No choice dammed if I do dammed if I dont

[Nitrobo]

Posted previously but didnt really get a reaponse.
No one I can talk to in real life about this anymore think they are all bored to tears with the topic but I just cant seem to make a choice.
My h and I seperated a few years ago but could never end things properly. He started a relationship with someone else after we split which he kept a secret. When I found out he ended things said he still loved me and wanted to try again properly. We agreed to go to counselling 8 sessions with a view to him moving back in at the end.
We came to the end he said hes scared to move back in in case everything goes back to the way it was.
we argued a lot towards the end of our marriage. I had ptsd after our last childs birth and did not cope well at all and he held onto frustration over this for several years.

So now we live this half couple life where we live seperately.

The kids struggle wih this and I initially was okay about it all but increasingly feel that its just not right its not how a family should be and he is not motivated to change things. I raised this in our last session where the counsellor said its my insecurity talking and that in pressuring him to come back I will push him further away but Im just not happy. I dont think this is fair. All I can think about is that Im wasting my life waiting for him to come back when I should be out there looking for someone else or just planning to grow old as a single person and make the most of that. Equally I feel trapped because when we are together I feel happy and at peace and that.my family is complete and I dont wont to loose that. I just dont know what to do. The only choice open to me is to end things as he wont address it at all.
The counsellor higlighted that he avoids problems rather than facing them, bottles up his emotions etc and needs to face things. He accepts this but says he finds it just too hard to face things head on.
I dont know what I hope to gain from posting on here to be honest maybe I just need to send rhe thougts somewhere else rather than just having it go round and round in my head going nowhere.

You posted this a few weeks ago and the advice won't have changed, you can't force him to live with you if he's not ready and if you're not happy then end it.

In addition your thread a couple of weeks ago indicates neither of you are happy in the relationship and it doesn't work.

It seems like you're flogging a dead horse.

End your marriage. Properly.

It seems that the issue is that you are torn between how you would like your marriage to be and how it actually is. It doesn't sound like you and your husband are happy together, nor are you both committed to the massive changes each of you would have to make.

That's not a criticism - if a relationship is predicated on one or both parties making massive changes to their personality and behaviour then the relationship is probably not worth it.

Let your marriage end. I suspect that's why you went to counselling anyway - for official "permission" to end it.

Thank you bluntness your comment then and now wasnt usefull so please feel free to walk on by.

You're not damned either way. You can get out of this relationship which clearly isn't what either of you want and find happiness elsewhere. It might not seem fathomable now, but one day you could look back and realise it's the best thing you ever did.

Why is it not helpful? What do you want to hear that's different?

It's the truth of the matter, repeatedly starting threads and asking again won't change people's advice.

He doesn't want to live with you. When you're together it doesn't work. You've done counciliing and it hasn't changed anything. Either continue as is, or end it. Nothing has changed since your last thread on this.

Have to say, I agree with bluntness if he's not willing to discuss it, and you're not making any progress, you're struggling and the kids struggling then really you need to make the decision and take it out of his hands or you carry on as is and it will continue as is because he's got no reason to change.
The fact that it's unfair, that you and the kids are struggling, that you could have moved on - those things are unimportant to him or he'd sort it out. Finishing it may give him a kick up the bum, or he might be relieved he doesn't have to face up to the decision to end it.
You want him to want the things you want, if he did he'd move home and get some family life back. Sounds like he dips in and out as it pleases him and when pressured to commit he runs.
He's leaving up to you, so you need to decide if you can carry on or not and know that if you split up then the world won't end.

What else do you expect people to say?

I agree with your observation that you're damned if you stay in this horrible limbo, but I disagree that you're damned if you don't.

Drawing a line under it and ending things properly and finally will hurt for a while, yes. But it won't hurt forever. And you've already described in your post that doing so would open up possibilities for your future - even if they're different to the future you dreamed of.

It's distressing when the choice we would like to make is not a viable option (as here), but there will be other choices in your future that won't be available to if you leave things like this.

One horrible choice now to end things properly followed by a lifetime of possibilities and choices that will make you happy, or the choice to stay in a painful situation that will continue to fill your life with pain and cut off all the other possibilities from your future.

Sometimes life doesn't give us the chance to make the choices we would like, but that doesn't mean there won't be better opportunities after this one.

It's ok to feel afraid and it's ok to grieve for the life you dreamed of. But ending this relationship doesn't mean you'll never be happy - it will make way for you to be happy again.

Hmm different angle to others, our stories are somewhat similar and I noticed you said you are happy when together which is probably whats making ending it so hard.

Are you still suffering from post natel deppression? I had this and it really put a huge strain on our marriage also affected how I interpreted things dh said.

