Why do I feel so guilty?

[TowerOfJoy]

The background so I don't drip feed;
Last year DH told me he had a massive gambling problem. He was in around £17,000 of debt but had stopped gambling at this point. He was terrified of losing me and DD so hadn't wanted to tell me.
I then agreed to take out a loan of £14,000 to pay off most of his debt as he had such bad credit any loans he could take out would've been massive monthly repayments and would have left us as a family so much worse off a month.

4 months later DH walked out on me saying he was unhappy. There's been a lot of ups and downs since then from it starting to seem like we could get through this and get back together, to me finding out last month that he had been gambling again and him lying about it when I asked.

I'm now looking to buy a house as it would be cheaper than staying in our rented house. I asked DH six weeks ago to sort out getting the loan out of my name as I won't be able to get a mortgage with it. He flips from saying he will, to when I ask how's it coming along he'll get angry, calling me a twat, he can't wait to never have to see me again.

The latest plan was he was going to ask his father to be a guarantor on a loan tonight. When DH dropped DD off earlier I asked if he would let me know how it goes and he said that he couldn't ask his father. His father had lent him £1000 last year and said if he ever gambled again he would never speak to him again. So DH doesn't think his father would help him in anyway and asking him would only cause them to have a massive fall out.
DH has looked in to selling his car (but he's still paying off the finance plus he needs it for work and taking DD out), moving to social housing (massive waiting list and his rent isn't too expensive now).

I don't feel like he was making excuses earlier, he honestly looked defeated and like there was no way out.

So why now do I feel so guilty? He has lied to me repeatedly, walked out on me, called me horrible things while arguing. I know all this is his own doing but he seems in a very bad place lately. I have felt so guilty all afternoon though, as if me asking him to sort out his debt is selfish of me.

Sorry for such a long rambling post!

At a guess, because he's been emotionally manipulating you to get what he wants from you, and because you're a caring person whose first instinct is to try and help people.

You did everything you could have done and more than most. It's not selfish to protect your own and your DD's lives, and the steps you are trying to take are necessary to do that. Who else is going to do it if you don't?

The only selfish person I see in this scenario is him.

Thank you Gruffalina. I feel like just trying to sort out mine and DD's lives, buying a house would give is a bit of security. I've had it thrown back in my face though.

Trust me, these are not the circumstances I thought I'd be in when I bought my first house. There no excitement for me, just trying to do something to make my life better right now.

You feel guilty likely because you're codependent with him. Addicts and codependents typically form couples. The addicts "job" is to make drama; the codependents "job" is to clean it up. In this dynamic, the addict has his need met (needing to escape/ indulge/ whatever, which they do through their addictive cycle, including the drama eg debt, fights, etc); the codependent has her need met as well - she's heroic, saintly, the responsible one, the adult - it'll be a version of that, if that makes sense.

You're trying to step out of the codependent role because you've, on some level, realised it's a farce and you want to protect DD. I.e., you're doing exactly the right thing.

BUT - part of what motivates the codependent is a sense of guilt. "The addict needs me, he can't cope, also I don't deserve love and have to "pay" for it through taking care of people, so asking for the addict to take responsibility is abusive or mean somehow".

So... You're feeling guilty because you're still half way into your codependent role.

He knows it, unconsciously possibly. That's why he's stalling and trying different tactics until the guilt breaks you and you start playing the game again.

Don't fall for it. It's all an illusion. It's part of the dance of the addict and the codependent.

Stay strong. Remember all emotions pass. You know you're doing the right thing. Tie yourself to the mast until the storm passes x

I've been thinking about your post all morning, so much of our relationship was me being the responsible one, looking after him.
I know this week will be hard for him as it's the anniversary of the death of a close family member. I've already been checking in, seeing if I can do anything. I think that is exactly my problem. I'm still trying to look after him, after all he has said and done, and I need to take a step back now

Been in this exact same situation.

I'm still paying off the loan.

Sorry OP.

Wouldn’t it be better to divorce before you buy a property? Get legal advice before you do anything regarding the loan or getting a mortgage.

Surely even if he does manage to get a loan, give it to you for you to pay yours off, it’ll take some time to show on your credit record for a mortgage? I’m sure someone with more financial nous than me will be along soon but I can’t imagine you will be able to get a mortgage easily as a single parent who recently took out a massive loan?

I doubt he’ll be able to get a loan to repay you or that he even wants to, OP.

I’m sorry but I feel like you’ve been extremely foolish in giving £14k debt to yourself to hand such a huge amount over to a known gambler. At this stage you’re basically relying on his goodwill and morality to pay you back, which is probably in short supply considering you’ve broken up and he’s a gambling addict.

You may need to look into bankruptcy if you don’t earn enough to pay it back yourself. And never, ever do anything like this again. When someone gets themselves into a mess like this you can be by their side while they fix it but you can’t be the one to fix it.

I have already met with a solicitor and decided on a separation agreement rather than divorce at this stage. Partly because of how long a divorce would take and I would be paying more in rent for those 6 months than a mortgage would cost, and partly because I don't want to rush in to a divorce.

I don't think bankruptcy would even come in to it, as it is DH has been paying me the loan repayments every month since they started.

I am also lucky that house prices can be quite cheap locally so even if I had to get a mortgage with the debt still in my name it would be do able, just not in an ideal area or condition.

I've been a bit all over the place the last few days.
My mortgage in principle has come through this week, and it is enough for me to be able to buy a house, even with the loan still in my name.
Its all starting to feel a bit real now, the idea that I could be buying a house for just me and DD, and not as a family. I keep being told it will be a fresh start for me but it's still so upsetting that this is how my life is heading and it's not what I wanted.