abroad so i literally have no-one here and i joined a netball team and made mates that way

Yes. I'm like you. I'm an only child and so is my DH. Now all our parents are dead but they lived 3 hours away in opposite directions!

We have DC and can't write a Will as we have no one to appoint as guardians. It's bloody scary.

The friends I grew up with have drifted away because of the geographical distance and it's never the same if you are new to an area. DH and I were loved up and working full time and never really developed close friendships here. I regret that now.

If you can I would encourage you to work on any friendships you have. Friends can become like family.

I know how you feel, but families are usually not what they seem and Facebook is just the extreme bits of life - people only post the really happy or really sad things, nobody ever posts that they had a really average day doing not very much.

I have two siblings, we get along ok but aren’t especially close. My mum is an anorexic alcoholic who has osteoporosis so is neither able nor inclined to help with my kids. My dad’s life is entirely taken up with looking after my step sisters’ and step brother’s children because his wife can’t ever say no to them and has them for weeks on end whilst my step siblings go off on childfree holidays as couples. He has never babysat for my kids. I spent ages looking for a Father’s Day card that said ‘you’re pretty shit’ inside...🙈😂 but settled on one that was blank.

My closest relatives are 30 miles away and the vast majority of my uni friends live far away. But I see them maybe once a year and the time and distance doesn’t seem to matter. I know if something awful happened and I needed them, they would support me.

I have acquaintances at work and via school. DH is my best friend.

Would I like more family in my life? Yes, but only if they want to be. And they don’t. So I’m at peace with that and trying to make friends (which are not the ‘best mates’ of my youth but still are nice to have for a natter and a brew) when I can and being thankful for my lot. I’d rather have no/little contact with ‘meh’ family than nightmare family I can’t get away from. I was telling a friend at the weekend that if either of my parents died, I would be sad of course, but there wouldn’t be a parent shaped hole in my life, either mentally or physically.

You're not unusual.

I am in a similar position re family. Most of my local support comes from friends I made at antenatal group and toddler group - one of our number had the brilliant idea to have a monthly evening meet-up without children, we all take turns to organise and it has been an utter godsend, it has kept us all in touch and supporting each other. For 20 years so far.

Quite early on in our marriage we consciously moved to a town that was between our different sets of parents - one set are 45 mins away, the other around 2 hours. So the closer ones supported us with child minding once a week, the further-away ones (mine) get more weekend visits. And sometimes I meet up with my mother for lunch in a town that's halfway between us, so an hour each. We do it more now that the kids aren't little - now it's usually just her and me and I take the day off work, take the bus in early and really enjoy myself.

Also, an old uni friend and I live about 2 hours apart and (again now the kids are older) we got back in touch properly and meet up 2 or 3 times a year for lunch/shopping/a gig - we take turn about to meet in the city nearest to her or the city nearest to me.

I have always made a big family fuss of DCs' birthdays, inviting the whole family for a BBQ, or eating out. The family do generally make an effort to come. We also do "turn-about" for Christmas.

So I would say keep your contacts going, you will enjoy them again later when you have more time. And presumably you are making a "new" family with your partner and kids.

I've just done a 'happy close family bbq'. Pictures of us laughing and smiling all over Facebook. Bloody hated it. Spent most the time with other like-minded family members complaining about how it's an obligation rather than a choice. Feel like it's a 'this is what families do' tick box exercise for appearance's sake. They are lovely people but i won't choose to be friends with them. I moved far far away from family so I don't have to do this regularly. Never judge by outward appearances and social media!

OP - an 1.5 and even 2hrs isn’t an impossible distance.
People commute that distance to work, many on daily basis.

When I hear people comlaining that ‘so and so’ don’t visit, etc - I wonder - what stops YOU to visit?
Not why does SIL not make effort - why don’t you go there?
If you want a closer relationship - go and build it. Make an effort.
It might pay off.

Our family are scattered all over the world. Flights times of 2 , 3, 12 and 20 hours for parents and our siblings and cousins. However, we see them regularly, prioritise holidays and trips with them. We invite them to ours and arrange to go to theirs, obviously it's not daily or even monthly. Try and build networks with the people you see and like as well. 90 minutes seems a short distance, two hours works for a Friday night at theirs. I guess it's all relative though!