Coping with an unsympathetic partner

[MySkirtHasPockets]

I'm struggling to keep my head together in my relationship and could do with some perspective.

Everything was going well in our relationship until I we had an unplanned pregnancy at the beginning of the year. He wanted abortion, I didn't but agreed it was the best option.

Went through with the abortion and I have really struggled since, I guess it's been easy to cast him as the bad guy in it all in order to come to terms with what happened. I am currently looking into counselling and have been taking antidepressants for the last couple of months.

We have really struggled since it happened, a couple of weeks ago I decided not to talk about it any more as he was finding it very difficult to deal with me talking about it all the time.

So we had a good week or so, then the other night I broke down and told him I was unhappy and it all felt false. He went mad, told me I just enjoy being miserable, that he's fed up of it all and then stormed off to sleep downstairs.

I have tried to talk to him, explain that I really don't enjoy being miserable, it's just been really difficult these last few months and I'm really struggling to manage day to day. He just gets annoyed, tells me he's sick of it, can't cope, it's like groundhog day with me, etc etc.

He also has this habit of trying to make out I'm doing things that I really don't feel I am (maybe I'm wrong though?), telling me I'm angry all the time, that I speak to him like a child and snap at everybody in the house and that they're all walking on egg shells because of me... I'm trying really hard, yes I can be short tempered at time but isn't everyone?? I don't feel I'm that bad but maybe I'm deluded.

He tells me he doesn't know how to be with me, feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time... I told him I want to be treated how I treated him when he opened up about his depression, with a bit of care and kindness... Then he just rants on sarcastically about how he could never be as good as me, that I just want him to 'be better at all this'.... How do I get through to him??? Or is it easier to just shut down and not bother trying to rely on him for emotional support.

We really can't split up, kids are happy and settled and we've recently moved to a new area so kids have all had quite an upheaval.

Any gentle advice would be much appreciated, is there any way back from this?

Sorry you’re having a tough time. Is he resentful that you agreed to the abortion but now blame him for it? That’s how it sounds from your post. “Painting him as the bad guy” when it was a joint decision isn’t fair.

You’re of course not wrong to want support and sympathy for depression as you’ve given him in the past but on the one hand you’re agreeing it was the right decision for your whole family and on the other you’re now having some regrets and blaming him.

I think seeking help to unravel your feelings outside of your relationship is the best way forward.

Honestly, you sound depressed, which can lead to being short tempered. I'd recommend you make an appointment with your GP and ask for a depression screening.

And no, not everyone is regularly short tempered. How old are the kids? You could also just be a bit run ragged if you do most of the child care.

Hi I had an very unwanted abortion in 2003 my ex pushed me into it I was sobbing before I went into the clinic I had 2 daughters aged 3&7 atbthe tome and we were in a new relationship and I didn’t think I’d cope alone with 3 young children back then .
So I regretted it bandy even the night before in the hotel 100 miles away from home I nearly left without telling him.
Roll on and few months I craved thy baby body and I hit pregnant again 5 minus later she is now 13.
He carried in making me unhappy he cheated controlled and made me depressed I left him 6 years ago and wish I had back at that abortion time.

You I know are settled but your children know somethings wrong and you may feel they are settled but they will be anxious as they know your very very sad.

Maybe he could move out for a while see how you cope ?

I tried for 20 years. The result was the same.

I think counselling for yourself might help you to get perspective on it. It's very difficult sometimes to work this stuff out on your own. Best of luck with it.

No I know its not fair of me, I told him the day before the procedure that I didn't want to go through with it, but went ahead any way. He did tell me to cancel the appointment of I felt that strongly but I knew how strongly he didn't want another child and felt it wouldn't be fair to the existing children or the baby to go ahead with the pregnancy. It was very much a head over heart decision.

The kids are older - upper KS2 and two in KS3, full time work is wearing me out but the kids are pretty independent these days. Another reason it would've been madness to have a baby when the other children are just beginning to become independent.

Counselling will be helpful I think, need to get my act together and arrange it.

Have there been times during the relationship when you've been physically unwell? How has he reacted then?

If he is normally caring and supportive, perhaps this issue has actually caused him to feel guilty, but then resentment because it WAS a joint decision so why should he feel guilty... so he lashes out because he's deeply uncomfortable with his "role" in your depression.

I'm not sure if I've worded that very well but hopefully you get my meaning.

I think counselling for you would be really beneficial, to help you work through the emotions. And FWIW it does sound like it was the best, most logical and practical decision.

Yes I think you might be right NotThe I'm not intentionally trying to blame him, I'm just so tied up in knots with anger and guilt about it all.

He is normally caring when I'm ill in other ways, will fetch me things I need, sort out the kids, do the house work etc.

He's fed up of it all but I don't know how to change. Counselling is probably a good idea.