My life, going through the motions

[LonelyDadNeedsHelp]

Long time reader, first time poster, everyone has to start somewhere.

Not sure why I'm sharing this, I guess I've got no one else.

I'm male, late 30s, been with DP since school, first love for both of us, 2 DC, age 6 and 1.

We were horny teenagers for a while, a very short while, since then DP has had almost no interest in sex. About 6 months after we lost our virginity together, said she wanted to concentrate on school/exams, sex was a distraction so could we put it on hold? I felt rejected, but I knew her studies were important, so no problem. I thought once the exam stress was out the way she'd relax. Holidays after exams, still no sex. Through university we had sex maybe two or three times, again stressed by studies. After university we moved in together, I thought she'd relax having our own place. In the 5 years living together before TTC, I reckon we had sex 3 or 4 times. She fell pregnant quickly each time. Apart from TTC we had sex twice between pregnancies. Haven't had sex since conceiving youngest, so it's been 2 years now. It's sad that I can almost count the times I've had sex in my life. I'm nearly 40.

I love her deeply. We've grown up together, we've shaped who we both are. Apart from sex I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. We have similar outlook on so many things, we share life goals.

I tried initiating sex and was rejected so many times I stopped because I couldn't take it. She rarely initiated, but everytime she did I was so desperate I was up for it.

This has eaten away inside me for 20 years. Writing this I'm clearly stupid. Why did I expect things to get better? But I was young and had no experience. And I'm naturally dependable, I don't let people down and I don't give up, almost stubbornly. She needed me, still needs me. I'd have been embarrassed with all the fuss and attention from friends/family if we split up. Maybe I wanted to keep up the pretence.

I don't hate her for this but I do resent her. She has never even tried. She's not even tried by herself to understand her own sexuality, so what chance did I ever have?

She knows I like sex, she knows I want sex with her.

I have a high sex drive, or at least I think I do, I've got nothing to base it on. I think about it everyday, it's debilitating at times. When I see people on MN moaning that they only have sex once or twice a month, it makes me despair.

I'm also adventurous in the things I want to try (I've never even had a BJ ffs). I got hooked on porn for a while, like really hooked (I'd happily spend 6-8 hours straight if I had time to myself, which I don't anymore). I also got into cyber sex and sexting. It was my only outlet and my only sexual connection with a real person.

From the sexting I've had what could be described as 3 EAs. I met one of them, one time only, when I was 25.

The most recent of the three I've been messaging for a couple of years now, we've tried to meet on a few occasions but it's never quite worked out. I've opened my mind and my sexual desires to her like I never thought possible. It felt like I could be the real me with her, and she's the only person who has really had pleasure in pleasing me. However, I've realised that it's never going to be a reality with her.

I don't know how, but I think it's time to put my sexuality in a box. It's just never going to happen for me. I won't split from DP because I don't want to make her unhappy or let people down, especially not our 2DC. Despite the effect this has been having on me, they are genuinely happy.

I have no one in real life. I feel like the rest of my life will be going through the motions, but maybe I can find a way to come to terms with that. I don't know if that's possible.

I just had to share. Thank you.

Could you talk to her about this and the effect it's having on you? Do you think she would be open to you sleeping with someone else if she isn't willing to? I don't think you should have to choose between being married or having sex

This certainly sounds like a very frustrating situation to have lived with for such a long time! You don't mention, but is this a topic that you have discussed together? Or is it a no go topic as far as your wife is concerned? There could be many reasons for a woman to have a lack of interest in sex. A lot of which could go beyond the immediately obvious. The fact you say this has always been an issue from a young age suggests that there hasn't been an external influencing factor, but more an emotional / hormonal / physical issue. The first port of call is to really have a one to one chat with your wife (if you haven't already) to discus your frustrations. 20 years is a long time to keep things bottled up. You don't want to let resentments fester to a point where there is no going back and your clearly cherished relationship is unsalvageable

Might sound a bit mercenary but have you considered a discreet affair, no emotional ties..just sex? It's clear that your wife is never going to be on the same page as you here, so if you don't want to leave her you have to either find a method of coping or another woman. If you go on as you are it's going to chip away at any remaining love you have for your wife...trust me Ive been there with my ExW. That path leads to depression, loneliness and heartbreak...and eventually the end of the marriage. You have some tough choices to make.. good luck.

