My DM lives rent free in a house I own

[sneezyweasle]

Name changed.

Years ago my DM returned W from years living abroad, with no savings and no job and nowhere to live. My DF has left her some 15 years prior.

My DP and I needed a nanny so we suggested I buy a house near by and employ her properly ie tax and NI as our nanny, which we did. Tiny house cost 70k, it is the only property I own. She paid no rent.

DP has huge house where we lived with our DC. We verbally promised she could live in the house rent free when no longer looking after our Dc.

All fine until DP and I split. I now want to buy a home for myself - DC are 20 ish and our family home is their home but they are there less and less (uni).

My DM (who I love) is living rent free in a house now valued at 200K. Her income is modest - about 15k. My income is about 70k.

I want/need a place of my own. If I sold the house I'd have about 150k deposit and could get a nice place for me. But she will be homeless. I can afford to rent a nice place but I want security of my own home.

If I charged her rent she'd be broke - it would rent at about 700 pcm.

My Df left her for another woman and is a selfish but likeable man. My DM and he sold our family home years ago for fuck all and she got half - that is her pension pot now. She is mid 70s.

What should I do?

I so want to buy a home for me (no way would l live with her!!) but don't want to make her homeless.

Any advice? Views?

Peoples circumstances change all the time and not always for the better.
You DM has been extremely fortunate over the past number of years coming back from abroad with nothing and you providing her with work and accommodation.
As another pp said your DM should be already thinking about standing on her own 2 feet now.
She could rent a apartment from an housing association and receive housing benefit. She could not receive housing benefit for a property owned by you.
You have been more than fair with her IMO but at the end of the day your situation has changed and she should be open to discussions about alternative living arrangements.
IME I ended up losing me career and home due to serious health problems and I just had to be realistic and rent a housing association ground floor apartment(which is lovely) but my dreams of retiring to a warmer climate are just that now as too ill.
It never occurred to me that my children needed to provide me with a home rent free.
But on the other hand I would be so proud and grateful to have a daughter like you who has done so much for your mum

Wah butterfly I have to say that's balm for my rather sore spirit!
Thank you

I don't own the family house, that is ExPs and our DC live there with him when not at uni. He will never sell it. No mortgage on it either (never has been). He also has a rental property and will inherit (shortly, sadly) 6 figure cash.

My DM has about 100k in her pension and works (she's vv young for mid 70s) as a district councillor hence gets iro 15k salary plus her pension I guess she earns about 20k total.

The more I think about it the more I realise I do need to talk frankly with her. Bugger.

I can't buy a cheaper place than where she is now - SE and her house is already tiny!

Have you seen a solicitor? You have brought up two children and contributed to the running of a home for the past 20 years and you are walking away without anything?

I recommend that you see a solicitor. Maybe that assurance you gave her is legally binding. Check it out just to be sure. I know nothing about the law but is there any chance that she would have a right to stay in the house?

If your ex is the children's father has he paid for them? Check your rights with your solicitor. Don't put this off!

After twenty years you shouldn't be walking away with nothing. If it's as amicable as you say, why isn't your ex at least making you an offer? Have you told him that your current situation means that you may have to make some difficult choices about your mother?

I second seeing a solicitor. In her 70s and still working? Your mum shouldn't have to leave her home of many years, but then you shouldn't have to rent because you can't afford to buy.

You made your promise to your DM in the context of being secure in your relationship with your DP. It wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that now your circumstances have changed then your mother's might have to change also. Her 20k incom is more than a lot of people earn and they don't live rent-free! It's not for you to pay for your DF and DM's life choices.

Is it the case that you are walking away from your relationship with nothing? Why?

You earn £70k, and your kids are all grown-up; so why can’t you just get a mortgage? Or are you too close to retirement age? If so, have a word with a mortgage broker: you should still be able to get a decent-sized loan on £70k, especially if you’re in an area where houses cost £200k (like the one your DM lives in).