Why only 8 sessions, why choose to stop if things are unresolved? Maybe you both need to continue or try individual counselling?

I dont have any advice re finding the strength to jump off the fence you are sitting on, but having found myself sitting on my own metophorical fence for sometime a while back just wanted to say you are not alone in dealing with such struggles. Give yourself time and space to figure it out no one can really tell you what is the best to do

You may feel happy just because you are lonely for adult company, have you considered this. It may not be because it's him at all.

I have known people that cannot abide not having a partner. So they stay in unsuitable relationships, sometimes all their lives.

You answer your own question by saying your only choice is to finish it.

You are very unhappy and that can’t continue. He won’t move back in and your marriage isn’t working. You need to end it and move on. Maybe if you do that, at some point in the future you’ll get back together but this limbo is ridiculous. One of you needs to make a decision. You’re wasting your life away sitting in this limbo!

Sounds very much like you’re happy with the fantasy part of family life when you briefly have it. But that is clearly not the reality. If it were you would either be happy with the situation or you would both want to be moving back full time.
But he doesn’t? It’s easy for him currently, that’s why he can’t face things head on. He doesn’t have to. He’s got what he wants.

Which is fine! But it’s not what you want.

The problem seems to be, he has to put bugger all effort in for you to allow him back in your life, so he knows he doesn’t have to try. And I suspect this will go on for years until your kids leave. And then he will probably leave you permanently. Sounds harsh but I wouldn’t be surprised.

And in the meantime you’re children are being seriously affected by this

Thanks to those who gave some constructive comments.
I thought about it a lot and have told him I cant live like this going forward and we need to end it. His response was we will talk about it tommorow which is friatrating.

To.answer questions
I didnt repeatedly start a thread hoping people would change advice.stating youre flogging a dead horse or what do you expect isnt advice.
I dont have pnd. But equally do have anxiety and feel pretty low.
Cant afford more sessions.

Can you go to the doctor and see if you can get some sessions for yourself?
If you’re suffering from anxiety I would be surprised if it wasn’t heavily related to how you’re living now.
We can love someone deeply but the situation that we are in might be very bad for us.
You might feel like you’re dammed if you do and dammed if you don’t. But anything has got to be better than limbo. Limbo is a killer

Make sure he does talk about it tomorrow and doesn’t just brush it all off

When he says you will talk about it tomorrow say no you won't. You are telling him it is over. There is no discussion.

You are not happy but if you can't do this for yourself put your DC first and do it for them. Would you really like them to be stuck like this when they are older? That is what you are teaching them right now.

They are struggling and deserve better. He can be a great dad without being in a half relationship with you.

End it. He’s not coming back. He has the best of both worlds - you dangling on a string and the freedom to do what he wants when he’s not with you and the kids. If he wanted to be back he’d be back. Let’s face it, there are lots of reasons for him to come back - to live with the woman he’s supposed to love, to be with his kids every day, not to mention the huge cost saving of only running one home. There’s only one reason for him not to come back - he doesn’t want to. You’re not happy, he’s doesn’t want to give you what you want. Move on.

I haven't read previous threads so not sure if something is going on there but what bluntness said seems fair.

You are comparing two unfavourable situations to a preferable one...but the preferable one doesn't exist! So you are staying in a bad situation waiting for this other one to appear. It sounds like it isn't going to appear. So take some control.

The current compromise you've found in your relationships suits some people, including your DH. It doesn't suit you. You may motivate your DH to move back in, if he truly believes that things will end if he doesn't, but:
a) it's been like this for a long time, he may think you're bluffing and just make the right noises. Empty promises, etc.
b) if he moved back in, it sounds like he would be doing it pretty reluctantly...how long will that last?

I think the advice of moving on is spot on. Sounds like you've explored what you can, put what you can into it, and for whatever reason he isn't motivated to do the same. Or he just doesn't want what you want, and knows that it won't work for these reasons. I'm sure he cares about you and the DC, so it's in his interest that he has tried to keep things moving along for as long as possible without having to change anything.

The unknown is psychologically much more difficult than a difficult or "bad" outcome. Personally I find a situation out of my control induces higher levels of anxiety than a less preferable situation but one over which I have some control.
This also applies to the kids. I imagine they are struggling with not really knowing exactly what is going on with the situation?

Good luck. If you aren't ready yet, I think as a minimum now would be a good time to give yourself some hard timelines. If you aren't ready, write down in X many months time what outcomes you want to have achieved, and what will happen if they haven't been achieved. Don't tell him. Don't spend every day thinking about it. Get to do that day, and act accordingly. I don't think this is a wise move, seeing as it's already been going on for a long time (better advice if it had only been a few months so far), but it is an intermediate option.