Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Mother versus husband

22 replies

user1499625336 · 08/07/2018 17:35

Hello...

I could do with some unbiased opinions- basically I need some validation that I’ve made the right decision as I can’t seem to please everyone in my family!

I had surgery a few months ago and I figured that a holiday abroad would help my recovery. I’d had a pretty rough time so a week away was just what I needed- I didn’t have to bother cooking and the swimming really helped my internal scar tissue. Me and hubby made a deal. He hates holidays and we’d already got a caravan holiday booked for next month. We usually take my brother away (he’s got special needs), my teenage son (who also has some issues) and our dog. The deal was that we would forfeit the caravan holiday in favour of having respite abroad just the two of us. Long story short we had a fab holiday abroad and upon return I hinted to hubby that we could always still go on our caravan holiday; after all, I’m feeling much better and it’s paid for. He categorically refuses. He says we made a deal and that’s that.

I understand his point so figured I wouldn’t push it (though I was mildly disappointed). Today I told my mother and she’s reacted badly. Even though I told her what had happened and emphasised that this is my fault she is screaming blue murder about my husband. My brother is very upset we aren’t going and I feel terrible. My parents are going away abroad the same week we were supposed to be going in the caravan and my brother now wants to go with them. My dad has said no way. My mum reckons my husband is a bully and that he’s being selfish by stopping my brothers/sons holiday. My son doesn’t care- he’s happy on his xbox all week. So now my mum and husband are at loggerheads. I’ve always looked after my (36yo) brother- I got him a job/helped him buy a house etc. I’m just so angry at myself so being so selfish.

I’ve tried telling my mum that I would struggle physically (after surgery etc) and mentally (depression) to look after everyone if we went in a caravan. My hubby doesn’t drive. He’s also got brain damage so that means I would have to care for my brother, husband, son and dog! My mums more concerned that my brother isn’t getting a holiday. He is going away in about six weeks with other family but my mums demanding I should leave my husband as he’s a bully. Either that or she wants me to leave my husband at home whilst I take my brother away. Geez. So my thoughts are that my husband is in the right so I’ve been standing up for him. It’s causing real friction between me and my mum but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong? What are your thoughts?

Thank you for reading.....I’d really appreciate a bit of a heads up as I’m fretting that perhaps my mums right and I’m being unfair. I just feel so guilty about my brother....am I a terrible person???

OP posts:

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 08/07/2018 17:40

So your dps resent you having quality time with your dh to recover and won't share their holiday with their own ds? Yet expect you to with db?!
Tell them to go to hell.
And get well soon.

AlwaysSleepy1 · 08/07/2018 17:41

What will happen with your brother while your parents are away? is it a case of them needed a break or does he care for himself?

You sound similar to me and I do wonder..What do YOU want to do?

MurielsBottom · 08/07/2018 17:43

Well, I think you are correct about the agreement with your DH. You and he agreed something and you are right to stick to it. It has nothing to do with your mum really.
However I feel a little sorry for your brother. Did he know there would not be a holiday for him? Especially as you have taken him on holiday previously.

Tbh I'm not totally sure why your mum is so upset unless she needs a break from caring from your brother?

TatianaLarina · 08/07/2018 17:45

I think your mum is as much of a bully as your DH.

Ignore her.

BoneShaker · 08/07/2018 17:45

It was beyond crappy to make that deal with your DH and then immediately try to go back on it.

Your mother also sounds selfish. She knows that you wouldn't be able to cope (physically or mentally) with looking after your brother and your DS, yet is still trying to guilt-trip you into it.

PatheticNurse · 08/07/2018 17:46

I think maybe break it down. Who looked after your dog and son whilst you and your DH went away?

BurpeesAreTheWorkOfTheDevil · 08/07/2018 17:46

You booked the holiday for you, dh, DS and dh then cancelled it because you were going away with dh?

I do think that's a bit unfair actually, you said they were going away then changed your mind.

Why won't dh budge on not going? Does he not like the caravan holiday?

DelphiniumBlue · 08/07/2018 17:47

Why doesn't DH want to go on the caravan holiday? Is it because it sounds like quite hard work? It doesn't sound as if you are physically up to it yourself.
Maybe the booking could be changed to a later date when you're feeling stronger, and your mum could come instead of your husband?
Otherwise, they'll just all have to suck it up, if you're not able to cope because you've had surgery, that's a pretty good reason for not going.

Were your parents relying on you for respite? Could you have your brother at your home so That your parents can still get a break? Or maybe someone else in the family could have him?
I expect your mum has been so outrageously nasty to you about it because she's disappointed, but it's not fair to you. You're not a terrible personl

jmh740 · 08/07/2018 17:52

Why has your dad said no way to your brother going with them? I don't really understand why you would pay for a holiday and then not go, does this means your son doesn't get a holiday either? But I don't understand why your brothers holiday is your responsibility?

Original poster

user1499625336 · 08/07/2018 18:05

Thank you everyone! You’ve all reiterated my thoughts. My brother is pretty independent (he works full time, has his own house etc) but he lacks anyone to go on holiday with. Last year he went away several times but his companion can’t go away this year. I honestly didn’t think he would be so upset- in fact I thought he wouldn’t be bothered. My mum and dad just prefer to go away by themselves- they’re in their mid seventies. I think I’ve got to accept that I’ve messed up. I will try and make things up to my brother. Thank you again, in future I shall think very carefully before I do anything rash! My husband just hates holidays and doesn’t like having to do what my brother wants to do all week. Next year I shall plan things more carefully xxx

OP posts:

Thymeout · 08/07/2018 18:13

You suggested still having the caravan holiday and were 'mildly disappointed' when your DH refused. So it's difficult for you to argue to your DM that it would be too much for you. She realises the truth which is that DH is stopping the holiday going ahead.