Or is the problem that you want a bigger house and/or nicer area?

Get legal advice you seem to say you get on well with your ex but that fact is for years you presumably paid for the house and now you get nothing?

It seems your ex is your children's father.

Am I right in thinking your mother provided childcare and you paid 70k for her home in recompense? And XP didn't contribute anything?

It seems he should be providing you with some kind of financial settlement for this, even if unmarried. It was a childcare solution that benefited the family when you were together but has left you at a loss now you have split

It sounds tough though, good luck getting it resolved!

I'd say that the £70k for the house was in lieu of earnings for 10 years or more of childcare. Payment in advance. It should be considered to be your DM's house now.

If you'd been married then you'd have been entitled to a share of the family home. That would have given you a deposit and £70k per year should get you a mortgage. Of course your exP is amicable. It's a win win for him. Got the status quo minus you. Too late now though.

No, you can't turf your mum out of her house and go against your agreement. It's not her fault so why should she suffer? £70k pa should surely cover rent on something.

To the last two posters - I think OP also paid her mum for the nannying; from their op:

My DP and I needed a nanny so we suggested I buy a house near by and employ her properly ie tax and NI as our nanny, which we did

I agree with other posters OP, I think you need to be involving your ex here. If you hadn't happened to buy the house for your mum what on earth would you be expected to do now?! You contributed to the household for years and should see something back.

I assume the DC are yours and your former DPs. In that case was the promise to your DM not made jointly? Would your Ex DP consider giving you £100k (from his inheritance) and then you share the house your DM lives in and you have a good deposit to buy a house for you.

DC are my ex's yes.

I can't live in the house my mum is in = single bedroom.

I did just ask ex today, whether he'd give me 100K and call it quits - he says he isn't sure and will think about it - he offered to buy in with me for a house for me, but I don't want him having any say in my house.

I'm late 50s (my mum had me vv early) so getting mortgage is difficult especially as i pay the mortgage on my DM's house, small though that amount is. But have no deposit, without some cash injection.

I think I will see a solicitor: my ex has assets iro 2 Mill, plus future cash inheritance. Someone earlier pointed out the parallel of my being done over by my ex in the way my DM was done over by my DF - all in the name of 'being nice'.

Could Ex buy DM Home and continue to let her live in it rent free/very cheaply? So he gains an asset and you have the £ to buy without his involvement?

You both need to talk, you promised in good faith when you didn’t have to pay full rent or mortgage on your own.

If your mum lives to be 100 she will be living in house rent free, mortgage paid by you. And you will be early 80s and still having work full time to pay your own rent? If you own the house you will get into problems if you need to claim benefit to top up your rent as you will own this huge assets even if you don’t live there. On paper you will have all the capital. Ditto if you have a stroke or something you need care the house will sold to pay for your care if it’s on paper your assets.

Yes see a solicitor but if not your ex buying your mum a house to live in sounds like a good option. It'll still be his.

Why in God's name would you walk away from a 20 year relationship and not find out what you were entitled to?? Heavens woman!

Last time I checked you couldn't claim housing benefit if the landlord is a close family member. I think you need to come to a decesion with your mum. If you do evict her she may be eligible for sheltered social housing.

Then mum could claim housing benefit.

Go to a mortgage adviser. A proper independent one that looks at whole of market. You should be able to borrow against the house you own in order to take out a mortgage on a second one.

Arrgh why on earth didn't you marry your ex at the time? All those people on here who say "A marriage licence is just a bit of paper" should read this thread.

I’d do what other posters have suggested, either buy another house and live with her, you could extend the mortgage if she would pay you a small amount if rent. This should be taken into context nsoderation by the mortgage company as additional income.

Or, you sell up and buy two smaller houses, again would she consider paying you a small amount of rent to assist you?

Hopefully your ex will give you the 100k, it’s worth having a frank conversation with him as he was involved in the decision which you are now having to honour.

Yes stop being nice he knows you deserve something put you and your mum first