Can couples counselling save a marriage?

[Torn18]

Has anyone any experience of couples counselling? I feel totally done and fed up. It's been on my mind for 2 years now and I'm getting so fed up feeling angry at oh all the time. We've been together 13yrs, married 7 and have a 5yo and 2yo. He's a fantastic dad to them as long as they're happy but he just can't deal with them getting upset and loses patience so quickly if they're having a 'tantrum' and ends up getting frustrated and shouting or just talking to them in an aggressive tone and shaming them. I try so hard to be a gentle parent but I feel like the kids must be getting so confused with our different approaches and I worry how it affects them. I've tried in the past to explain but it's just met with an eye roll. He's a caring husband but I feel like we have nothing in common, we have no shared interests at all really and don't talk about anything other than mundane day to day stuff. I don't bother talking about stuff that's important to me as he just doesn't get it and usually dismissed. It's lonely. Other than pecks and short hugs every now and again, physical relationship is non existent (he'd be happy with more but I'm just not interested really). The thought of separating breaks my heart but mainly because of the effects on the kids as I can't bear the thought of them coming from a 'broken home'. We don't argue but I'm sure they must sense that we're not really communicating. I feel like respect is gone. Part of me wants to save the marriage, especially for the kids, but I don't want to upset hubby either as I think he'd be heartbroken too. I’m going to see a counsellor alone but wondering if couples counselling would be worth trying but would be keen to hear others experiences? I’ve no idea how I’d even bring up the subject as I have real difficulties talking about stuff like that 😒 Sorry for the long post xx

I think both parties have to be committed to trying to make things better and be prepared to put in the work to do so. It definitely is not a good idea if one party is controlling or violent.

Have heard emotion focused therapy is good
Book is : Sue Johnson Hold Me Tight

Depends on how open you both are to change within yourself and compromise.
It also requires both parties to accept the other person for who they are.

The right couples counsellor can work miracles. You might need to see a few though, to get the right fit for you both and someone who uses the right approach. Dont discount them for being old, young, male or female. Get recommendations if you can. It’s never ever a waste of time or money in my opinion. How can you say to your kids (when they are older) that you did your best for them, if you didn’t even try counselling? It’s gotta be done.

I’ve been in your position. While there’s almost nothing I wouldn’t sacrifice (of my own happiness) to keep the family together, the clincher for me is that I just can’t bear the thought of the inevitable access visits my kid would have my H. As long as I’m around, I can mitigate the damage. Who knows what I’d be exposing them too, with him alone. He’s not abusive or horrible, just not as good a parent as I would want. I would blame myself, even if that’s irrational.

Also, your kids are still in the ‘hard’ little years. It may be that as they gain more independence, your H will be less stressed and your relationship may improve? Good luck to you.

Meant to add, you don’t necessarily need to ‘bring it up’ with him. Just find someone, make an appointment and give him the details. Say only that you think it’s important that your relationship get professional help, for your kids sakes.

If he doesn’t turn up, I guess that’s an answer in itself.

Hi
I could have written this post! Im in a very similiar situation. We had couples counselling in the past it didnt work for us - she very much sided with my dh, gave me parenting advice etc. Sorry thats not very helpful. If we were to try counselling i'd get recomendations if i could...im currently trying to get the confidence to leave.
Best wishes, i hope everything works for you.

Be prepared for things to get worse during therapy and in between sessions.

Ask the therapist upfront what her methods and approaches are. Ask what how long does it typically take (and how much it will cost you).

I would interview several therapists on my own first.

Finally if one of you feels the therapist is against him or her it can be fatal to the relationship.