Help me

[Sidneythecam]

Hi

Please help me. I am saturated in tears. I have been crying from 15:00 yesterday. My boyfriend has ended our relationship

We had some differences - a large age gap, divorce stuff going on and religious views (his, not mine..)

Please help. I’m still in my twenties. Please tell me I deserve someone to have sex with, who will love me and be proud of me

He is my boss. My job is not at risk - he has no power to dismiss me - but he sits a few seats away. I cannot transfer nor leave. I have a mortgage and a four year old son

How can I heal? How can I heal while he’s there every single day? How do I stop myself bursting into tears?

I know deep down that this is the right thing. I was forever competing with his ex wife - it had worn me into the ground

He has sent a few messages to apologise and tell me that he loves me, and that he is sorry he cannot give me a future. I have asked him to stop, he has respected this

I can’t cope. Will the doctor help me? Can the doctor give me something to numb this? I have no idea how I’m gonna get through this

Hello Sidneythecam
I am currently going through a painful break up too so I understand the pain you're going through.
No breakup is easy and unfortunately no breakup comes without making an impact on your life. It's a good thing that you have come here to seek advice from other woman. The main thing to due during a break up is stay positive - start enjoying things that you put to one side when you entered the relationship focus on your son and maybe even find a hobby together.
Time is a great healer. Be kind to yourself, pamper yourself and make yourself feel better.
I know it sounds silly but I find comfort in being super organised and having my hair done daily 😂.
Reach out to friends and loved ones.. just think this.. by ending the relationship with him you're giving yourself space to find someone that is your Mr Right x

Sammy has given good advice...but please why on earth did you start seeing your boss? It was a disaster waiting to happen. Please learn from it and next time find someone nearer your age and not connected through work

Thank you

I can't even be a mother today. I've had to give my child to my mum for the day, I can barely hold my head up. I haven't eaten a thing since Friday. I've been throwing up. I've barely slept

I am so frightened

How can I face him in work? I will end up crying and totally humiliating myself

If he is not going to be proud of you then he is not the man for you. My husband is older than me and different religion but he was always proud and supportive of me.

You deserve better than this and you know it. Do not listen to his bullying.

Can you take a few days off to work to deal with it? Go to friends house or family?

How likely are you to find a new job ? Would it be easy?

It will get easier

Sorry you are going through this love. Realising how much my relationships affected my parenting was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me a few years ago. I can't let men upsetting me divert my attention from my dds anymore it's wrong. You need to be a Mum x

I know. I am so stupid

I work in a particular area of the civil service. I would be insane to leave the security. A transfer will take months/years

I know to heal a wound you must stop touching it

You need to use this experience to find your inner strength

I do not feel right

I don't feel well. I won't do anything to myself, but I'm so afraid of waking up tomorrow morning

This is why it's a bad idea to get romantically involved with someone in your workplace. Is there no way you can find a job elsewhere?

Focus on yourself for a while and try to let him go. Exercise can help. You can seek counseling to try to understand what went wrong, but it's not going to help how you feel in the short term.

What you are feeling now has a physiological basis, but there's not much a doctor can do:

sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/

Good luck. It will get better.

I will not make a nuisance of myself. I feel humiliated enough

Could I ask the doctor for Valium? Would that numb me? I just don't want to feel anything

Valium won’t help. You need to time to work through this in your head and move on

I was married once upon a time

The pain of this is unbelievable

I guess the pain is the mourning of the life I thought I had, and the one we would share together

If you are civil service in my day that would mean HE had breeched the Civil Service Code by having an innapropriate relationship with a junior officer. Its potentially abusive and not ok on the senior officers part.
I'd seek advice in confidence from your union rep asap about this, or read up on the regulations , just in case he starts trying to "get you moved" or other nonsense. Just to protect yourself.
And it will get better, honestly. You will feel better eventually. But avoid work place relationships where there is a direct reporting structure!

I don't think he'll be spiteful. He is sad at what he's done to us

I just wanted everything. He has had his life, his children and his best days with someone else. I understand that he let me go so I could stop mentally torturing myself

I have learned my lesson

I just need to find the strength to get through work without tears

I understand your pain, the crawling feeling of despair. I’ve just left a relationship with an older man, who was absuive. Im mentioning that he was older because SOMETIMES, not all the time, this can incur a natural power in-balance , compounded by his being your boss.
I also relate to the feeling of being in competition with his ex. I felt the same. He even called me by her name a few times.

The lesson is, you, and your child deserve to have a man around who doesn't ignite feelings of inadequacy or ‘mental torture’as you put it.
The pain is unbearable, I knew breaking up was right, but it still made me incredibly ill, I was given Valium, but only to dull me. It did help with the feeling of desperation, but that’s not to say it helps everyone. And I wasn’t ill over the breakup as an isolated incident, it was the culmination of events of absuse in the relationship.
It will be okay, you WILL feel better. It’s strenuous, but every time, or at least as much as possible , you think of the good times and your expected life, make a conscious effort to plan the life you want for you and your son, what does it look like, who is in it, where would you like to go, do you want animals, do you want to mountain bike, how are you going to get it? You can move past this, and your son needs you to.

Thank you @Wadingthroughshit

Being in her home. He hasn't decorated since she left. He still spoke of "we" and "ours" constantly. All the holidays, the experiences, he even told me how they didn't have sex on their wedding night..no need for it

That's a great word. Inadequate

I was on my own with my little one for two years before I met him. I wasn't particularly happy, I was just okay. Then we met and I was deliriously happy

He's 43. He told me he didn't want anymore children. I would have given up the chance to have another baby for his love

I probably need some sort of therapy

I stopped drinking alcohol for him

He wouldn't have sex with me before marriage

I am an utter fool. I am 28 ffs. Life on hold for what? Empty promises

So his wife left him and he wouldn't have sex with you? And he wasn't well over her? He may not be the prize you thought him to be.

Valium can be highly habit forming. Do avoid it if you can.

So sorry, most of us have been there.

He sited religious beliefs for the no sex before marriage

I respected this

He told me he was over her. I guess not. That's not his fault, I just don't know why he got involved with me

OP, I was 28 and he was 46 when we met. I have two children and was in the final year of honours. I’m now in the final month of my Masters. Both have been ruined to an extent, but I have allowed that to happen.
He told my eldest that he loved me so much and he was going to marry me, which he repeatedly told me. We took our children on holiday together, spent time with families. But ... sex was all him wanting me to sleep with other people.

The intensity tricks you,draws you in. Learn from it. You have shown yourself that you are capable of being deliriously happy, now find that again, but in yourself and not on The reliance of another person.

Some people get involved because they can.
Pp is right, steer clear of Valium as much as possible !

I was the first woman he's been near since she left. Over four years ago

I am devastated

Lightbulb moment but it hurts, it makes sense now but fuck me..I barely have a social circle left, I have lived like a hermit

Right, but the good news - you have a very solid job and are only 28. You will come back from this.

Get your feet back under you, recover for a bit and march on. This is a bit hokey but has some good suggestions nonetheless.

health.usnews.com/health-news/articles/2012/03/22/8-steps-to-mend-a-broken-heart

You can rebuild your social circle and find a man at the same stage of life and with similar goals. I did it at 36 and have been happily married for 21 years with two great kids and a lovely DH.

You will be fine as long as you learn from all this. The pain will fade.