Can’t see any future now

[Likeapuppet]

Dh and I have been together 15 yrs, married 5

We have 2 young dcs (1 & 2 1/2)

Our relationship has always been tumultuous and he has been abusive physically (in the past) and emotionally although we’ve always worked through things.

I feel like I’m constantly criticised, pulled apart and gaslighted when I stand up for myself. For example, we got up yesterday and he told me I didn’t have the luxury of spending ‘so long’ getting ready now that we have children (for context, it was dc1 birthday party that day and I had had a quick shower, joined by both kids, then dried my hair and was straightening it - all within half hour and I was doing this whilst watching both children in the bedroom with dh who was in bed!). I always end up doing my make up in the lounge, again whilst watching them whilst dh gets ready). Whenever I stand up to him for being over critical/unreasonable, I then get told that I’m setting a terrible example to the children because I’ve then argued with dh and that I’m damaging them.

He told me last night that he doesn’t know how he feels about me and us anymore. He has repeatedly told me I make him miserable that he no longer loves me, that he does love me but I’ve got to change, that I’m argumentative and opinionated (I am but mainly defending myself), and yet never admits any fault on his part or tries to improve anything. Historically and less often now, i have run around trying to please him and make him happy and improve our relationship but I have loved him less and less and less over the years. There are only so many times a person can rip you to shreds and be forgiven before it all mounts up into a huge pool of resentment. Sadly I no longer love him like I used to.

I am irritable and defensive with him but honestly I am put down so often and in so many ways that my default position is defence with him now. I get criticised for being lazy in the house (im not, I’m a sahm with no support and do my absolute best keeping a clean home etc). I get told off for doing things wrong ie, I clean the tv but it has a smear so he huffs and redos it.

He can be lovely, really lovely and that’s why I’ve stuck around and that’s why I married him and had children.

I’m secretly wishing I left years and years ago and then I feel absolutely awful as I’d not have dcs if I had have done that.

I feel trapped. I’ve NO SUPPORT at all. No family, nothing. I’ve got friends but no family and nowhere to go if I leave him. I’m not working as looking after dcs day in, day out on my own. Dh is good with the kids but I just don’t know how I can go on like this.

My inlaws are passive aggressive, controlling and make me feel shit.

It’s flashed through my mind recently that the only way of getting out of this is for either something to happen to him or me and neither of those things are going to happen. I don’t want them to either.

I just feel terribly sad and disillusioned and like I’ve wasted my best years with someone who didn’t deserve to have me. I feel cheated into having children with someone who I now wish I’d never stayed with, let alone had children with.

I put on a brave face and no one would know how utterly miserable and sad and empty I feel, or how resentful and angry I feel towards dh for the year upon year of abusive behaviour. Everyone loves dh, he puts so much work into being Mr Likeable. Actually, witnessing all the effort he puts in to having everyone around him love him over our 15 yrs together, whilst being Mr Hyde at home with me, is when the penny finally dropped that his behaviour is abusive. He is rude to me in front on my PIL and they passive aggressively join in with making me feel undermined and disliked. I’ve reached a stage now where I know I have no one in my corner and I know I’m being abused. Ask my dh and I’m the one with the problem....obviously

I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve never felt so hopeless and unhappy in my life

Can you call womens aid? They'll be able to give you practical advice about leaving him

• I’ve suggested counselling many times but he doesn’t see this as his problem and isn’t interested. I realise now that of course he doesn’t want to ‘fix’ anything because he won’t want anyone (counsellor included) to be told about his behaviour over the years and also because he has absolutely no intention or interest in changing his ways.

It’s always me and always has been me that’s tried. I feel like an exhausted puppy trying to please it’s master and I just can’t live that way anymore

Thanks Shox. I did, several months ago. They listened and said he was abusing me and his behaviour wasn’t normal (at the time I was unsure if he was abusive, which I now feel very stupid about).

They listened and were lovely but no practical support re leaving

Just pack his bags and show him the door.
No way should anyone put up with that. You are being taken for granted and so are your children. Clearly you would be happier without him in the long term.

