Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

im terrified of him,why cant i leave.

20 replies

kristrose · 07/07/2018 20:13

i feel like an attention seeker when i tell people whats been going on but i feel lonely and i need someones advice who i don't know.

me and my mum are originally from florida moved to the uk,her husband over here cheated she moved back. i stayed,long story short ive been over here on my own for 3 years. i met my kids father two years ago.

hes always been jealous,when we first got together and if i made plans with someone hed kick off i thought it was cute in the begging cause someone wanted to spend time with me. that all just escalated. he went from just getting jealous,to name calling and blanking me infront of his family. not speaking to me for days. i got pregnant the first week i was with him so when i was pregnant on my first child we spent the time getting to know each other. i started seeing how much of a bully he is,when we go over to his sisters he starts bullying her boyfriend whos older then him but a very skinny and short boy so my boyfriend knows he can dominate him. hes a very controlling boy. his mum would even tell me hes controlling and she knows he stops me going out.

im sorry im rambiling on i hope im making some sort of sense.

before i met him i was a party girl,made a lot of mistakes,ive been with some of his friends way before me and him even got together. but i get punished for that,if me and him are out and we see someone ive been with hell call me horrible names,and wont speak to me for days. whenever we go out i can never enjoy what were doing cause i have to deal with him kicking off cause i show my bum off (i wear skinny jeans),he doesn't like me walking behind him. i gotta constantly be on egg shells because i think were gonna bump into someone from the past.

when i gave birth to our lg i had to have a ventouse delivery and needed a male doctor to do the procedure. he kicks off over that. he says i like having men fingering me,and i wanted a male doctor. he makes me feel horrible i thought hed be happy me and the and baby were safe but no. im currently pregnant on our second and he says if i don't push this one out hes gonna walk out.

during this pregnancy hes started hitting me. a couple of weeks ago me and him argued for a couple of days. in the night he said he was on tinder so i slept down stairs, in the morning he sat across from me turned his phone screen towards me and was swipping loads of girls,i lost my head. i got upset and felt hurt. heres the boy who constantly tells me im fat,ugly,slut and i smell on a dating app while under my roof and whilst im pregnant with his son. i screamed at him,i went to throw something at him but i didn't, i went upstairs and packed his stuff brought the suitcase down and i said something to him as i walked past he slapped me in the face witch cause me to fall and gave me a black eye. hes gave me two black eyes whilst ive been pregnant. i was holding our lg and he strangled me and was slapping me before. im so scared of him,something in him has changed. if i say one thing hell snap and hit me. he told me it was my fault he was on tinder cause im fat and never spend time with him. witch isn't true! im constantly stuck in cause i have no friends,i have his family who are obviously gonna chose his side,there aware he hits me and doesn't do anything. even tho hes horrible to me i still want his attention and i want him to be nice to me,when he actually is nice and speaks to me i feel so privallaged.i feel like the mean girl in schools just let me sit with her (if that makes sense). but then hell be nice for a few days then go right back to being horrible. im on benefits and i let him use my card and i end up skint all the time but i feel like i do it so hell be nice to me (witch never happens)

yesterday we were suppoused to go to the cinema but we couldn't get a sitter so one of his friends came over instead and we had a pizza. i went to bed at 12 cause i was to tired. he came upstairs at whatever time and tried to cwtch me but i told him no,so h kicked off and told me to go to bed. i woke up and hed gone out. i stayed in waiting all day thinking he was gonna come home and take me out but no. he came in and i asked him did he catch any fish he just blanked me, i tried talking to him and all i got was 'shut up you tramp' i went upstairs and cried i came back down and said what the fuck have i done to you.he said he was done with me and im a slut and brought up my ex that i haven't been with in 3 years!! then he went back out. ive locked my door. i don't want him coming here,im sick of his childish ness. i don't have a phone,friends or family i sit in my house every single day doing the same routine but still i do something wrong! he said earlier to cause i didn't say thankyou for the pizza and apparently i push him away. ill have his mumwatch our lg,ill sit on my own all dressed waiting for him to come home and we go do date night but he wont come home. i end up going to sleep. he never spends time with me. i do go out sometimes with his mum wutch gets annoying i need friends not to be bumming around my 50 year old mother in law. i try and tell her what hes like but she doesn't do or say anything.i feel trapped. he didn't even take me to the first scan,or wont let me go to midwife appts cause he doesn't want me walking there when i tell him ill have the apt and ask if he can take me but instead he makes plans,he wont even feel the baby kicking. i feel like he doesn't care. earlier when we argued he threw a remote at me and a doll,luckily i was behind the banister. i ran upstairs shitting myself thinking he might hit me.