Thank you for your replies so far. We've never really talked about sex, although recently, I've tried to talk, but the conversation hasn't got very far. I know that having young children has an effect, she's told me she feels touched out, and I understand that. But clearly the situation has been going on a long time and if it's not one thing it's another thing. She knows I'd like to have sex, and if she wanted to we would, but she doesn't want to and I don't want sympathy/duty sex (not that she would).

Logically I know the best thing is to try talking, but I've never been good at talking about my needs (I feel selfish) and I'm scared about where the conversation will take us.

When you broached the subject did she get angry / defensive and shit it down or did she just not see it as an issue. If she got angry that would suggest she knows it's a problem but doesn't want to talk about why she's doesn't want to have sex. If she was calm but disinterested then for her the lack of sex clearly isn't an issue and is content as she is.

While I can definitely understand the feeling of being "touched out", this isn't a natural lull in your physical relationship as there never seems to have been a proper one so this smacks of an excuse. She obviously just doesn't want to have sex.

I wouldn't recommend an affair. This will almost certainly result in the eventual breakdown of the relationship. And instead of the sad but natural end to your relationship. It would be one of anger and hurt and make things harder for your children in the long run.

I think you both owe it to yourselves to admit that that there is something missing from your relationship that is very important. And you either work on it together or you accept things won't change so you move on and work together to have a healthy relationship as co-parents for your children.

I would add on to that it isn't selfish to discuss how you feel and what you want / need from your relationship. You are an equal part of it. It's only selfish if you prioritise your needs as more important to hers which you clearly don't. In fact quite the opposite

You're not selfish but your wife never seems to have been really into sex. .sybe she needs someone else or for you to take the lead or is just not interested. I know I got together with my first long term boyfriend very young and we were both too inexperienced and not confident to explore our sexual needs. But even then we had a lot of sex, just not as satisfying as it can be.

You sound lovely op. Maybe buy some literotica for her, go away, get drunk etc?

I wouldn't say was angry when I tried to broach the subject, but there was certainly a passive/aggressive tone, like she just doesn't want sex so what is there to talk about. She even said if it bothers me I should find a prostitute (I wasn't sure if she was being flippant or serious).

However much I might think I'd like to at times, I'm not sure I could do no strings without any emotional attachment.

Asking if she's open to me sleeping with someone else? With a busy household I hardly have time for the very few hobbies I have, I doubt she'll be fine with me popping out for a shag when there's laundry to be done!

The frustrating thing is that I enjoy the rest of our lives together, I want us to be together as our children grow up and then become grandparents. But I don't know how to be sexless for the rest of my life.

Something has to give and I don't know what.

Maldives1986, I know logically it's not selfish to talk about your needs, I've just never been able to do it. I'm the youngest in my family and my siblings were quite demanding so I just got on with things without any fuss.

Cricrichan, I have often thought that myself, that we were too young, wish we'd met a bit later etc. Even when we did have sex there was definitely a lack of confidence to explore. I feel like she could quite happily live without sex for the rest of her life. As I said in my OP, she's never even explored for herself, and I wonder if that is a big part of the problem. It's difficult to suggest things if someone doesn't even realise they're are missing out. I just feel desperately sad about it.

Show your DP thread?

Look, I can tell you are suffering. I personally would not even nearly be able to cope in your shoes.

But you can't just say "I don't like to talk about my needs". That's not an excuse. Can you see that this aspect of your self has literally led you to this misery? You are not going to get out of this situation without changing. If you keep.going like this, nothing can change.

