What to tell the kids, been cheated on

[Igotthis]

Hi all,

I'm new to Mumsnet and after some advice pls. I found out on Sunday night that my husband of 8 years (15yrs together) has been "getting close" to someone at work for the last 7 months and has cheated on me. We have 2 DC together, 2 and 4yrs. I am devastated and heartbroken.

He's weaved a complex web of deceit that i cannot ever forgive. The constant lies hurt just as much as the thought of him being with another woman. How can he take secret time off work to be with her, then come home to me and the kids and look us in the eyes? And not once but multiple times. She sounds psychotic and ive seen her texts- She has played mind games including a cry for help ending in hospital as he 'finished it with her'. He's painted a picture of himself as a hero helping this woman out through her troubles and falling for her in the process and I think he somehow sees himself as a victim in this. I found out myself and even then he continued to lie to my face about the severity of it all.

I am hurting beyond belief. I kicked him out straight away and have had a week dealing with questions from the kids about when daddy's coming home, juggling night wake ups and feeling so sad for them knowing their home is now broken.

I guess I'm after some advice from those who've been there about best ways learned how to handle it sensitively with the kids. What worked? What to say? What would you do diffetently. This morning we told them mommy and daddy will be working away lots more and you'll see us both but it will be different and at different times. You'll always be able to speak to us both and we'll always be there for them. It broke my heart. He's with them now at our house. I know when my head is sorted they'll need a more permanent idea of what's going on. Any advice?

First step is to sort yourself out and make a clear plan of where you will go from this place. That will give you confidence. That confidence will be the key to show the DCs that you have got their back no matter what. They don't need to know or understand about cheating at this stage anyway. Sorry this happened. What a shitty situation.

Tell them the truth, in age appropriate language.

"Daddy had another girlfriend. Since married people aren't allowed to have other boyfriends or girlfriends, we aren't going to be married anymore and daddy is going to live somewhere else."

Then lots of reassurance about how much you both love them and how it isn't their fault. The last bit is very important - kids always blame themselves, even if that seems ludicrous. (Basically small kids find it hard to imagine that they aren't the centre of the world, in a very sweet and understandable way).

I think you should tell them the truth so that they KNOW why it ended and know that you have a high bar.

There is nothing so frustrating as giving them a big confusing mystery to never be able to make sense of. That they will blame themselves for, if you don't just give them the real reson.