im petrified of him,hes never punched me but he does slap me. and two times when hes slaped me its gave me a balck eye,so i could only imagine what one of his punches would do to me. ive told my midwife hes hit me. i just wanna take my kids to floridabut im scared he wont let me and i know he wont let me. i feel trapped and scared.im so sorry ive rambled on. i just need to get this off my chest. has anyone else had a partner like this? how did you leave,and can i just take my kids? my lg has his last name and im still pregnant on our second im due in October.

OP posts:
pisces7268 · 07/07/2018 20:19

If he hits you again call the police, that's a start

43percentburnt · 07/07/2018 20:20

YOu need to leave. This ‘man’ has attempted to strangle you. That is seen as very high risk that he may kill you.

He has no love for you, despite what he says. He may actually hate all women. He certainly hates you. He won’t change (maybe he will get worse).

Can you read ‘why does he do that?’ In secret?

Do you have any relatives in the uk?
What is your mums position financially? Does she work? Can she move back here?

Flisspaps · 07/07/2018 20:25

This man is likely to kill you.

Can you speak to your midwife ASAP and Women's Aid? They can help you find the support you need to be safe.

Nowthefunbegins · 07/07/2018 20:26

Jesus get out of there

43percentburnt · 07/07/2018 20:27

Are you aware of women’s aid? In the uk his actions are illegal - he is preventing you from accessing medical care, attacking you, emotionally and financially abusing you.

His mum is not your friend - do not expect her to help. She may tell him anything you tell her.

If you shout at him or hit him back he will use this to abuse you. Telling you you are crazy or the anusive one.

I am very worried about you - you must get out. Can you grab a bag with your passports, bank cards and essentials and walk to a police station? Show them this thread.

43percentburnt · 07/07/2018 20:28

And your child of course.

category12 · 07/07/2018 20:30

Speak to Women's Aid. Your midwife should be signposting you to domestic violence support if you've told her he hits you - there will be services you can access. I don't know if you can leave the country with your dc, but just getting away from him is your first step.

cordeliavorkosigan · 07/07/2018 20:30

You must get out! There's tons of support for you on here and in real life. Don't be afraid, or if you are, imagine what life you want for your lovely children. And for you! Stay on here, there are loads of women with practical advice and support here.

43percentburnt · 07/07/2018 20:34

I don’t believe you can just return to the USA due to The Hague convention. You must do everything properly. Evidence he is a danger to your children. Attacking you while pregnant, abuse in front of your little one, you must tell the midwife and police and health visitor everything.

A women’s refuge will give you the support you need and keep you safe.

LimpidPools · 07/07/2018 20:42

Do you live together OP? It sounds as though you might not?

You need to get away from this man. He's dangerous and he neither loves nor likes you. In fact, as 43percentburnt said, he very likely hates you and all women.

Access support - the police, women's aid, your health visitor. Anyone except his family. Take their advice and get this man out of your life.

But be aware, it is when you make the decision to leave that you are at the most risk from him. He likes abusing you. When he realises you arequire trying to go, he's likely to stop you. With violence. So please don't let him know what you're doing.

Thisimmortalcurl · 07/07/2018 20:43

What are your supports in Florida ? Is your child’s surname the same as yours on his/hers passport ? Have you got the money to book a flight ?
I really hope the answers to the above are that you have support and yes and if so just leave , he won’t change , you are in an awful situation and you deserve calm and peace . Please get out of this situation asap.

BlueAir · 07/07/2018 20:44

You've done nothing to cause him to be like this OP and there's nothing you can do that will change him. Don't think if only you could just find the right words or do the right thing he would be a normal loving man - he won't. He's a self made brutal thug.

