How bad is it if I move out?

[Wongthong]

Namechanged.

3 primary ages kids, house is big and has small mortgage. Husband says he absolutely will not leave, and the kids don’t want this house sold.

If I leave and take the children, will this go against me in the divorce? I am thinking of moving into rented.

I just want to feel like I’m moving forward. Please help!

Anyone? This is not going to get better and it’s damaging the children, who adore him.

Why don't you stay until the divorce sorts it out?

Have you seen a solicitor?

Stay in the house and start divorcing him - if the house is that big move into a spare room or put two of the kids together in one.

Don’t waste your remaining assets on rent (which will be high assuming you need a 3 bed plus)

We are already in separate rooms and have been for a long time. It’s a big house. I’ve seen a solicitor and she says to stay put too but honestly I feel like putting the kids in the car and running.

He’s not violent, I’m not in danger, I’ve just had enough.

read up on grey rock technique

staying in the house won’t damage the kids if you can control your actions/ refrain from biting back at him it’ll just be a calm household:
if he continues to be hostile your kids will probably just realise their dads a prick..:

If you have lots of cash and assets go for it
By lots I mean at least 4years x 12months x rent on a 4 bed (4 x 12 x 2000? = 96k)

Otherwise pull on your big girl pants

Can you take a break and stay with family for a week or if you work go on a “work conference” and j St book into a travel lodge near the office for a few days to get some headspace

Grey rock is good.

The kids are the main reason I want to go. He is always telling them how useless and lazy I am and if they’re rude to me, he won’t step in. They talk to me the way that he does and it’s horrible and that is why we have to split.

Trojan I could cover the rent if I stopped paying him towards the house here. Plus he would have to pay at least some child support won’t he?

I can’t escape for a bit until maybe the summer hols when I can take the kids away somewhere.

It sounds like you need some respite / a break from him being an arsehole. Can you go to your mums even for a weekend (faked ailment or similar?)

Firstly, Ignore the fact the kids don’t want the house sold - geniunely kids don’t know what they want so as hard as it is ignore that.

Sounds like he is brain washing the kids a bit - you will need to develop some strategies to combat that (not sure I can help but other smarter posters might

If the mortgage is small I’m not sure those numbers stack up - there will be child related expenses and what if he is a dock and refuses to pay CCS takes ages and if he is self employed he can fiddle the numbers.

Do you like your solicitor/think they are good if so I would really try and follow their guidance (or get a second opinion)

I may be biased as My mum put herself in an pretty crap financial position moving out (she too thought she could manage and it would be fine but has a fairly hefty mortgage aged 65 if she had hung in there for 18 months things financially would have been quite different (long story/its complex but there was a compounding effect)

Thanks Trojan, and thanks for sharing what happened to your mum.

Yes I trust my solicitor’s judgement so I suppose I have to take the advice I’ve paid for.

Mortgage is about £100k, £400 equity. Solicitor said to start thinking about half the assets as a starting point, so that’s effectively the house and our pensions. His ability to earn and borrow is way higher than mine though.

If his ability to earn is way higher I would be trying to preserve your savings/finances as much as possible (so staying )

Are you contributing to household costs 50/50 or are you putting in more than him once kids stuff is factored in to the equation?
I would think about trying to get to a point where you pay proportionally based on earnings or at minimum 50/50.

I’d also start depleting any personal savings accounts gradually (£20/£50 here and there) and then put the cash somewhere safe (not the house) when you get to disclosing assets you can say when the relationship went south, it was difficult and it went on day to day costs

Thanks Trojan. I’ve no idea about the household finances as he keeps it all entirely separate from me. I pay him an amount every month towards the mortg and bills.

Bizarre - how much if you don’t mind me asking?

Maybe now is the time to review it?

I’ve no idea about the household finances as he keeps it all entirely separate from me

Blimey. So you've no idea if you're actually contributing 75%? Or if he's paying these bills at all?

Why did your solicitor say to stay? Men often leave and it doesn't impact their settlement.

A friend stayed through a brutal divorce and he used everything against her, such as taking photos of everything to prove she was a deeadful mum.The stress on her wss enormous.

Are you going to file for divorce? However I do agree that financially if you can avoid renting it would be good as a hostile divorce will cost £25k at least!

Don't rule out selling the house, its often better to start afresh and children can feel excited about a new house if reassured.

It's not fair for you to take your children away if they don't want to go. Obviously he shouldn't be saying those things to them but if they don't have a good relationship with you that is your fault. My mother said similar things about my father. I didn't believe them because I loved him.

Well I suppose I’ve trusted him, so he covers the mortgage outgoings and some groceries, I do the kids stuff, my own outgoings etc.

Racecardriver what do you suggest? I stay with him?