I'm assuming that it wasn't a hardship for DH to go abroad just the two of you? It's probably what he'd prefer to do always. It does seem unfair to disappoint your DB and I imagine your DF sees the week away with your DM without him as respite for her, so I'm not surprised he's objecting.

How would you feel about going away as planned, but DH staying at home? It doesn't sound as if he's needed, if he has issues, too. He got what he wanted, a holiday on his own with you and no caravan holiday with your DB, so has no reason to feel aggrieved.

GeorgeIII · 08/07/2018 18:20

Direct your DM to your DH - the difficulty is you trying to sort things when you are pig in the middle, she can discuss it with DH surely?

Original poster

user1499625336 · 08/07/2018 18:23

Just to clarify a couple of bits- my mum always calls the shots with holidays. She has about 6 a year. I normally pay for a couple of these as she loves taking my son away too. She normally organises the year and tells me what dates I can go etc. I’ve already took my son/husband down to Devon this year and my son is going away with my parents again at the end of August. As for the caravan holiday, yes it’s paid for but I’ll give it to a friend. My dad is very old school. In his mind there’s nothing wrong with my brother and he thinks it’s his responsibility to get a companion to go away with and not rely on me and hubby. Hubby is not a huge fan of sharing a holiday with his brother in law and my dad agrees with him. My hubby reckons I end up running round after everyone in my family- I’m a nurse and look after my dad etc. I also financially support parents and I look after my brother (more so than my parents). My hubby and son say I should prioritise them rather then try to keep my mum happy. Families are so tricky!!

OP posts:

TheNavigator · 08/07/2018 18:38

If you are a nurse, how can you afford to financially support your parents & pay for their holidays?

GeorgeIII · 08/07/2018 18:42

I feel exhausted just reading your last post OP. It's all too much, stop trying to fix everything. I don't think it's really working as DH, DF, and now DM are all a bit annoyed with you. Just step back and sit in the garden with MN and a glass of wine instead of going away

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2018 18:42

The issue of cancelling the holiday is irrelevant. Perhaps your husband is being a bit hard headed but you did make a deal with him. The issue is your mother. She has grossly overstepped her bounds and she sounds like a far bigger bully than your husband. She is trying to poison your relationship with your husband, which is inexcusable.

Thingsdogetbetter · 08/07/2018 18:49

You financially support your parents and they have SIX holidays a year? Am I reading that right? Wtf??
Your brother sounds extremely independent with his own house, job and regular holidays. It's not your job to fall into line cos his usual companion (do you mean carer or mate?) can't go. Have you actually spoken to him or it your mother who's saying he's upset?
I'm not bloody surprised your husband's pissed off with it all. You're organising holidays around brother and mother, while financially support your parents to have SIX holidays a year. Again WTF?!

Thymeout · 08/07/2018 18:49

The last thing you should feel is 'selfish'. What do YOU want to do? Would you enjoy the caravan holiday, or do you just feel guilted into doing it?

The problem with people saying that you do too much for x, is that often it comes from resentment that you're doing things for x instead of for them. It sounds caring, but there's an ulterior motive.

I think your DM may be worried that this sets a precedent for next year, and that's what your DH would like to happen. He sounds as if he was hoping to break a pattern, and now it's dawned on him that he hasn't.

There's obviously a bigger problem in the power struggle between DH and DM, but as far as holidays go, perhaps DH would feel better if you set a new precedent of going away with DB on your own?

Shortstuff08 · 08/07/2018 18:49

Did you tell your brother the caravan holiday wasn't happening?

I can see why your dh is fed up of all the running round you do for everyone else.

You know your dh hates holidays and made a deal. The caravan doesn't sound like it's actually much fun for you or your dh or even your ds. It seems you would all be going for your dbro to call the shots all week.

I can really see where your husband is coming from.

I think your mum is awful. Her ds doesn't live with her and she doesn't provide much care but then thinks she can demand you take him away.

I do really think you should have explained to your brother, before you went away.

Daddystepdaddy · 08/07/2018 19:34

Why didn't you tell your DM about your plans beforehand? Sounds like you need to make sure that everyone is clear about what your plans are in future.

krustykittens · 08/07/2018 20:09

I don't blame your Dh because your caravan holiday doesn't sound like much of a holiday at all! You run around after everyone and he has to do things he doesn't want to do all week because of your brother. It was exceptional circumstances this year, you had surgery, you needed time off. DB is just going to have to sort himself out and Mummy can lump it. But I would have a serious chat about these 'holidays' going forward.

incywincybitofa · 08/07/2018 22:16

To be honest it does sound a little bit like you prioritize your mum and brother over your husband and son.
Why don't you take your DS away instead of paying for your mum to do it, let him have that relaxing time with you
Why don't you save the money you give to your mum and brother for holidays etc and do something with your husband and son.
If that week in a caravan is your family holiday I'm not surprised your husband hates going away it's not actually a holiday for anyone but your brother
You must know the years seem to speed up the older children get in a few yearshe won't want to go away with you and at some point be may come to resent you for always putting your other family first
I don't mean that to sound harsh and I know you are trying to be good and do the right thing but your family deserve you relaxed and enjoying time with them on holiday

Flip