It's ducks in a row time - enough is enough sweetheart. So sorry you're going through this, op. Flowers

stephie1311 · 07/07/2018 20:45

You need to get out asap! i have been in a similar scenario in the past except I didn't have children, he won't change and it will only continue and get worse.
There is help out there you just need to grab your first opportunity and get out of that house take what you can and leave it will be the best thing you ever do! Go to your local council and speak to women's aid. If he can strangle you in front of your children he has no limit and your in danger.

Wadingthroughshit · 07/07/2018 20:53

You have to leave. You and your daughter and your unborn son are in danger. You need to contact the police and woman’s aid. When you leave, or threaten to, it is one of the most dangerous times.
You are lonely, you make repeated reference to having no friends (which I’m sure your bf would not allow anyway) and so grateful to him, holding on to all the nice parts whereby you feel ‘privileged’ ... you are not, no one is privileged to have any form of attention from this person. He has awful. Not many people are wholly good or bad, but from what you’ve said, I think we’re safe to say, he is wholly bad.
This is your life, this will only get worse, your children deserve better, you deserve better. You ought to be free to take your children anywhere, to show them the world outside, not be stuck in afraid. That would cause irreparable damage to you and them. Go back to Florida and be with your mother if it means you are all safe. I’m sorry, there is nothing for you here but pain, and quite possibly worse.

Gruffalina72 · 07/07/2018 22:51

He's slapped you, given you black eyes, strangled you, but you seem to be saying this is ok because he hasn't "punched" you? I can understand you must be desperate to believe he's not really abusing you, but you understand this distinction makes no sense, right? Physical violence is physical violence.

He is subjecting you to grotesque abuse - the fact you can never do right is because he's abusing you.

You say at one point it's like he doesn't care. You are correct. He really doesn't at all. His reaction to your medical care during childbirth shows that. His prolonged and continual abuse of you shows that. His financial abuse of you shows that. His emotional abuse of you shows that. His physical abuse of you shows that. I could go on.

Have you reported any of his assaults to anyone? Did you get medical treatment?

It is very common for abuse to escalate during pregnancy, and that seems to be happening. I'm concerned about you.

If it's safe to, call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. They can talk through your options and find you a space in a refuge and help you leave him safely.

If you don't think it's safe to even call Women's Aid then that indicates it's time to call the police instead and get them to help you safely leave. Or get him out. There are Domestic Violence Protection Orders. The police can help you, but you need to tell them what he's done to you. Everything you've described is a crime.

Once you're safely away from him, please consider doing the Freedom a programme. It will help you make sense of everything he's done and how incredibly abusive it all is, how it has affected you, and what a healthy relationship would look like.

It's not your fault what he is doing to you and you do not develop it. There is nothing you can do to stop him except leaving. You've already seen that when you try to perfectly do everything he wants he just comes up with new excuses to kick off at you. It will never stop. It's not about whatever he claims you've done wrong, it's about his need to have power over and control of you.

There are people who will help you get away from him, help protect you from him, and help you rebuild your life. But first you have to let them know what he has been doing. It's wrong and there is no excuse. There is nothing you could have done that would justify any of it.

Gruffalina72 · 07/07/2018 22:53

*Freedom Programme, www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

DonkeyPlease · 07/07/2018 23:27

When you told your midwife he's hit you, what did she say?

He's going to kill you for sure. It's only a matter of time. You need to leave him love x

Pacificwander · 07/07/2018 23:36

domestic violence is violence it doesn't have to be a punch. This is no way to live or raise children in. Your dc deserve a home safe from a violent abusive man.
And I know because I grew up in a home with an angry violent man who did everything ( kicks shoved strangling ) but punch.
Seek support from midwife gp women's aid.
Document current bruising as he has assaulted you.
Stop thinking about how to please him or whether he cares about you.
Start thinking about you and protecting your dc

DelphiniumBlue · 07/07/2018 23:44

Is he on your child's birth certificate?

springydaff · 08/07/2018 00:11

I'm amazed your midwife hasn't signposted you to appropriate support.

On Monday morning contact your local Women's Aid and tell them everything. Leave nothing out, tell the absolute truth. They will help you.

Are you legally in this country?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread