Helping a lonely friend

[SummerWinter]

I'm wondering - WWYD?

Whenever I see a male friend of mine, he tells me he is lonely. We often have these sorts of conversations so it's not terribly unusual in itself, nor surprising as he's terminally single due to his own issues (more of that below) and doesn't seem terribly happygenerally. Last time I saw him he said he's very socially isolated (his words).

I never know what to do and say though for the following reasons:

• We were once very close, I wanted more, he didn't.
• He then treated me really badly, using me for support etc, essentially dropping me when he got involved with another girl (that it didn't work out with)
• I have a full social life and am happy with a partner.
• We're friends, but he's so all over the show I wouldn't consider him to be a good friend to me if I needed it. I don't see him terribly often, usually through circumstance.

I find this situation hard. I have other friends who have also told me they are lonely, and I will check up on them regularly/arrange to spend more time with them.

But with this friend I'm scared he'll think I fancy him again and am worried about being used. Yet, I believe him when he says he's socially isolated so worry as well. I never know what to say when he tells me he's lonely as there is something so sad about that.

WWYD? I think I already know but interested in advice anyway

He treated you badly when he had everything and now he has nothing, he's trying to get your sympathy and companionship. In my opinion he doesn't value you. So don't take on his issues and be a hi and bye kinda acquaintance.

I've had friends in this position and it's a difficult one. Is he local or distance?

Snuggy he's local.

KRA do you think it’s that deliberate? I just can’t tell

His loneliness is his responsibility.

If you want to keep him company or check up on him that’s fine - but only if you truly want to! It’s your responsibility to look out for you, so if it’s making you uncomfortable or you’re giving more than you want to, then stop. It sounds like some of what you’re doing is making you uncomfortable so listen out for your feelings.

You don’t need to say anything when someone says they’re lonely. Just being there and listening is enough and that can be more cathartic than attempting to do things. You could say something like ‘I hear you’, ‘that sounds tough’, ‘I’m sorry you’re going through that’ etc - it lets them know you’re listening but you’re not taking on the responsibility for their feelings then and you keep yourself intact.

I'd just try and include him where you can in a group setting and maybe not expect too much if he has a tendency to be flaky.

Mine live away so it's easier to put up distance when needed.

I don't think it's deliberate. But I think if the tables were turned, he wouldn't be there for you. I've been in those situations before, more than once and I've always gone out of my way to help them. Only to find out that they weren't worth my efforts. Hence my possibly heartless response. Think of your own well being