What you need matters.

If you cannot express what you need to yourself or your wife - then get into counselling until you can.

If you're afraid of the outcome, well, I put it to you that you're already in a pretty dire situation.

If it's simply too scary to face up to the consequences of you not talking about your needs - fine, that's up to you. But then accept that they way things are is how they will stay.

I won't bore you with our story but suffice to say my marriage has been sexless for large expanses of time. I don't have a huge amount of advice (because the reasons and potential fixes are so individual that what worked for us may very well not work for you) but I just wanted to mention one thing.

I was on the pill pretty much constantly from when I became sexually active taking only a short break for ttc and had zero libido. Coming off it has been a total revelation, I'm a similar age to you and had, like you, pretty much accepted it wasn't going to happen for me (as had DH tbh) but it would appear it can!

There could be a million reasons why your DW doesn't want to have sex and I couldn't possibly speculate but just wanted you to be aware the pill has that effect on lots of women (as I found out by googling MN threads when things started to change for me, fat lot of help it was by then ) so finding other contraception can sometimes help.

First you need your DW to talk to you though, you need to know the reasons before you can hope to even try to fix it. And you do need to try to fix it because it's obvious from your posts that neither of your current options are really what you want.

Your post has made me a bit emotional tbh because I'm pretty sure my DH could have written something very similar at one time and it kills me that I made him feel like that. Talk to her, you at least need to know what's going on in her head before you can decide a way forward. Would she talk to you if she knew you were reaching crisis point do you think?

Trigger Warning

My DH could also have written your post. We haven't had sex in over 5 years, and before that we'd had it very infrequently due to very heavy bleeding. (We've been married for 15 years.) This is because I've been dealing with traumatic memories of my childhood SA, which means that I can't bear to even think about sex. (The memories had been suppressed for many years although there were images in my head which I couldn't understand.) My DM didn't help matters when I talked to her about it once; she said I should just 'lie down and think of England'. I did try that, we went away for the night and I made myself try, but I ended up having a horrible flashback of being raped as a child and literally couldn't open my legs. I think we were both traumatised by that. And obviously my DH didn't want to have sex with me with me feeling that way.

Now we just don't talk about it. It feels to me like the elephant in the room. I know he must find it hard but neither of us want to 'go there'. Although tbf this is also because we're having a very difficult time with our DD1 (9). (We have 2 adopted DDs, who are birth sisters.) So we're both too knackered anyway. It also means that we have to make our marriage work.

Sadly I can't give you advice as I don't know what the answer is. But I do empathise with both you and your DW, because I know how bad I feel when I think about it, though admittedly not so often now, as I'm on anti-depressants because I'm suffering with complex PTSD. And we have too much else to think about anyway.

You sound so unhappy, that's what really stands out to me. I think you and your DW do need to talk about this with a therapist. She can't go on sticking her head in the sand about this.

It sounds like she may never have had the confidence to explore or even know what to do or what is missing, and possibly has never had an orgasm. I didn't know either and though sex was pleasurable it was nothing like it can be. It took my second long term boyfriend to gently push my boundaries for me to know what to do to really enjoy it. 50 shades' popularity highlights that women are sexual and enjoy fantasies etc and the fact that it's a mainstream book made it ok for women.

Thank you for the further replies. Had a busy weekend so haven't had a chance to respond until now.

HidingtoNothing, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through low libido, although I'm happy for you that you found the cause. I'm sure you are enjoying the revelation in your relationship! My DP has never been on the pill, so that's not the issue for us.

Lizzie48, I'm sorry to hear of the trauma you suffered. You are brave for sharing and I hope it's something you are able to deal with. It had crossed my mind on occasion that this might be a possibility with my DP, but whenever she has been in the mood, she's been really up for it and I didn't sense any hesitation. I know that doesn't rule it out entirely, but I do think it's unlikely.

DonkeyPlease, you are right I know. If I do nothing then things will continue until I can take no more.

