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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being a fool? (Bit of a long one)

16 replies

Mumplusone2018 · 09/07/2018 00:39

Right to cut a long story short me and my other half are currently in a long distance relationship and we have an 18 month old together and have been together 4 and a half years although We’ve been on and off for a while due to my OH constantly lying to me about little things and breaking promises, but he had said he would change so we could be a family and move in together. I wanted to believe him so I gave him another chance, but then yesterday after coming down to visit the day before he was ignoring all of my messages and not replying to any. Then when I called him out on it today he said I was always going psycho and having a go at him for no reason. It was at this point I realised he had gone out the night before and didn’t even have the decency to just text and say I’m on a night out will speak later, instead he just flat out ignored me. I asked him several times had he gone out and he ignored the question until finally he said, yeah I went to the pub but I didn’t say anything because I knew you’d kick off. Now, I did Kick off but not because he went out, but because when I have ever asked him to go to the pub with me he has flat out refused and told me he hated pubs, even though I prefer them to horrible nightclubs. Yet when his friends ask it’s a different story. That was what made me mad the most, is that he won’t ever go out with me, but will his mates. As well as keeping it a secret instead of being honest! Am I right to be annoyed? He’s lied to me so much to me over the last 2 years since I fell pregnant and he’s promised every time that he will change yet hasn’t.
I have ended it with him at the minute as I am sick of being taken for a mug, it’s like he doesn’t take the relationship seriously and doesn’t want to commit to anything or take responsibility. It’s like he wants to see his LO but not have the added responsibility of caring for her 24/7 like I do. Have I been too harsh or am I right to get seriously peed off ?

Ps sorry if any typos, I’m on my phone and I have right sausage fingers 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
bonfireheart · 09/07/2018 00:48

Why is it a long distance relationship?
He has a child with you and doesn't sound very committed or like he cares.

redastherose · 09/07/2018 00:52

There's an expression used often on MN 'if someone shows you who they are believe them'. He is showing you over and over who he is and what his priorities are and it isn't you and you DC. Don't listen to his words, believe his actions.

RedPill · 09/07/2018 01:14

I have ended it with him at the minute
... all this back and forth is unnecessary, he obviously isn't going to change. Why put yourself through it?!

Rainbowqueeen · 09/07/2018 01:22

Sorry OP but I just can’t see a happy relationship between the two of you happening. He is gaslighting you, trying to make it your fault when he has done something wrong rather than discussing the situation like a mature adult.

I would end it for good. Give yourself the chance to find a good man

Mumplusone2018 · 09/07/2018 11:08

We’re in a long distance relationship as he lives in Warwickshire and I live in Bedfordshire, we met online so had been doing a long distance relationship, his mother passed away and left the house to him and his siblings but there were legal issues so hes had to stay there until the deeds get changed. They came through in December but he still hasn’t sold up the house yet. When my little one was born he had said he’d move down with me but then at the last minute changed his mind and I’ve not fully trusted him since but he had promised he’d change. I think I’m just desperate for it to work as I wanted my little one to have a proper family and I wanted us to be a proper family but after he’s lied again I don’t know if I can carry on. He’s really knocked my confidence and made me feel so worthless. I’m also scared to be a single mum, I suffer from PND which was also brought on by having a difficult time during the first few months of my LOs life (she had multiple issues but GPs didn’t want to know for ages) and also by being lied to by my other half so many times.

OP posts:
Sarahjconnor · 09/07/2018 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itbemay · 09/07/2018 11:19

I’m also scared to be a single mum, I suffer from PND which was also brought on by having a difficult time during the first few months of my LOs life (she had multiple issues but GPs didn’t want to know for ages) and also by being lied to by my other half so many times.

But you are a single mum, he sounds absolutely useless! and by your own admission he has lied to you on many occasions, why would you want this man in your lives?! hugs

AdaColeman · 09/07/2018 11:20

It sounds as though he isn't especially interested in you or your child, and that he is enjoying a carefree single life centred around where he lives.
Does he pay child maintenance? If not, get get that sorted right away through the government agency.

I don't think he will ever provide the cosy family life you want so much.

Start focusing on yourself and your child, and make life for the two of you the best it can be, because you are never going to get very much from a relationship with this tosser.

Mumplusone2018 · 09/07/2018 15:38

I could never be certain if I’m the only girl to be honest, it’s crissed my mind at times.

He does pay maintenance but my god he lets me know about it, he acts like he’s doing me a massive favour paying for little one and thinks because he pays it makes him sad of the year even though he’s gone 4-5 weeks at a time not coming to see her.

I’m still so angry st how he lied again and it hurt the most that he refused to go anywhere with me but will go out with his mates. It’s made me feel like utter rubbish now, now all I’m thinking is that no ones going to ever want me if my own partner didn’t even want to spend time with me :/

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/07/2018 15:41

Newsflash: you Are a single Mum. You always have been.

He has zero intention of moving, and you have to become the driver of your own life rather than just the passenger. This relationship is 100% over and has been for a while. You are being a mug, I'm afraid.

BunsOfAnarchy · 09/07/2018 16:15

Have you ever been to 'his place'?

Are you sure he's not already with someone/married/other kids and theres a possibility you could be the other woman?

babyblue32 · 09/07/2018 21:00

Sounds like my ex.

  • refused to ever do much with me. Would ignore me for days and on nights out and be online in his phone but not message me until the afternoon later.....

Long distance too.

I'm 8 months pregnant and he hasn't been around for any of it.

Tbh...... you want it to work... but why? He's inconsistent in your child's life he hasn't seen for 4/5 weeks. That means he going that long without see you too.
I get long distance you have gaps without seeing each other.... but if he ok with going that long let him carry on.
Focus on you and your child

Angrybird345 · 10/07/2018 06:43

You’re already a single parent. He is barely a dad. Stop being a mug, get him out of your life and see him in court to finalise maintenance. Move on.

AgentJohnson · 10/07/2018 08:15

You are a single mum, you just can’t accept it. You gambled on this fuckwit and you lost but here you are throwing good money after bad in the desperate hope for that ‘big win’, psst it ain’t never gonna happen.

Get off the merry go round and start taking responsibility for your choice in prioritising someone who sees you as an option.

Gemini69 · 10/07/2018 08:19

this guy is not in a relationship with you lovely...he has no intention of committing or moving in with you ... Flowers

Hideandgo · 10/07/2018 08:25

I don’t think you get anything out of this except the illusion that you’re still with the father of your child.

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