Should I stay or should I go now?

[Porkchop13]

I'm so confused I don't know what to do!! We moved abroad last August so dh could be closer to his 2 children from a previous marriage. I was pregnant at the time we moved and my visa did not allow access to medical services so I returned home to my family in Australia for ds birth. Dh left us 36 hours after a very traumatic birth. I stayed with my family for 3 months until ds was able to fly back to the uk. During this time dh never came back to Australia to see us. As he was travelling for work then returned to see his 2 other children for 7 weeks!!! We are now back in the U.K. where we previously lived and he has brought his kids from abroad to stay for 3 weeks! They were here when ds and I arrived back and are staying for 3 weeks. I feel so neglected, frustrated and taken for granted!! I've done everything for ds since the day he was born. Now we are back together he is spending all his time entertaining the older 2 kids. They have never been to stay with us in the uk before as there mother wouldn't let them....I'm left wondering why I bothered coming back!! I know I can raise ds alone as I have coped for the past 3 months. Should I go or stay??

I think the fact he left so soon after the birth says it all really. Sorry this is happening to you

I'm confused. Where are you planning on living? How long have you been together in the past 12 months and would it have been possible to be together for longer? What's the situation with his dc. Is he going back abroad with them?

He sounds very selfish and does not value you at all. He’s given you zero support at an incredibly difficult and emotional time... I’d go home to be around family..

Sounds like he has massive guilt about the new baby and is trying to make it up to his other DCs, but in doing so is going completely the other way.

He has some serious issues to sort out here and I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself out to enable his shitty behaviour any more. Move back to be near your parents and let him figure out his priorities - if he’s going to sire children all over the fucking world let him work out how he gets to spend time with them without neglecting you.

I know it's a very confusing situation! The plan is to still move abroad to where his children are but we are now in London for his work and waiting for a permanent visa for myself

We've been together 7 months in the past year

His dc live abroad with their mother

If it wasn't a massive flight with a baby I'd be back in Australia now!!!!!

I know it loos really hard at this stage but, if there is no back story, I would not leave over this. Have you talked to him as to how you feel right now and how these feelings are building up? Once you have had this discussion, then you can see how you feel. Even then, I will say you wait till the children are gone. Then see how it affects his behaviour and focus. That will be telling.
how old are his older children? How long has he neglected them?

So you're together now and his dc will be leaving in 3 weeks? And at some point hopefully soonish your visa will come through and you'll be able to move to his dc's country?

I think there's two issues at play here. First the amount of time dh devotes to you and your son. I would think you'll get a much better idea of his commitment once his older dc have gone.
But I also suspect that you are apprehensive anyway about a move to another country. Will you have a support network there?

Confused by the back story. How old are the two children? Is this their first time in a different country and away from their mother? What kind of custodery arrangement is in place for them?
Is it possible that hes focused on them simply because he is the only one they have over here while he knows you can take care of the baby?

That he's committed to his other children is a good thing. The timing seems unfortunate but it depends what control he had over it, really.

It's a strange setup and it really depends on how much of this he could have realistically done differently.

I suppose instead of spending 7 weeks with his DC he could have spent 3 or 4 and the rest of the time with his newborn. But he didn't.

I'd be wondering where I (and my baby) fit in.

Thank you all for your messages. DC are 12 and 9 and this is their first time to England, dh has joint custody and prior to moving to there home country he would go there and have them for 12 days every 6 weeks. So yes he is a good devoted father to them. I guess I am just wondering how our ds and I fit in. I will not make any decisions yet, will wait and see if the situation drastically improves......

Has he deliberately timed his older dcs' visit to coincide with your arrival so they can get to know their baby brother? I can understand why you'd feel hurt that he's not concentrating exclusively on you and his 3rd child but you'll have all his attention when they go back to their dm and he has to consider their feelings, too.

You were together only 7 months before you got pregnant? And then separated for 3 months after your son was born? Sounds like a very odd arrangement. It sounds like he had commitments that side of the equator, so surely you knew that would be an issue when you got pregnant.

As for the issue of accessing health services, surely you could have jointly considered private care. Giving birth is not that expensive, at least not when you compare it to the cost of flying to the other sound of the continent.

Have you even met his kids before? Of course he is going to give his children time and attention if he won't see them for weeks after these three weeks. You can then have him for yourself and your son.

Your relationship sounds quite dysfunctional with issues in terms of communication.

Okay well underatandbly he is going to give him attention its not like rhey are old enough for him to send them off with a map of where you live and hope for the best.
Have you ever thought about it in terms of where they fit into your family unit as opposed to making it into a them and us situation. Thinking that way will only set you up in the role of wicked stepmother

No we are married and have been in a relationship for 6 years we have been trying to have a baby for 3 years so this isn't something I've rushed into

Thank you all for your comments. They have helped me to see the situation from another perspective and I appreciate that

I think you need to have a proper conversation with your husband about how you think your life and future will look.

This sounds awful. It doesn’t seem fair at all and you shouldn’t have to put up with this. It’s awful and shameful he wasn’t there for the birth or at least after. I’m sorry this is happening to you. If you get the support back home then maybe think about which life would make you more happy.