Cricrichan, I'm certain she has never had an orgasm. I don't think she's ever been able to open her mind to the possibility, neither with me nor alone and I think this is a big part of the problem. I've read stories on MN of women achieving their first orgasm in their 30s (or older) and I have so much admiration for those women, they recognise the importance of knowing their own body and the impact it can have on not just their own but their partner's sexual enjoyment. I'm actually annoyed with my partner about this. Clearly she has some hangups, but to never even have tried, for her own fulfilment (mostly) or for our shared enjoyment, it infuriates me. It is something I would absolutely love, more than anything to experience and share with her. I also think if she achieved an orgasm she would be a LOT more interested in sex.

But she is always worrying/stressing about other things. I know we can't always help the usual worries of life, but she always puts that first, ahead if our relationship. I think that's telling.

You've all said the same, that I need to talk to her. I have no one to talk to IRL so I really appreciate the comments. It's going to be difficult and I am worried about how it will go. I don't want it to come out as an ultimatum, but equally I need to finally be honest about how I feel. I don't want her to have sex for the sake of keeping me, but I need her to understand. I've seen a number of comments from women saying their DP could have written a post like this, and how sad that makes them feel. So maybe she genuinely doesn't realise.

I need to pluck up some courage and see how this goes.

OP,

You are me. Except that I am female and younger than you are. My DP now claims he is asexual and our relationship has been "open" for two years. He doesn't mind me finding secondary relationships. Except that it's just not happened. It's not something you casually drop into a conversation. I wouldn't even know where to begin.

So here I am. Early 30s. Highly successful. Highly sensitive and emotional and have so much to give. But nobody to take it.

I hear you. So loud and clear.

Actually just typing that felt better. Sorry it doesn't help you OP.

peuree, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation, but glad it helped to type it out. I also felt a little better just typing out my post. Have you spoken to anyone about it? Was there always a lack of sex even before he declared being asexual? Who suggested the open relationship? I'm not surprised you don't know where you start, it must be incredibly daunting. I would also worry even if my dp agreed to that, she would get jealous and resentful eventually.

We were both not entirely convinced by monogamy one person all needs for whole life kind of thing and our best friends are a poly couple who have been together for 21 years and the guy is asexual and the woman is poly so we have had these conversations for a while. Not sure whose idea it was but like I said - not knowing what to do. Initially I arranged therapy counselling all manners of new things getaways doctors testosterone tests and now have given up. I also have bad experiences with rejection and am genuinely convinced that I won't be wanted by someone that way anyway so the Open status doesn't help in any way at all. You can't tell from the outside though. I am remarkably confident go getting etc to all who know me. I don't know what to do or what to suggest. It's the hopelessness - the knowledge that it is what it is that is worst. Easy for others to say break up. With little children and an easy stable financially comfortable home life with no other issues - it is not easy.

@Peuree
I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Tinder and FabSwingers. That's where you begin.

OP, I strongly suggest you start looking for a FWB situation outside the marriage, since that seems like it's what your DW wants. If you're worried about emotions getting involved then seek out a sex worker who will be sure to keep things transactional.

You need to see a counsellor, to work out why you’ve sacrificed a huge part of yourself. It probably has more to with fear than it has to do with love for your wife, that’s a noble excuse to explain away your inaction. It takes two to have a sexless marriage and until you accept your responsibility for staying in an almost sexless one, you won’t be able to move on from it.

Your wife is who she is, she isn’t wrong for not wanting sex and neither are you for wanting more frequent sex, however both of you are very wrong for staying in a relationship with such a fundamental compatibility issue.

She didn’t drive you to porn or to EA’s, you chose those avenues to distract yourself from taking responsibility for staying in the relationship and not owning who you are.

What kind of man are you? What kind of man do you want to be? Is your marriage a help or a hindrance in that goal? Inexperience is no longer an excuse, you’re 40 ffs and she drove me to it doesn’t cut it.