So frustrated with DH attitude. What can I do?

[yesMrsLevinsion]

NC for this...

I’ll try and keep it brief, but I’m honestly at the end of my tether with my DH.

We’ve very recently moved from London to the North, where I’m originally from. I’m six months pregnant with twins (first DC for both of us) We moved to be nearer my parents and also for welfare reasons as cost of living in London etc was becoming too much.

DH has always been an incredibly laid back person, but he is getting increasingly worse. It’s now gotten to the point where I have to ask/tell him to do everything. Some examples are...

I’ve arranged all bill change overs for new house, communication with housing association, deciding what new things we need etc. He has rang a few times about various things that needed sorting, but I’ve had to specifically tell him it needs doing. You can’t just mention in passing that something needs doing, he has to be firmly told to do it.

He’s currently job searching and we are having to claim UC. I’m confident this will be a short state of affairs and he already has interviews lined up for next week. He has done nothing but winge moan and complain about having to go to JC/update his online journal etc. I’ve pointed out numerous times that I’m also having to do
It and it’s only going to be short term, but he still constantly bitches about it. He was doing it in front of my DM the other day saying how everyone at local JC is horrible, treats you like dirt etc. My DM used to work there and a lot of these people are her ex colleagues. A fact DH is fully aware of.

DF strimned the overgrown gardens a few days ago and had told DH it would all need raking up before grass was cut. DF arranged to come over yesterday with his lawnmower and I had to specifically tell DH to get off the couch yesterday to rake grass up before DF came. DF is in late sixties with a really bad shoulder! DH just seemed to have no concept of how bad it would look in DFs eyes if the grass hasn’t been raked. He actually said to me “I don’t know about these things. I’ve never had a garden”

These are just little examples, but I’m SO frustrated. I feel like DH just doesn’t listen to me anymore. When I try to talk to him about my feelings I get told “it’s OK” when it’s fucking not OK We’re going to have two children to look after soon and his attitude to everything just gets worse everyday. I’m terrified of how I will cope once they are here

Manchild. Will be worse when babies are here. Having “real grownups” ie your parents around a lot won’t help probably, he is regressing. Was he different before you moved?

He was also complaining yesterday that the interviews he has are for shitty jobs. Yes they aren’t great, but we’ve discussed a million times that they will only be temporary to get JC off his back and he can continue looking for better jobs in the meantime. I just think his attitude is really poor atm

bakedlikeabun I feel he’s definitely getting worse. His attitude is going rapidly downhill. Ironically he was my rock not long ago. These babies are IVF and it’s taken us three years to get here. I just don’t know what to do. Really feel like we need couples counselling or something.

Sounds like he isn't 100% happy about the move and the new house etc and so is not totally on board on getting it sorted.

Can you talk to him about THAT rather than the other stuff? Might then mean he stops moaning about it if he feels listened to.

He wanted to move though. He hates London (whereas I love it) He likes the new house as well. We had a grotty flat before and now have a nice house with gardens etc. It’s me who didn’t want to move, but I’m trying to make the best of it.

You can’t just mention in passing that something needs doing, he has to be firmly told to do it

Then give him a list of tasks or have a daily planner of tasks for you both to "share"

He's clueless, he's not going to absorb how to do anything just by seeing what other people do, it's not some sort of osmosis - some people just don't work that way. Some people really do need things explaining to them because they really do not pick up on hints and inferences. Some really don't take criticism well either, so gently and positively is the way to go.

He needs to learn about the garden, not just for the maintenance but seasons, what to plant where etc. get him interested.

Ditto how to look after children
Ditto how to keep the house presentable
Ditto how to interact with other people

He's going to get a shock when the twins arrive. You don't have an option about sitting on your arse when two babies are crying at once and you've only got one pair of hands.

Please, from day one, get him as equally involved as you are. Don't take over and assume he can't do it, so its easier if you do it yourself. Start as you mean to go on. If you breastfeed then he can do night time nappy changes and winding/settling. If you're formula feeding then each take one baby overnight. Unless he puts a baby in danger, let him figure out his own way to do stuff.

You simply cannot look after baby twins alone. The resentment will destroy you if he keeps this up after they're here.

(Disclaimer... Ive got twins)

Couples counseling is an amazing idea. We had some after my twins were born and it helped us so much to learn to communicate in the early days when things were just a matter of surviving from day to day. It's not just for couples that are on the brink. It's for couples that need a little bit of a nudge in the right direction. A third person listening to you both might help him realise what his attitude is doing to you and your marriage. Equally you might learn some ways to help put your point across more constructively.

BlankTimes He really doesn’t work that way. It’s so frustrating as I genuinely don’t think he’s doing it deliberately. He just genuinely doesn’t see! I do give him lists/tasks etc, but it’s just so exhausting.

Talk about wife work!

Yesterday when DF was here cutting grass and I was sorting the bathroom he just wandered around lost asking what he could do. Then he went and picked up his guitar. I had to tell him to put it down before DF got annoyed.

TheGoldenWolfFleece I have no idea what it will be like when twins get here. I try to talk to him about my concerns and get told it’ll be OK

He’s sorted washing this morning and put my clothes away. He’s not a terrible guy by any means, but his cluelessness is driving me insane!

Definitely going to look into the counselling though. It’s strange because one of the reasons I fell for him is because he always listened to me and how I felt. Now suddenly he doesn’t listen at all!

Do you think he'll agree to go to counselling? I don't think it's necessarily a problem that you jointly have; he's the one that's lazy and doesn't see anything wrong with not contributing. He's rude as well about the job centre staff especially knowing your mum used to work there.

Has he always been this useless around the house?

That's what I mean. If he's wandering around aimlessly when the twins arrive don't just go "oh for God's sake I'll do it then." Let him figure it out. Don't get into the position where he is constantly asking you what he needs to do with the twins. You don't instinctively know what you're doing more than he does because you're their mother. I think you should tell him you seriously think that counseling is necessary before the twins get here so that you can figure out how you're going to work together as team to get through it.

We also have twins and sadly I have read that having twins increases the likelihood of divorce. www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/7452522/Parents-of-twins-more-likely-to-divorce.html

Has he always been inept or is this new? Surely living in a flat he still had to do numerous chores, cleaning, washing, housework, bills, painting, decorating etc?

Posted too soon. I’d look at couples counselling and soon. As you get further on in pregnancy you may feel pretty lousy. I was barely able to walk at 6 months - dh had to do everything. I was hospitalised several times with hyperemisis. You really need to look after yourself.

He’s not laid back, he’s a lazy arse.