I’ve been brought to my knees today.

[GodivaEater]

I’ve just parked my car after going for a drive and I’m sitting here unable to get out the car or move. I feel surreal and like I’m having an out of body experience. While driving I felt like I can’t take life anymore and it would be a blessing if I crashed.

What caused me to feel so distressed was a simple suggestion of meeting for lunch by my cousin. She is the only member of my family that I still speak to. I cut contact with my mum and sister because my mum was complicit in child cruelty/ child abuse and my sister decides to make public proclamations of adoration (social media) about her dad who was violent and verbally abusive to me for years.

Anyway, my cousin has been asking me to lunch. I’ve been putting it off. Considering the magnitude of everything that’s happened With all this, she has never asked if I’m alright, how I am, has anything happened, nowt. And once when I was ranting about my mum and saying how can I see her again, my cousin said ‘because she’s your mum?’

She never mentions what’s happened, her conversations are all superficial stuff about tv shows etc. I feel like there is a huge elephant in the room and I don’t know what she thinks about it all.

So today I texted her to say I don’t feel I can meet up today, and was honest, saying I am having a bad day mentally and don’t feel I can even make conversation, and that I was sorry. I wrote it while I was crying this morning so it was an overly emotional message.

Her response: ‘sorry to her that. Let me know when you want to meet up’ with a smiley emoji.

And I thought to myself later- why again do you not ask what’s wrong?

And the guilt of not seeing her, or my grandparents who equally NEVER ring me/ never ask after me etc weighs on me like a ton of bricks. And I know that at some point I’m going to have to deal with a death in the family or a wedding and I will not have a clue how to navigate it.

And now I’m sat here in my car unable to move, wanting to scream and cry and collapse or die, with 40 years of family misery memories swirling in my head, and I feel so frustrated I could explode.

Ps I have a child so I’m not actually going to hurt myself. But my brain has definitely broken today.

Please see your doctor. You need professional trained people help you get through this.

Flowers:

Ok. Deep breath. If you didn't feel up to it today that's fine. No really it is.
You took the decision that was right for you. That is being sensible.

Afraid I can't offer any useful advice other than to say give yourself a break. It's OK not to have all the answers. Hugs

Family issues are so, so tough. It’s often the best thing to cut people out who are detrimental to your happiness (and far more common to go through than most people realise), but it doesn’t stop it hurting. People can go years always wishing and hoping for a show of kindness or support from relatives just because they’re ‘family’ that never comes.

Have you had counselling about this? I had some when I was struggling to come to terms with an extremely painful family estrangement and for some reason it really helped. It still hurts and I still grieve but I can see it was for the best and carry on with my life safe in the knowledge I’m doing what’s best for me.

You could ring samaritans right now on 116123 while you’re parked up for a chat just to speak to someone who cares. You don’t have to be actively or even slightly suicidal.

I dread a funeral too: but remember, it’s in your control. Nobody can make you attend something that’s gonna be bad for you, and the dead won’t know. You can pay respects in your own meaningful way to whoever it is when the time comes.

As for your cousin, you never know what’s she’s going through. Some people are just incapable of engaging on an emotional level or are cautious to get engaged with anyone who’s emotional or upset about something due to past bad experiences. You can’t get what you want from her, but I highly recommend ringing Sams so you can let someone support you who truly wants to.

I'm so sorry. I'm having a tough day too and I know just what you mean. I'm going to the GP tomorrow.

Hi OP,

What stands out for me is your cousin's - because she's your mum. That is a loaded response that defines nothing. To me it's like going fishing with a grenade. How to deal with the fall-out?

I think your cousin is possibly ill-equipped to deal with your dam of emotion. I agree, you need to see your Gp. Ask for help. Your too overwhelmed. Give yourself some space and see how you feel at a later date. But don't beat yourself up. Don't justify anything to your cousin. That's not meant to be unkind. You sound like you're wrung out.

@lyndseykola I had a year of therapy that ended at Christmas. The therapist told me to write to my mum and tell her how much her actions have affected me. It was like putting a bomb in the post. I felt like I finally respected myself by being honest about my feelings and got a huge amount of clarity, but the resulting fallout was beyond stressful. I left the therapist when she later started contradicting herself and saying I should allow my mum access to my kids, which I posted about here.

I feel like I’ll never get over it all or come to terms with it, that I’m stuck as a troubled person forever.

@yoksha would you mind clarifying your first paragraph?

I remember your previous posts op regarding the therapist.
I am nc with both dps (divorced), my dm wrote to me apologising for her failings - like a pity party letter she hoped for forgiveness I think.. Binned it and moved on, sort of reinventing myself as my dc's dm and not the person dm knew anymore.
Slowly I have made time for myself and accepted I am not the person dm accused me of being after all.
My dc's love me so must be doing something right!
You are the most important person to your dc and that does count for a lot if you embrace it!

Keeping in touch with someone who knows what happened but doesn't acknowledge the effect it's had on you sounds like it's very painful in its own right. My husband doesn't speak to any of his family at all and hasn't for years - it's not easy for him but it seems to work better for him than the alternative as it means he's not having to navigate his feelings about it every time he speaks to someone.

(Also that therapist sounds unhinged - why on earth would you send your kids to your estranged mother who failed to protect you from abuse?)

borlottibeans explains what I was trying to say.

Maybe your cousin just wants to stay in contact with you and does not want to feel dragged into all the family history. Maybe she doesn't want to have to take sides or get involved but just wants to meet you. Have you contacted your grandparents or tried to visit them. Maybe they are worried that you don't want contact with them either.

@mysweetaudrina I’ve listened to my cousin’s upset over her mother running her down and preferring her sister. I’ve been there for her endlessly when she’s had breakups. We have always had a ‘there for you’ relationship. But yes she doesn’t want to talk to me about my issues, which puts me in a v awkward position.

My grandparents have not rung me in years. They live three mins round the corner. This waaaay predates me splitting off from my mum. I haven’t been round for a while because they always make me feel unwelcome and we literally sit there in silence unless I keep asking them stuff. They’re not interested.

I was abused by two family members as a child. I have only recently started therapy (I'm 48). Last week my therapist posed an interesting question, was I still in touch with my brother and I said sort of but it's me who chases contact. She simply asked "Why?" My reply was because it's family. And that opened up a whole conversation about family who are toxic and not good for us. Being family is just a biological event. It doesn't give those people to exert any power or rights over us, which is what happened to me.
Surround yourself with those who love and treasure you, who nurture and have nothing but love for you. And do that without guilt, without shame and most importantly without explanation. You are the most important person in your life ♥️

@beckiboodle I’m so sorry that you’ve been through so much.

Thank you for your very sweet message. X

beckiboodle is right, OP.

You are not obliged to have ANYONE in your life who doesn't enrich it in some way, or bring you joy and happiness. People who insist that you 'have' to "because they're faaaaaamleeee" are WRONG and in all likelihood saying so because they have their own issues/guilt and are trying to offload some of it onto you.

I have no contact with my eldest brother as he sexually abused me when I was 10. I had no contact with my mother for over 3 years because she refused to cut him out, kept bleating about how sorry he was and he was trying to be better etc (in addition to the many abusive things she did herself). I have extremely limited contact with her now because in those 3 years I worked hard to come to terms with what she is (and always will be) and have accepted it. I laid out the terms of our contact- lighthearted chit-chat only, no mention of my brother, no discussion of other family issues that had previously been a flashpoint and so on, and said that if these terms were broken I would get up immediately and leave and she wouldn't see me again. So far, she has stuck to the terms, and so I'm ok with the relationship.

I would suggest that you let go of any guilt you feel regarding the humans you are unfortunately related to, and furthermore, let go of the friendship with your cousin, at least for a time. She isn't investing the same amount into your relationship as you are, creating an imbalance that makes you feel bad- so ditch her. If you like, you can explain to her once why you're avoiding meeting up (the truth, in all its glory) and then step back.

Guilt is how manipulative and selfish people get what they want. Don't give it to them- give yourself what you need instead.

I think it's best you and your cousin maintain a relationship that doesn't involve discussing family.

@shodan what struck me most about your post was when you said you had no contact with your mum because she refused to cut your brother out (I’m sorry to read what you went through btw). That’s the same reason I stopped seeing my sister as she idolises her dad (my abuser) and I couldn’t go to her wedding as he was going. There was never any question of him not going, it was me who had to miss it and she didn’t give a shit and actually was a bit snotty with me over it. It really damaged our relationship and I will never speak to her again because things are so
messed up (she also rocked up uninvited to my kids nativity play with my mother, but that’s another story).

The ripples of child abuse just go on and on and on. They reach into other relationships, and more areas of your life than you could ever imagine

The imbalance is a perfect way to describe it. She’s happy to ignore the fallout and chat about tv shows but for me this has been massively life changing and it feels weird to pretend otherwise. I will be honest in future. It will come up again soon enough.

Feel drained this evening, like a hollow shell. When will I ever feel better about all this and not fucking struggling? I’m old and so over it.

Absolutely agree that sexual abuse spreads it's fingers throughout your entire life. My darling fiancé is in the the throes of leaving me as my behaviour over the last 20 years has at times been unacceptable. Through therapy I'm learning why I chose to do what I did. And so 40 years on I'm going through it all again, the same pain, the same anguish and coupled with losing the love of my life. I do have moments of "What's the point" but I just keep moving forward minute by minute, hour by hour.
Sending hugs; sexual abuse at the hands of those who should've loved and protected us is a hard cross to bear.

sexual abuse at the hands of those who should've loved and protected us is a hard cross to bear. It is, indeed, but it is possible to get past it and be whole, I believe. How, is up to the individual. I had one therapy session and was told I was clearly 'over it' so didn't need any more sessions, and I'm afraid that was enough to put me off for life.

But I found my own way, eventually. I took up karate, and it gave me not only the strength to defend myself physically, it gave me a real family- one who has my back, always.

Belief in you- that's the strongest weapon you can have against the misery that these people wreak. It doesn't matter really where it comes from- whether it's your partner, or your best friend, your therapist or a random bunch of people you meet, like I did- the knowledge that they are on your side is what helps change the internal struggle.

Unfortunately, Godiva, there is no way that you can persuade your sister to have your back- to do that would mean acknowledging that her view of her father is wrong, and would unravel a way of life that she has worked on and for, forever.

No-one can understand the layers and layers of hurt, confusion, bewilderment, lack of self-esteem, anger and a hundred other damaging emotions unless they've been through the same thing. It pervades every fibre of your being, it touches everything you are and do.

But here's the thing. (or at least, here's how I view it now). I'm not damaged. I am whole, I am strong, I am compassionate, I am understanding, I am happy- and I am these things not in spite of what I suffered, but because of it. I am a better person because I fought and overcame. I am a better person than any of the abusers or nay-sayers could ever be, despite their very high opinions of themselves. And I am that because they didn't break me.

Don't get me wrong- I've been where you are. I'm just a bit further down my path, that's all. And you will be too, I have no doubt- because we are a select band. Not a band we would have chosen to be in, but nevertheless a band, and that in itself makes us strong. And that's something else- this select band has your back. Even though you don't know us all, we all support each other, simply by being in this band.

Build your strength and Marie Kondo your relationships

Thank you. That was so inspirational to read @shodan!

I can absolutely see how karate could be awesome therapy. I need something like that. I have a best friend and my awesome hubby but I need to meet more likeminded people.

@beckiboodle wishing you the best for your relationship.

Well, I have to admit that quite apart from anything else, having the licence to thump people is very therapeutic (and before anyone suggests otherwise, I do only mean fellow students).

On rereading I do feel that I sound a bit like one of those life coaches or whatever, so I'm sorry for that but I do mean it. It is a place that we can all get to.

How much have you opened up to your cousin voluntarily? She may think you don't want to discuss it but is meeting up and keeping contact as a form of support. Sometimes ppl don't know what you are comfortable with. Even asking someone if they're OK could be terribly upsetting or triggering under the right circumstances. I wouldn't write her off because she's not behaving the way you expect or want. She likely doesn't know how best to support you, but the fact she is in continued contact says something.

@mytwistedimagination I’ve told her every thing. I texted her in an emotional frenzy at times for hours when it was initially becoming no contact with my mum. But then I noticed she never ever bought it up, it was all me doing so. She certainly knows I’m comfortable talking about it and it’s helpful for me to. She just doesn’t mention it ever.

I liked what borlottibeans said. There is an elephant in the room and it is strange to not discuss it. Although probably it is always on “play” in you mind but not on your cousins mind

I note that you said above that you texted your cousin about it in an emotional frenzy. Have you never spoken face-to-face? Maybe she feels it would be too upsetting to bring up in person? Maybe she doesn’t want to upset you if you are having a more relaxed conversation? Maybe she feels you regretted sending the messages? There could be many reasons why she doesn’t talk about it but she still wants to be there for you.