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Relationships

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Original poster

I was engaged and now I'm not, will we survive this?

15 replies

AmberRose94 · 08/07/2018 20:14

Hello

My partner proposed when we found out I was pregnant, it wasn't what I expected from a proposal, and it wasn't a surprise, but the ring is beautiful. We've been together 5 years. We spoke about it the other night, he basically made up different excuses; money, his relationship with my mum, it'll be a small wedding, I'm 'controlling'. I haven't wore my ring since and we haven't really spoken about it. Has this happened to anyone else? Did you get married after? I know he rushed in to the proposal because of the baby, but we was going to have a long engagement anyway, I just don't get it.

OP posts:

EveningHare · 08/07/2018 20:35

communication is very important - he may just have cold feet, baby and marriage is a big step, but maybe sit down and talk about it?

dirtybadger · 08/07/2018 20:54

Ask him if he would like a small and private wedding (i.e. two witnesses and not much more)? Money isnt an issue then and it will be small. And if the controlling thing is about you taking control of the wedding (in the sense that many more women rathee than men can end up oddly controlling about weddings?) then thats that problem solved too.

Alternatively he doesnt want to marry you. Whats his excuse now...?

Gruffalina72 · 08/07/2018 21:18

What about his relationship with your mum?

How are you controlling?

LanaorAna2 · 08/07/2018 21:41

Has he dumped you but doesn't want to admit it? If so, stand firm. Explain either you or him are leaving the house for a bit.

Original poster

AmberRose94 · 08/07/2018 22:16

Fuck knows!

I'm all for a small wedding, even just us 3, I was just looking at wedding stuff online and started talking to him about it. I think he has just got cold feet, either that or he wants to make sure this is what he wants, but again I would understand that...

I thought me not wearing the ring would annoy him, but it hasn't.

And him and my mum have a long term dislike to each other, more my mums side, and she will not budge. He said all he wants is an apology or he cant imagen getting married with her there, but AGAIN a small wedding (just us) would solve that.

communication is the key, but I feel like he's sweeping it under the carpet. What's so scary about getting married? We have a baby. I think our relationship is doing well, considering she's just turned one. But is it normal to back track on an engagement? I feel like if I go back now, then in the future, if he wants to, will I? could you do it after going back to 'girlfriend'.

like I said I thought he would react to not wearing the ring, maybe it is too much pressure for him., but can I fix that or is it purely wait? And what if he is just staying with me for Mia? That would be horrible..

OP posts:

dirtybadger · 08/07/2018 22:20

If your name is your username and anything to do with your DOB and Mia is your actual childs name I would ask mumsnet to amend your post by the way to make it less identifying

Ellafruit1 · 08/07/2018 22:20

I don’t understand how you think your relationship is doing well when you can’t talk about your feelings about marriage with each other. Did you mean the sex is doing well? I wouldn’t get married if you can’t talk about all of this with him.

MargaretCavendish · 08/07/2018 22:24

I'm sorry OP but I don't think this is a great sign, and you need a really serious talk. If he had decided he wasn't sure about a wedding/getting married that would be one thing, but some of the things he said - that you're controlling, the relationship with your mum - aren't wedding problems, they're relationship problems. They're not reasons to not want a wedding, they're reasons to be unsure this relationship is permanent. If that's how he's thinking then, horrible as it will be to hear, it's best you know now. You can't bury your head in the sand about this.

MMmomDD · 08/07/2018 22:51

OP - now that you have a child, i’d say - yes, it’s a bad sign. And I won’t be easily going back to gf/bf. Marriages aren’t all a romantic idea. They are designed to protect the woman/child, to give them long term financial security. Because one person in a relationship does end up sacrificing and compromising - when kids are ill, during holidays, school events.
More often than not - it’s the female, taking time off and damaging her career and earning prospects.

The reasons he gave you are at best childish, at worst calculating.
And - it’s not in his interests to marry - if one were to look at it from pure selfish and economic POV.
If he is backtracking now - I don’t think he’ll come around. Why would he need to at a later stage?

In your place i’d take his backtracking as a sign that he is not fully in, not committed, wants to keep his options open.
So - i’d be writing a co-parenting agreement, so that he’d be taking his fair share of childcare, etc.
And - if by some chance - you are a SAHM - i’d be looking for a job. Because he can’t be counted to stick around and provide for the two of you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 08/07/2018 23:56

Why does your mum not like him? Have you really listened to her about him, or have you been reflexively dismissive towards her perspective/opinions?

I agree with Margaret Cavendish and MMmomDD

AgentJohnson · 09/07/2018 06:10

Between the proposal not meeting your expectations and you not wearing the ring and him not having the balls to say he’s changed his mind, I’d question both of your motives about getting married.

Zommum · 09/07/2018 06:16

I was in a similar situation except without any children. He had changed his mind and was struggling to tell me. I gave him an out and he took it. You just need to talk to him about how he feels and let him tell you what he wants then you can go from there.

TattyCat · 09/07/2018 06:23

I think it's a good opportunity for you both to take stock of where you are and consider whether it's what you really want. It could be a good thing for you, in that 'drifting' into marriage is easy; actually sitting down and talking things through properly is much harder but at the end of it, you should know categorically what you both want.

But the key is communication, with no pressure on either side.

Just a couple of things jumped out to me. Why were you intending on a long engagement? What is the point of that, in your view? And secondly, I don't think men attach any importance to ring wearing, to be honest. Just because you've taken it off doesn't mean you're no longer engaged. You're engaged until you've had a conversation whereby one of you calls it off, regardless of what's on your finger. Oh, and why is your DM so against him?

Sit down together, have a sensible discussion, preferably leaving too much emotion out of it and decide what you both want to do and your reasons for marriage, or not. You can still stay together if you decide not to get married - what you do is up to both of you.

swingofthings · 09/07/2018 06:35

Taking off your ring is a massive statement. You are more or less telling him that you don't want to be his fiancee any longer and therefore wanting to marry him. Maybe he's resigned to you not wanting it.

It sounds a bit passive aggressive, making such a move that gives such a strong unspoken message, but then expecting him to make a move as to the next step.

MiniTheMinx · 09/07/2018 07:51

He doesn't like you mum, no issue surely, he just has to lump her. She's your mum.

She doesn't like him, that's more interesting, why? And what is your relationship like with your mum?

In the mean time if you want to get married, put the ring back on. Taking it off without any direct statement to the tune of "it's off" just looks sulky and reactive. Hold your ground, make your actions and communication less confusing. He offered you marriage, you accepted in good faith. By your actions prove that you at least uphold your promises. Or you do the right thing.....that just leaves him to 1) marry you or 2) explicitly state he doesn't want to.

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