Monty, I wish I could. He won’t leave and I can’t make him - it’s a jointly mortgaged house that we own and I have no income. I’ve looked into benefits and as he wouldn’t leave Id get nothing. If I leave I’d end up in a refuge with 2 young dcs and it wouldnt be fair on them. I feel like I’ve got to take the hit to not disrupt them, one of the many reasons I feel so hopeless

Can you see a solicitor this week for a free consultation? If you can access joint money then you can start moving towards a divorce

But yes, I realise I’d be happier without him than I believe he would be without me.

He’d just find a replacement tbh, wouldn’t be hard as he is genuinely very charming and like Prince Charming. He puts so much effort into his relationships with everyone else to ensure he is loved and liked. I’ve spent years trying to improve myself to try to get myself ‘worthy’ of the same treatment (its so upsetting to put someone first and watch them be so lovely to everyone else whilst simultaneously being so cruel to you, and of course I blamed myself and tried to fix it and make myself better....but I’d never be good enough enough. I realise now that Im never going to be good enough for him, that’s the point. He enjoys criticising me and putting me down. Makes him feel better for some reason. Things have gotten worse with us since I’ve stopped trying to appease him and since I’ve realised that it’s one way traffic and he isn’t going to change because he doesn’t want to).

Shox, thank you x

I’ve taken advice from a sol for free and they told me that it will cost thousands to divorce (I have no money, no savings, nothing).

I don’t have access to our alleged ‘joint’ funds as he has considered all money to be his since I’ve been a sahm. I get a weekly amount to cover food and clothing for the children but have no access to the bank accounts. The only one in joint names is one where he sends money to for the bills to come out of, it simply covers those and no more. He has his own account where all the rest of the money goes to and I have no access to any of them)

I’ve realised that I’ve been screwed over in that way too

Have a look at

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse

www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/support-for-women/planning-to-leave/

I think your only option is to go to a refuge. I know it's not ideal and your children will be disrupted but in the long run its probably the best option

Likeapuppet - Are you sure that you have nowhere to go? You mentioned no family, but what about friends? I know that I would rather have my kids on airbeds in our bedroom and make room for a friend (any friend - not necessarily a close one) who needed to leave an abusive relationship with her kids, than ever see them in a refuge. I couldn't financially support extra mouths to feed for long, but long enough to allow them to sort out whatever is needed to get a more permanent place and sort out benefits, etc. I'm not saying that you should leave. You and your kids should be staying put and your abusive husband should be the one to leave the home. But I just mean that you shouldn't discount the potential for support from friends if worst comes to worst.

You say at the beginning of your op that ‘we always worked through things’. I doubt that’s true - it’s more likely you changed.

It does not matter how much you change he will not respect you and will not change. He is violent, emotionally and financially abusive. He is not a good father - good fathers treat the child’s mother a person, they respect them and see them as an equal.

The pils are awful too, so I guess he may have grown up witnessing similar. You need to get out before your kids end up the same. His damage is not your problem, only he can choose to change but he’s happy been a dick - that’s the real him.

Have you attended counselling alone?

Contact women’s aid again and ask for help to leave.

The thousands the divorce will cost are usually taken out of the equity of the house. Greedy man would prefer to keep this money to himself. He will witter on about ‘taking the kids money’. But there is no guarantee it will go to the kids in the end, especially if he remarrys, so don’t fall for his codswallap. You need to fight for every penny you are entitled to take legally. Your husband won’t give you true equal access to funds whilst you are together he is unlikely to help when you are not together.

Read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that. You dh doesn’t deserve you but despite how much he hates you he won’t want you to go. He enjoys being a nasty person.

He is tearing you apart, mentally and emotionally, and reducing you to the level of a minor by controlling all the family income.

Go back to Women's Aid.

Do the Freedom Programme.

Ask WA for a referral to /recommendation of a solicitor.

