Hi Mumsnetters
I'm new on here but my friend swears by it, so thought I would voice my situation , I'm really just after some advice as I feel I am living every day with a sinking gut feeling that I just cannot shake.
I've been with my OH for 15 years, we met when we were very young and I was drawn to his "bad boy" ways  For a month or two we were very much "in love" although we partied heavily so I'm not sure how much of that was the real thing .. Our relationship turned pretty sour pretty fast and he became very emotionally abusive, he was very jealous and constantly called me stupid and a slut. I was totally faithful to him and a total puppy dog and used to apologise for everything to stop him being angry. Six months into the relationship I fell pregnant and he told me to "sort it out"- (I didn't, I kept the baby who is now nearly 14) I also lost my dad during that time which really messed me up.
We broke up numerous times, always getting back together no matter how awful things had become. He didn't care if he lied to me, he still doesn't to this day so I find it hard to trust him, he has never been able to talk about things, he would ignore me and go to sleep if I tried to talk about our relationship which would upset me even more. The lack of love back then was shocking to be honest, I haven't been an angel, we have both cheated on each other in the early years and both drank to excess. I was in a very bad place during my twenties and it is painful looking back at how sad and weak I was.
I have lost a lot of friends over the years who have told me to stay away from him and have hated him, but for some reason something makes me go back (pathetic I know). Another baby came along in 2012 and at this point he did start to change his ways a bit, and we agreed to draw a line and "forget" some of the horrors of our past and make a go of things. Two years later, out of nowhere he suddenly came into a lot of money, we were like rabbits in the headlights having never had much to spare. We I decided to get married, something I'd always wanted to do someday but he had never been fussed about. So we got married, bought a house, had another baby and now the dust has settled, we have been on what seems like a yearly cycle of high to low, yo-yo'ing from "happy families" to me feeling like I am totally trapped and wanting to get in my car and drive away. I keep envisaging another life, me with the children in our own little home somewhere.
Although he has been successful financially, which has in no doubt gone to his head hugely, he has landed us in some heavy debt which he lied to me about and I have even had suicidal thoughts at times but I'm not sure whether that's his fault or not. I just feel lost, we don't have an intimate relationship anymore, I don't look at him and want to have sex and I think the same goes for him, I sleep in my bed with my cat whilst he opts for downstairs.
We have just put our house up for sale, and I feel like I have this internal alarm telling me to leave, start afresh with my children. There's so much more to it but appreciate this is long enough already, hard to stop typing when I have started! I should say he has changed over the years and I do love him and his quirky ways at times and the arguments are nothing like they were, we don't argue much at all nowadays, sometimes we get on pretty well in a humour sort of way, sometimes there is just a tense undercurrent or he is busy at work and I'm studying my degree. Most of the time he seems laidback and relatively happy, although he prefers to be alone and enjoys his own company/his phone ...
He agreed to see a therapist last year when I was adamant we had broken up for good (lasted 6 weeks) I took him back because I was stunned he would take up therapy and thought perhaps this was the moment he would get in touch with his emotions ... his therapy sessions seem to be going well although he has missed out large chunks which he feels are unnecessary to discuss (would damage his pride). Therapist convinced he has Aspergers due to his lack of empathy 🤷🏼♀️ So I guess what I'm asking is, can we really move on from such a volatile past? I'm 32 and am scared of feeling like this at 42,52... etc. I think I have always wanted the "dream" family life, marriage, house ,babies. Why have I always gone back after the break up? Although nothing particularly drastic has happened lately I cannot shake this sinking feeling, and am battling with myself being a snappy grumpy cow on a daily
basis. Are these feelings indicating the end of a relationship or just the usual ups and downs of married life? I'm so worried about upsetting my 3 children, they are my life and I have pretty much bought them up single handedly anyway. What a mess, what to do .... 😕