I'm wobbling because I'm lonely. Help!

[Strawbroke]

I ended it with my bf of 3 years at the start of this week basically because I have only seen him 33 days out of the last 61, no reason (doesn't work away etc) apart from, in his words 'I'm not a naturally happy person. I retreat into myself. That's why I need time alone sometimes. In my own place. Your house isn't my house.'

We have been having issues for months because I want a shared life, and a shared partnership. We split in March because I had had enough and after 3 week so he came and spoke to me and said he realised he wanted to live with me, get married etc. I was so happy but his actions haven't reflected his words. Nothing changed.

I miss him and I'm wobbling. I didn't finish it because I don't love him. I do, very much. I finished it because I want a joint life. A proper partnership. Not to be asking if he is coming over and being told he's too down and never knowing where I am with him. I don't want to feel lonely anymore. It is never going to happen with him no matter how much I want or force it but there's always a voice in me saying 'try again'. How can I start to move on from this? I know logically how to do it. But emotionally I'm stuck

If after three years the relationship hasn’t moved to a point where you actually feel as though you’re in one I don’t think you would be able to move forward at all..... you want a partnership, he wants to slot you in when he feels he’s up to seeing you. You should be able to be allowed to support him when he is down. Own space is one thing...keeping you at arms length is another.

33 days out of 61? Am I missing something here, that sounds like you are together more than half the time. What's wrong with that?

If you weren’t happy, and you gave it chances, it’s not likely to get any better if you go back for another spin, is it?

Put some effort into forcing yourself to socialise instead. You need to be very strict with yourself to get through the wobble.

You want a shared life with someone, he wants his own place and own space. You want different things. Stop wasting your time and energy on this relationship.

My first thought: thank god you saw through his attempt to manipulate you with false promises and stood your ground.

Our emotions do have an annoying tendency to take a long time to catch up with logic. Keep reminding yourself of that and the reasons for this decision. Other than this post, have you written them down?

I think you made the right decision. Feeling lonely in a relationship is miserable and no place to be. I do wonder what he was like the rest of the time. I'd be surprised if this was his first attempt at manipulating you.

Besides that incident, I'm not suggesting your ex was abusive - you haven't shared enough for me to possibly tell - but I am wondering whether something like the Freedom Programme (www.freedomprogramme.co.uk) would help you going forward, in terms of finding a healthier relationship (his comments about being alone don't sit well with me). It would give you confidence that you won't end up in this boat again.

Freedom Programme is run for all women, experiences of abuse or not. You've described wanting a partnership. It would help you spot the warning signs of the men who do not want that, and avoid you wasting your time on them in the future.

Your emotions will catch up with your logic. Reassure yourself of that. Try not to rush into anything in the meantime.

How are you feeling about the future? Do you have thoughts or plans or ideas?

I suspect if you started taking steps to take control of your life it would help you feel a little better, even if it's only starting a journal or emailing FP or doing something nice for yourself this weekend just because you deserve nice things in your life.

I've done the freedom project as I was removed from my marital home by police with a fractured skull. I've had a marac and domestic abuse support as my marriage was extremely abusive.

I thought I had picked well with bf. I was single for 3 years after my marriage. We took it very slowly and didn't rush as I was still a little bit stuck in Stockholm syndrome. But we never moved into a point where we forged a life together.

lovemistymornings I get why 50% of the time would work for some but after my experience with my marriage that doesn't work for me. I need to feel safe more than any other need. Even over feeling loved.

I have got plans Gruff I have just bought my own house and have started a really good new job. Plus I have 3dcs to keep me busy! I guess my worry is that emotionally I always 'fail'. I can't maintain a relationship (I understand the reasons why I struggle as I was abused in childhood so I don't trust people). But I really don't want my life to be defined by how inept I am in interpersonal relationships. I want to succeed at one!

Reframe this in your head. It's not your failure. It's not even his. You just want different things; and he can't give you what you need. There's no failure there.

You are right. I'm framing everything in a negative way today. I just feel a bit lost because whenever I've split up from previous LTR it has been because my feelings have changed for that person. This is different, hence why I'm struggling. Doesn't help that tonight I have no plans as everyone is coupled up or doing pre-planned football related stuff.

Hi Straw I find myself in a very similar situation today. I still have strong feelings for the person concerned but he won’t commit to anything and it’s been causing more and more difficulties.
It’s ended up this morning with me blocking him on phone, Whatsapp etc (not out of the blue, lots of arguments and upset leading up to this) but I know it’s going to be a hell of a struggle for me not to contact him. (Even though he doesn’t really want to hear from me).
I also feel similarly about my life - most things are ok but I am not able to sustain a functional relationship.
Perhaps we can support each other on here?

Plan something to do then - beach, walk, cinema?

Are you an intense person. Knowing that level of details & days you have seen each other seems a bit OTT. As you’re only gf & bf, more than half seems plenty to me

I only counted because he was dismissing me saying we haven't seen each other on a few occasions and I new it was more than that.

And okay, fair enough if you 'cool gf' think after 3 years seeing each other half the time is fine. But it's not for me, for the reasons I said earlier in the thread so if I want to assess it isn't what I want, at 39.

hopeless that sounds good re supporting each other. What happened with your relationship.

straw We were together about 18 months. He tended to change his mind about whether he wanted a full time committed relationship or not.

I cared about him deeply (& I think he cared about me too). I suppose we wanted different things. I probably should have ended it before now but he didn’t want it to end and neither did I.
But we had got to the stage over the last week where it was just getting nasty and he stopped communicating with me. That’s when I knew I had to try to move on, hence the blocking etc. It’s very difficult though and I’m feeling sad and lonely today.
I feel lonely on my own and lonely if I’m with people!

I must admit though, reading some of the shit people go through on here does put my situation in perspective. It’s incredible the way some people treat their partners / children.

As someone else said on here, you just want very different things. He’s probably happy with a half the time girlfriend, and that’s his right. As is yours to have someone you believe is fully committed.
You’ll find someone. Love does not conquer all sadly.