Hi,
I've never posted on her before, and I don't actually have any children, but I am desperate for advice. I feel like I have so much to say, and I don’t know where to begin.
I've been with my partner for a few years now, and we are not married. Over the times we have been together, I have had a steady job, and he has had about 4 jobs, including nearly 2 years of unemployment during the time that we have been together. I come from a very lucky background where my parents stayed together, and I was able to get a good education and a degree and unfortunately he has not had this. He has had a lot of problems with his jobs, and has a very short fuse with people, and finds office jobs tedious (yet wants to have a job where he will earn a lot of money, and won’t consider lots of options because they are ‘below’ him).
Last year he took his frustrations out on me from another job and the relationship was very stressful, which ended up with him hitting me a few times. I panicked and told people (which I know was the right thing), who told the police, and he has been on probation for a year. Since then we decided try and make things work. As everyone found out, I kind of felt that there would be a smaller risk of it happening again if that makes sense. t I am worried that I can feel it coming back. He has started a new job, after a year of unemployment, but already after 2 weeks he hates it, and I feel so distant and lonely. I know I need to be supportive during a new job, but part of me also feels that he always has one thing or another where I have to be supportive for him, and there isn’t the same for me.
This year, I was very lucky and got offered a job with a big pay rise (in a much more expensive part of the country). When we moved he was unemployed and so didn’t have anything to stay for and we both thought we could both benefit from a fresh start. Now, he keeps saying (and then might take it back a day later) that he regrets moving because of how expensive and congested it is here, which I understand, but in the old place he complained all the time about how boring it was. I feel like I always try to do the right thing, and can never win. I worked exceptionally hard for this job too, and I feel like he is a jealous, but I know he wouldn't commit to the same level of work that I did (Literally 3 years of exams post uni).
We argue a huge amount. Sometimes it is my fault because I just get so fed up I snap back. But this week for example, I have done everything I can to rush home from work so the house is tidy, food is made etc etc. I do have a demanding job too so this is really tiring. He is appreciative and says thank you, but also snaps at me for little things like the food is too hot, or why I didn’t cut something up in a particular way etc etc.
Whenever we argue he says it’s not about me etc it’s about him because he’s got all of these problems with work, and I know he is extremely unhappy, which I do worry about a lot. But I do take the view that I’ve supported him through a lot of ups and downs and actually as I am always the one who picks up the pieces and deals with the sh**, it is about me too!
I know a lot of you will tell me to leave and get out, because the relationship is controlling, I do know that deep down. He didn’t tell me to stop talking to my friends, but as he hasn’t had many, he used to get upset when I did things and he didn’t have people to see on the same day. Also, I've spent 3 years doing exams so that has always been a priority on the weekend . Now it feels like I haven't got any friends to turn too. I would also spend my day with my partner if I had the choice. When we are happy we are so happy, and when I am by myself I miss that.
I really want it to work but then part of me just feels like I am boiling up problems for later on in my life. He hasn’t got any money to go anywhere else for the time being, so I also wouldn’t want to engineer a situation for at least a ‘break’ until there was an alternative and we wouldn’t just have to stay living together in this.
Even right now, I feel SO guilty for writing this. How can you love someone so much and be so happy but at the same time be unhappy and lonely??
I am sorry that I have rambled. Because of the problems last year I feel very nervous about talking to my family without alarming them, and because this has been stewing for a while I really don’t know where to begin. I've probably missed out a lot of crucial details so sorry...