To be very concerned about my DS father?

[11Tryingmybest11]

Hello everyone,

Link to previous thread here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3289184-What-to-do-about-DS-father-and-grandparents

I have posted here about my DS father before, but now I am even more concerned. He has DS for the weekend and I tried to talk to him about setting a consistent agreement for seeing DS (every third weekend). I told him that he needs to stick to that as it's important for DS to know exactly when he is seeing his dad, and to know that he is a priority in his father's life. He had made a spreadsheet of the times he had seen him as 'proof' he was a good dad, and was totally dumbfounded and not accepting when I pointed out that his own spreadsheet showed he has seen DS for 28/195 days this year. He still tried to argue that this is an acceptable amount of time.

He was constantly avoidant of the conversation of regular access, bringing up several ridiculous and random statements like he pays me '£50 child maintenance a week', asking me how I afford my lifestyle, questioning me on if I am claiming benefits, telling me I milk him (!!). I don't say this lightly, but after he'd left the conversation and stormed off I have genuine concerns that he is has a personality disorder. He absolutely seems to hate me for no reason.

He also said he is not willing to see DS every 3 weeks as he might have events scheduled on those weekends, like his girlfriend's graduation. I told him that, short of illness or a family emergency, he needs to stick to those agreed dates as it's important for DS. I also said I would stop access if he continued to mess DS around, to which he laughed and said he knew his rights and would take me to court.

I am genuinely concerned about the mental state of my ex and his influence around my son. I have a sick feeling in my stomach that he may do something. He's had lots of deviant behaviour in the past: lying all the time, having a porn addiction, generally just not seeing situations or the world the same as everyone else to an extreme.

I just don't know what to do at this point.

Did you both agree with access and visitation, did it go to court,

Stop messing about, get cms involved for the money aspect and get court ordered access so he can't mess you about.

Ignore his twat behaviour and stop worrying if it's a MH issue. It's not, he is simply trying to dominate you. Next time he threatens court, say yes you want to go through the courts to arrange set times and then involve cms. No court is going to grant him random times that fit around his gf etc. They'll laugh him out of court! He fits his life round child NOT the otherway
round. That is not best for the child and makes him look like an idiot.
Yes he does hate you, because he is a twat and you've stopped playing to his tune. Stop caring, stop trying to reason with him, stop arguing. Let him run to the courts, it will actually benefit you and your so .

Just read your previous post where everyone suggested you can't do much and can't force him to see your ds. If you feel he is a bad influence and that he may put your ds in harm don't force him to see him, i am a bit confused, you say he doesn't see him enough then you say you're concerned about his behaviour and influence. How old is ds.

DS is 3.

It's because I am genuinely at odds of what is best for my son. Let him keep messing him around or stop access (let him take me to court).

I am concerned about both aspects; him messing DS around and him being a negative and horrible influence in his life. I'm just at odds with it all at this point.

Would you try mediation, I think you need to speak to someone who is objective and offers legal advice, are you in a position to deny him access legally and if he doesn't want to see his son and you are concerned about his influence then is it worth pushing him.

I would try mediation. I am going to go to Citizen's Advice tomorrow. To be honest I know he is not going to stick to the every 3 week agreement, he has already said as much. I just want to prove, should it go to court, that I tried absolutely everything and gave him ample opportunity to have access to his child.

Hi OP

Sorry but I may be missing something here. There are 52 weekends in 2018 so that is 104 days (Sat and Sun). One third of that (every third weekend) is about 34 days in total. 28 so far to date indicates he is well above that amount so far if you scale it up to a full year.

Of course this isn't a maths problem but just want to check you are judging this man fairly given his access arrangements severely limit the days he sees his son.

Of course if he has prior commitments on days he has his ds he need to do what the rest of us parents do and arrange childcare such as at the grandparents or similar. It is reasonable for you to expect him to be responsible for his child during the agreed time but it is not reasonable for you to demand that he misses important events in his new dp's life because you have an inflexible scheduling arrangement.

He doesn't have a personality disorder, he's an abusive arsehole. No further explanation for his behaviour necessary.

I also said I would stop access if he continued to mess DS around, to which he laughed and said he knew his rights and would take me to court.

And the court will tell him the same things you have. Continuity is important for children. You don't have to wait for him to instigate court proceedings. If you want to formalize things, you can do that. He doesn't have all the power.

Daddystepdaddy His access arrangements for every third weekend were suggested and proposed by him. The reason that it appears he is 'well above that amount so far' is because he will see him for say, a week in the Easter Holiday and then not see him for 5 weeks. Then see DS for one Sunday in a month, not see him for 4 weeks, then have him stay over for a week. Hopefully that makes sense? There is zero consistency to when he sees DS, and he is still refusing to stick to consistent schedule because it interferes with his social life. I am not happy with this cavalier 'as and when it is convenient for me' attitude and it will have a detrimental impact on my son when he is older.

He does not need to miss important events in his girlfriend's life, his life, his families etc. As you pointed out, on his scheduled weekend he can do what the rest of us do and find childcare. Or take our DS with him as I have had to do many times to family events like graduations, weddings, parties etc.

He is abusive. The reason I have concerns over his mental stability is because he has an absolute obsession with my finances and lifestyle, to the point he is blinkered by it. We cannot have a reasonable discussion about DS without him questioning how much money I earn on a weekly, monthly, daily basis. He constantly derails the conversation from what is important - DS. Also making a spreadsheet to try to prove a point that he sees DS 'more than other dads' (as if the bare minimum is a standard to be held against), to me is not the actions of someone behaving rationally.

Of course the court will tell him the same things I have done, although he will argue blue in the face that he 'knows his rights'. I do want to formalise things. I just don't want to be seen in my DS eyes as being the bad guy. It is very difficult when the person you are dealing with is so manipulative and unreasonable to a point of madness.

You're still trying and failing to have reasonable conversations about ds because HE IS NOT REASONABLE. Stop. Ignore. Formalise. Stop worrying about your ds seeing you as the bad guy. He's a child. He is not analysing everything like you are. Ex sticks to his arrangements or he doesn't see ds til his next arranged time. Just like when it's formalised. Stop trying to reason with him. The only person this is hurting is YOU.

I too think you would be better going the cms route. It will probably annoy him seeing as he has an obsession with your finances but this is for your ds's needs and should be formalised. Is it really worth the strain of trying to make a reluctant father see his son? If you cut ties would he actually bother with court ordered contact? I'm not sure what positive influences he and his parents are bringing to your son.

Your ds is 3, he has no idea. Sort the contact put properly via the court, do not discuss finances with him and get proper maintenance.