You are married, so in the course of divorce proceedings your H will have to disclose income, money in bank account, assets. You will be entitled to a share of the equity in the family home, or to stay living there. How long have you been living in the family home? Did you contribute to the down payment or to mortgage payments prior to becoming a SAHM?

Your children are growing up in a toxic atmosphere. In no time at all, they will start reflecting their understanding of the power games that your H is playing. They will be horribly affected.
A shelter would be a far better place for them.

In the meantime, try to find out his income, and estimate expenses (an average - you can use the coming month to figure this out, with normal spending/bills/mortgage). You will end up with an idea of how much is going into his account.

How many years have you been out of the workforce?

The ultimate aim of the abuser is to make the victim believe she has no option but to stay and be hammered. Reading over your posts, it is clear that you are close to despair. Please take courage in the support you will find here, and also believe that there are actually possibilities for you here.

And don't worry about him finding someone else. You will be well rid.

A former SIL of mine divorced her first H, whose behaviour was very similar to your H's - exSIL got an ulcer from stress - and he went on to marry and divorce four more times in fifteen years. Meanwhile, exSIL is still married to exBIL, very happily, with a happy blended family..

There will be a solution, the first step is acknowledging the problem.

Women often feel hopeless but one small step leads to another.

What equity is in the house? How much does he earn, even if approx?

Is there no family at all? Fortunately your children are small so no need to worry about schools should you need to move.

Some solicitors will often take their fees once a settlement is done so you don't need to pay upfront.
Talk to WA as they know solicitors with experience in abuse.Talk to shelter as well for any housing options.

Please don't despair there will be a way one step at a time. You will be entitled to at least 50% of joint assets and at some point will be able to start earning again. I know it's horrible to have had your supposed loving partner treat you like this, but be strong and make a new life. He will find another victim, you have seen his true colours so please escape he won't change

I think you need to get some real life support around you too, this will help in whatever decision you make - you have little DCs so maybe contact your local Children's Centre tomorrow and see if they have any groups or someone you can talk to? I used to work in one and now I use their services and attend a group for women like in your situation.
Wishing you the best.

Thank you so much everyone. I do feel close to the edge and sometimes it just gets too much.

My pil are just like him. No ownership of their behaviour and work very very hard to be liked and loved by everyone and then are vile to their victim (in this case I’m the ‘lucky one’)

Mil in particular hates me as she must be centre of the universe at all times. My husband may as well partner up with a blow up doll - no one with a personality or who won’t allow mil to take over and constantly meddle and interfere (especially with the kids and in the relationship) simply won’t do.

They are a toxic wolf family in cute little bunny clothing.

Well, I can see through it.

He sounds exactly like one of my exes !! No one could believe I'd broken up with him ! "He's such a nice guy " yeh he is to everyone else , used to fall over himself to help any one which made it hurt so much more that the one person who he should have wanted to bend over backward for he treat with absolute contempt .

I know it's harder for you than it was for me at the time with the dc and not working etc but you need to leave

I promise you that this is not your fault , you are being gas lighted ( everything was always my fault too , you strangle me over a petty row and I'm the one in the wrong erm ok?!?!)

I also promise that when you do break free it may be hard for a while but you will feel like a new person !! And your life will be 100 percent better !!!!

Seriously a refuge and life away from him will be so much better

OP I'm so sorry, it's a bad situation right now but it won't always be this way. You can get out. It might be hard, it might take a while but it can happen.

Start getting things documented with women's aid, GP etc. See a solicitor (some do first consultation free) and start gathering your documents incl passports, birth certificates etc and keep in a safe place away from the home.

When you have knowledge you have power. Power to decide how to leave, power to go through a divorce and get you and your children into a happier life. Many of us have done it or are still in the process. Start imagining a happier life without him - it will help you get through

Hi OP, he sounds terrible. I’m in a similar situation, just posting so you know you are not alone.

Thank you so much all x x

Anotheridiot, so sorry that it’s the same for you. It’s crap isn’t it 💐 x x