Toxic Friendships

[JuJuMacD0808]

Would be grateful for some advice from anyone experiencing something similar..

Bit of background; I was bullied throughout my schools days, primary, high school etc and as a result I'm a massive people pleaser, friends have been known to take advantage of my ways... I received counselling 10 years ago & managed to cut some of these people from my life but I find this hard especially as some I've known some since college & are constantly in touch regarding meet ups etc... These college girls (6 in total) although fun, I seem to have toxic relationships with i.e never agree to meeting up unless on their terms, not one of them came to my sons Christening recently, that's fair enough but in return one of them in particular expects me to go above and beyond for her, picking her up en route to places without offering petrol with zero thanks (& a lot of the time it's out of my way) Many other things too but I could be here all day. I've slowly tried to withdraw from them & have started putting boundaries in place, making myself less available etc but I'm beginning to find them a hindrance with constant WhatsApp messages back & forth etc. My children take up so much of my time already, I really don't have the time anymore. I know people are not perfect & I'm not expecting that in a friendship, I just feel we have grown apart & they take me for granted. I do have other friendships which are reciprocal, respectful & mutual in give & take, but would love some advice on how to withdraw from these negative friendships. I think the issue really lies with myself & that i want to build better relationships with people, but find it hard to break old habits. Anyone experienced this at all & can recommend any tips I'd be really grateful. Thanks x

I am in a similar situation- it’s bullying really. They used me and then when I was not of use I would be the last to be contacted. I was a fool though - I would still go back to them, they made me feel so small yet I would do above and beyond to help them. I’m better now but I’ve cut all ties with them - and surprise, they haven’t bothered to ask after me after more than 20 years. Good luck OP. I would gradually cut them out if I were you.

Put the whatsapp group on mute and gradually disengage. Got rid of a few toxic people last year and haven't looked back.

Put them on mute and set your boundaries. What I’ve learned in coaching is to ask “what’s in it for me?” When someone asks me for something, a favour or whatever. With a good friendship you don’t have to do that too much, it should be an easy give-and-take. In a toxic situation you need to keep your guard up and, if there’s nothing in it for you, say “no”.

Thanks for your advice, you're right I do need to withdraw, it's so difficult to fall back into old habits but guess I need to be strong & put resistances up. It makes me angry that people treat others this way, but if this is a pattern over time, it boils down to me to correct.

You need to stand up and show these people that you aren’t a walkover. Exit yourself from the whatsapp conversations (if it’s a group) then delete the group. Keep doing that and they will stop adding you to the group. No way I’d be talking to people who couldn’t be bothered to come to my sons christening. These people are users and you should focus your time and attention on the new more mature relationships you’ve made. Just block them and move on

The Christening thing upset me most, one had the lamest excuse for not coming & it transpired she lied anyway as I discovered on Facebook. Why not just be honest & explain you can't come? Really need to walk away from such friendships, that use & abuse

Read the science of likability by Patrick King.
He's a psychologist and provides good understanding of how friendships work, well worth a read

And fwiw I have faded out 3 friendships this year which I felt were very one sided, always me making the effort.
It is such a relief to just have my time back to myself and not feeling like I owe people anything with nothing much in return.
I now spend my time taking care of me and hopefully I can build more honest friendships in future.
Also recommend reading 'on the shortness of life' by lucius seneca, its a bit deep, a phylosophy book, however, contains very useful advice.
Also, watch foxhole friends Ted talk on YouTube, definitely changed my perspective

Thank you Toptheginup, very helpful recommendations x

Don't be hard on yourself juju.. you'd already worked out what you needed to do..it's just nice to come on here for a bit of reassurance.

Unfortunately I have learnt that in this life there are the givers and the takers.. Your "friends" are takers.
I withdrew from a "friend" last year...It is sad I suppose.. but it makes you realise that they weren't real friends...and at least I am not being taken advantage of / available as and when they need something.
I've decided to put the effort into people who are genuine and deserve it.
I suppose it doesn't really matter how long it takes for the penny to drop..it has eventually..and I'm sure that I / you will be better off for withdrawing. Hth

Thanks ohdearmissus, you're so right!

I'll have my radar on from now on! Glad the penny dropped for you too.