I'm 23 years old, and I'm in a relationship that started off well - lots in common, a massive attraction a shared sense of humour. This humour that I once found funny has now changed and escalated to him calling me names (stupid/commenting on aspects of my appearance that I can't change/criticising my clothes/saying that I would look better with this hair or that style), and when I challenge what he's saying to me as being quite cruel, he passes this off as a "joke". According to him it's "my fault I'm offended, as I'm no longer able to take a joke". Apparently I "used to have a sense of humour", but now I don't.
I see no change in my own tolerance of his humour - I simply feel that he has grown more critical over time and as a result I am more sensitive and less confident, hence why I question him in order that he takes it back and i can cling onto a false sense of "he didn't mean it". He's joking, after all.
Aside from this he gives off the impression of being relatively unbothered by things - I don't perceive any outward impression that he is controlling, but perhaps he is being so through his constant criticism. He doesn't make me feel good about myself, so why do I keep going back for more? It's almost as if when there is one tiny hint of kind emotion from him, I see it as him having redeemed himself and all is forgiven. I feel so weak. I need help breaking this spell before there's nothing left of my self esteem.
Unfortunately I seem to fall into this terrible pattern of seeking out the same sort of people for relationships- and these people usually don't treat me so well. After having a bit of a read of the freedom programme I see that this is common.
Why do I feel like this is all that I'm worthy of? I can see that I'm beginning to believe I'm unattractive, I'm stupid, or that I should change things about me, but I'm struggling so much to act on these feelings and make changes (namely getting away from him and this toxicity). Why is this constant criticism still making it hard for me to call time on this relationship? Why do I feel addicted to a man who makes me feel very little other than unconfident and inferior? I'm so afraid that I'm losing control of myself.
I guess I'm not really after advice as I know what I need to do. I think that hearing others' experiences of this kind of situation and knowing that it's possible to break free might help me. Other than that, I think I just need a hug.