Worried about DH driving long distance week before due..

[CrunchingIceCubes]

DH's ds is coming to stay with us and leaves 5 days before baby is due.

We live in southern England but he needs to drive him home to Cumbria.

I'm getting really worried about him being so far away with no way of getting back quickly.

We have 2 other DC who can be looked after by my mum but I'll have no way of getting to hospital. I'm high risk due to bleeding factor and just really anxious that he won't be here.

Can you get a taxi to the hospital if you have to? He should be there and back in two days so it should be ok.

Yes I could get a taxi but would really like him to be there.

Our last child was born after an hour and a half of established labour so the timing and fact I'm high risk does worry me.

I have precipitate labours and a history of antepartum haemorrhage too, so I really understand the worry.

Some options : could another family member (uncle? your mum?) do the drive for you this once? Could DS’s mum do some or all of it, would offering to pay costs help? Is DS old enough to travel part way by train?

Otherwise I would tell myself that odds are he will be back in plenty of time and you will be hot and overdue two weeks later and wondering why you worried!

You can always see if you feel things might be kicking off before he leaves (braxton hicks, lightning pains, etc) and in the worst case scenario he can just stay and something will be figured out in an emergency.

Thank you.

I suppose what I'm asking is would I be unreasonable to ask him to either arrange for someone to collect him or cancel the visit.

He's coming for 10 days, then home for a week and back for 10 days so it's going to be a very busy time. The week in between DH is going to be working every hour god sends.

I'm just very anxious.

It's a bit unreasonable to cancel it unless he can see his son just for the first ten days or can he stay for longer?

Yes the first visit is fine I'm just worried about the second one. Perhaps I could ask whether he'll extend the first, that sounds like a good idea.

Well I've broached the subject with him sensitively, asking if someone can collect his son as I'm very anxious him going away.

He's got quite cross and told me there's no chance the baby will arrive on that day and that he's done everything he can to 'appease me'. His DS was due to come later and my due date was bang in the middle of his 10 day visit so he's moved it forward. I'm really pissed off with him right now.

He doesn't sound very supportive but then you perhaps are over-anxious. If he's not there then you can still physically get to hospital in a taxi and he can either turn around or be on his way back anyway. Do you have any close friends you could ask to go with you if he's not there?

Would it be possible to go up in the car with him, take lots of pillows for comfort and have your bag in the car ready? Could your mum babysit your other dc? That way if labour starts you could go to the nearest hospital together?

Just a thought and I could be completely off base here, but could you discuss with your midwife and ask if you could be induced? As high risk due to risk of bleeding and your last labour being quick you could discuss your concern about the time it's likely to take you to get to the hospital. This would then give you more of an idea of "when" rather than "if" and you can plan around it. Of course this might not be something you want for many reasons.

The only reason I suggest it is because I've been offered an induction because my previous 2 pregnancies have been very late and I'm suffering with very bad pgp and sciatica and struggling. Midwife said it would be better for me and current children to get baby out at 40 weeks. Although I'm personally still debating.

Thank you for all your suggestions

I've basically said to him if he's not there he's not there. I can't think of anyone else I'd want there so would be on my own but I'm sure midwives would be extra kind in that situation!

Honestly, I think you’re being a bit passive aggressive. You said in one of your posts about asking him to possibly cancel the visit which really isn’t reasonable but you had obviously been thinking about it. You’re over reacting to be honest. Your DH is entitled to see his DS and you have enough time to make a backup plan in case he isn’t around when you go into labour. You’ve then been passive aggressive again by doing the “I don’t want anybody else” thing. You’ll have midwives so why not just include a trusted friend or family member to be there until your DH returns. He’s not going to Alaska. It’s just another part of the UK! Honestly, it sounds like you’ve got resentment towards the DS and you’re using this to try and bully your DH over it.

That was unkind of your DH. Can understand your concerns.

Is there anyone else who could be your birth partner if you go into labour while DH is driving?

It’s not “passive aggressive” to not want anyone other than DH. There seems a real risk that OP’s H could be many hours away when OP has a history of fast labour, and has additional risks.

I genuinely don't have anyone I'd feel comfortable asking to be there, especially considering the friends I do have work full time or have young DC of their own.

His family live up north and mine will be looking after our DC, not that I would want any of them there anyway. I would rather be on my own than have anyone other than him there, obviously I really want him there though!

How old is DS? Could he get a train?

Your H is ridiculous to say there is “no chance” the baby will arrive only 5 days before the due date.

Could a member of his family travel down from the north to escort DS home to Cumbria by train?

So he's already rearranged the visit to accommodate your due date? He has to see his son.
I'm sure he feels worried about it too but there's nothing he can do. He's assuming that on the balance of probabilities everything will be fine.

These situations are so tricky because of course he needs to see his son.l, and telling a child they can't see their dad as planned because he's having a baby with someone else really isn't a good way to deal with the problem.

Can his son not stay later and be there over your due date? And then he can be looked after by your mum while you and DH are at the hospital? Or is he told enough to get the train? Or can DH appeal to his ex's good nature and ask her to collect him if he pays her petrol?

I gave birth to my first alone 2 weeks before due date. DH was away.luckily all went ok It still rankles many years later.
Your partner should be there for you at this time and should make alternative arrangements.

Thanks. His ds is 5 so can't travel alone and Dh hasn't asked anyone whether they can collect him.

I guess he feels it is a big ask as they'll likely come down soon to meet the new baby and it's a long journey to do twice for his elderly parents or siblings who work full time and have young dc.

Our twins are 18 months so don't really want to overload my parents while in hospital, I think they'll struggle as it is.

His ex would definitely not do the journey. They don't get on. She brought his DS down a few months into pregnancy with flu a few days before I was due to have the jab and I ended up having to take tamiflu as got very ill.

I wanted to point out that his DS will be with us for 10 days, then home for a week or so then back down so he will see him. To me the obvious thing to do would be to extend the first visit.

He has apologised and said he just got defensive.