Kicked him out 6 months ago but can’t escape

[Bettalife]

Sorry, this is longer than I thought it would be...

I kicked stbxh out 6 months ago after discovering his secret email account with messages to and from multiple women exchanging explicit photos, videos and referencing webcam sessions. And this came 7 months after discovering massive debts he’d racked up on secret credit cards and loans to feed a gambling addiction I knew nothing about.

Since he left I’ve been trying to keep to hold everything together for our 4 DCs while trying to come to terms with the fact that my entire 13 year marriage was basically based on lies and I never really knew my husband.

The problem is that despite filing for divorce and him moving out, I just can’t escape him.

He’s always ringing me and texting me - mostly about the children.

He doesn’t have anywhere for the children where he now lives, so all contact takes place at our house. And it just feels like he’s constantly here. He takes them to school 4 days a week, but he never just picks them up - he always comes in and starts faffing around, moving stuff, going in the cupboards and “being helpful”. He’s here 2 afternoons a week and has tea with them and he is always engineering ways to be taking them to their activities etc. So he’ll say to the DC, “Daddy can take you to x on whichever day. How about I pick you up at xx time.” I’ve pulled him up on it and told him to check with me first so now he adds “If that’s ok with mummy.” So if I refuse I look like the bad guy. Plus, he keeps pointing out that they’re his children and he has a right to see them. It just feels like he’s always putting me in a difficult position where I have to comply with his wishes or else I look like I’m the bad person. If I dare to refuse, I have no doubt he would tell the DCs what a shame it would be that mummy wouldn’t let him see them.

I’m fed up of him doing fun stuff for a couple of hours while I’m exhausted from dealing with a 10 year old who is becoming increasingly withdrawn and angry, a 3 year old who still won’t sleep through the night along with trying to make sure everyone is fed, watered and clean and the house is vaguely habitable.

I know I need to establish some boundaries, but I’m not sure I have the energy at the moment. When I’ve tried before he’s said things like “I thought you were going to be reasonable about all this.” I stood up to him last week and he called me a b*h. Plus, he is the sort of person who feels that the rules don’t apply to him. There will always be an exceptional circumstance that warrants him coming into the house (which is still full of all his stuff).

He’s intending to get a bigger place when we settle the finances (although I have no idea how he will afford it as his debts are mind boggling) - so this is supposed to be temporary. But he’s dragging his feet on sorting his side of the financial declarations. So I suspect this will continue for at least the next 6 months.

I just feel so trapped. I’m not allowed to tell anyone in RL why we split - he is too ashamed and he says if his business partner finds out he will lose his job and then be made bankrupt and we’d lose the house. And he’d have to move away so the DCs would never see their dad.

How can I find the strength and energy to set out my terms and stop him from walking all over me?

He’s just been round to pick up DD and I asked him to wait outside because I don’t like him in the house and he just said “Don’t be stupid.”

I just don’t know how to manage this situation.

I would get the locks changed and get your solicitor to draw up a contact order to submit to the court. Can his mum and dad facilitate contact at their house?

He's emotionally blackmailing you so turn that back on him. Is there someone you can draw on for support? If so I would sit him down with a witness present and say this is the new contact order and I have changed the locks. If you don't adhere to it then I will go with full disclosure to everyone and YOU will lose your job. I will also contact the police and inform them of your harassment.

You need to take back the power from him. What is your financial position?

There’s only his mum and she lives 5 hours’ drive away.
At the moment i’m Ok day-to-day - tax credits and job cover the basics. But until divorce settlement is cut and dried, I’m worried that if he goes bankrupt I’ll be liable for half his debt, which would put me under huge financial pressure.

At first I thought an informal arrangement would be more flexible fir the children, but I think it might be time to sort out a more formal contact order as the current arrangement is not working for me. Thanks for the suggestion. I’ll chat to my solicitor on Monday.

He is being controlling and manipulative - abusive.

To clarify, you're not being stupid, you're not being a bitch, you're not being unreasonable, and you're not being a bad parent.

He is though.

You absolutely are allowed to tell people the reason you kicked him out - him forbidding you from doing so is another way to hold power over you and cause you prolonged suffering - and I would encourage you to do so. People won't be able to support you properly if they don't know what has really happened.

And if they don't know the truth it will be easier for him to invent his own version that makes you out to be the one at fault or worse.

The way he's behaving cannot be helping the children. It's distressing you (which they will pick up on) and it means they have no idea why they stand. Has he really left? Is he coming back? When will I see him?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but there are things you can do to get control of your lives back.

I agree that you need formal contact arrangements. Have you looked into using a contact centre?

It's completely inappropriate and unacceptable for him to insist on coming inside your house for contact, moving things around, picking and choosing and changing when he will see them, and generally calling the shots in your lives.

His claim that the finances need sorting first seems like a way of delaying and controlling you. He is going to wear you down if you wait for that. You need to be the one to take charge.

He made his choices and it is not your responsibility to save him from them. You need to save yourself and the children. And to do that this situation has to change.

You need to see a solicitor, both to sort out where you stand financially and in terms of keeping him from swanning in and out of the house, and to formalise contact so that it happens at set times and it doesn't take place in your house.

The way it presently is, I wouldn't be surprised if your eldest is continually building her hopes up of seeing him and then having them crushed because it's all so unpredictable. If she knows exactly how many times a week and for how long she will see him it will give her some stability and reassurance. The younger one must be getting very confused.

He is behaving unreasonably and in a way that is detrimental to his children and to you - which in turn is no good for the children. This is not how a decent father would behave. Somebody needs to act in their best interests, as you have been trying to do.

So, take legal advice and get things set up properly. His current behaviour is abusive, so talking things through with Women's Aid might help too: 0808 2000 247. They will have more suggestions than us, and will be a real person reassuring you that you are not in the wrong here, and need to be able to protect your children from his behaviour.

Can you have an email address or phone number that is only for him to contact you about the children (perhaps change your existing ones so he only has the old ones, and let him be the only one to contact you on those). That way you only have to check them at set times and won't feel like you're at his beck and call.

Everything about your own situation should go through a solicitor. Anything about the children through those contact channels. And if he tries to use them for anything else do not respond or engage.

Don't try to reason with him. He's not interested in reason, he's interested in having power and control over you. You won't succeed in bringing him round, just aim for standing your ground.

I would consider having a set response to his various manipulations. So if he starts saying "it's up to mummy", you could calmly and firmly respond with "daddy knows he agreed he sees you on x days, so he won't be able to do that, but he will see you on x day, remember" ending on an upbeat tone and repeat ad nauseum.

If he starts calling you names, "that's unacceptable, you will not speak to me like that". Making threats about your parenting or preventing him seeing them, "I am protecting our children's best interests, you should want to support me with that".

If he's blaming you for what's happening, "you made your choices, these are the consequences."

Etc. But obviously use words and phrases that sound and feel like you. Just have your set, clear responses that maintain the boundaries you have set.

Everything you are trying to do is extremely reasonable, he is being outrageously unreasonable and causing all of you further harm and distress. That is not acceptable, and you are absolutely doing the right thing to put a stop to it.

Thank you @gruffalina72. I had thought about Women’s Aid before. I saw CAB after we first split and was told to look up financial abuse, but I didn’t call them because I am ashamed to admit that on two occasions during our marriage I saw red and slapped him on the face - he said that made him a victim of domestic abuse, which makes me the perpetrator, not the victim. I went for counselling after the second time to get help in managing my anger but i’ve always been petrified he’ll use it against me somehow.

I feel a bit better knowing I have a plan for Monday - speak to Women’s Aid, speak to my solicitor and finally book an appointment for an STI check - i’ve been putting it off but who knows how many of these women he slept with. It’s time to finally start trying to take control to get out of this mess. I’m just so worried that he’ll try and make my life difficult and try and drag the DCs into it all - using them to get at me.

I think it would be better to accept he will make your life difficult rather than hoping he doesn't. Tell yourself it will be difficult but you CAN navigate your way around what ever he throws at you. Picture the stability you will have when it's over and focus on that. Then deal with his behaviour one step at a time.

Why would his business partner sack him if he knew what had happened? Surely you can’t sack your partner anyway. That sounds like rubbish to keep you quiet.

I’m desperately trying to picture a calmer future @bellaluna but I honestly can’t imagine a time when he’s not around all the time. I took the DCs on holiday in May half term and felt such peace that we had a week without him - maybe i’ll focus on remembering that feeling for the moment .

@discotits I’m not sure whether he could sack him, but i’m sure there must be some way they could wind the business up - stbxh’s dire credit rating might be enough to jeopardise the company’s future.

You could be me! I feel for you it's very hard

It's summer, he doesn't need somewhere for them - he can take them the park ?

He is still pulling all the shots, you need to take some control back

He’s using the kids to acess and control you. Change the locks, get legal advice, set up formal contact arrangements and cease to cover up for him. He’s made his bed. He’s not a reasonable man and you don’t have to accommodate his demands.