How do you really know you're in an emotionally abusive relationship?

[Dayas]

I'm starting to wonder if I am but honestly I just don't know.

We have been together for 6 years. I love him so much more than I've ever loved any man. We have a child together.

In the beginning things were amazing between us, he treated me like an absolute queen and was my best friend. Probably since we got married things started to go down hill.

He doesn't trust me anymore and can't talk to me because I've made lots of mistakes (trusted a friend to do something for me and she didn't come through, smoked a cigarette when I said I wouldn't smoke again, contacted his ex girlfriend after finding out they'd been in contact after lots of issues with her, checking his social media and finding messages to a woman and confronting him, emotionally deserting him when I was having mental health issues).

I spend all my time feeling guilty and like I have to prove myself to him for things to get better between us but no matter how hard I try something else I do sets us back and we are back to square one with him sulking and me feeling ashamed.

Our arguments are getting nastier. He threatens to leave all the time and suggests divorce, implies I'm a bad mum, laughs at me when I cry then something switches and he gives me a cuddle and it's like it never happened. When I ask why he tells me it's because he realises he has to accept me for who I am and accept he can't talk to me.

I am scared of upsetting him. But however careful I am there's always something. I doubt myself ALL the time. I have no friends. So sometimes I wonder if it's me and he's right and I can't pin point what it is he does. Every argument I end up feeling like it's all my fault and I apologise. If I speak up about something he's done I also end up apologising. Apparently I need to put my feelings to the side to be able to be the woman he married.

I'm sorry this may be really jumbled I could just really do with some advice.

Well, having read your post, I can tell you what you're describing is classic abuse.

He is treating you with tremendous cruelty.

Abuse often escalates after marriage because they know they've trapped you and it will be much harder for you to leave them. It's far from impossible though. If you wanted to, you could leave right now.

The reason you can never do enough to please him is because that is one of the rules of the game with abuse. It's not about whatever it is you've supposedly done wrong, it's about him finding excuses to degrade you, break you, and control you.

You could strive to be the most perfect human who ever lived according to his present standard, but by the time you got there he would have moved the goalposts and you would be considered an abomination instead.

You can't win. The point of abuse is for him to win at all times.

It comes across in your post that he has taught you to blame yourself and feel ashamed. The mistakes you list are barely worth mentioning, much less deserving of the treatment you got in response. But as an abuser it is in his interests to convince you that you are at fault, you are the problem, and that is why he is mistreating you.

My main advice would be to do the Freedom Programme. You've identified significant areas of abuse, and FP can help you understand the bigger picture of how abuse works and how it's affected you. It will help you find clarity and certainty that you are not at fault or overreacting. It will help you realise all the other things he's done to abuse you that you've normalised or minimised or not noticed.

It will also show you what a healthy relationship looks like, and how somebody who genuinely loves you and cares about you would treat you (never, ever like your husband treats you, for starters - but it's more than that).

You can read about it here: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

There is an online version, but my recommendation would be that you go to a group if you can. It's an information course, not therapy. You can share things if you want to, but if you prefer you can just listen. You won't have to stand up in front of everyone and tell them your life story. It's not that kind of thing. But it is a very supportive environment, and I know I and many others have found encouragement, support and solidarity from the other women on the courses.

FP will never tell you what to do, they won't tell you that you have to leave. But if you ask them for help in leaving they will be able to signpost you.

If the advice you're hoping for is tips on how to change him, or tips on how to be more perfect, I am afraid that's not possible. Abusers do not change, and there is nothing you can do to stop him abusing you. It's something he chooses to do because it is the life he wants.

I'm really sorry for how he's treated you. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You can such a better life, but it won't happen while he's still in it. I wonder if you've posted here because you are realising that?

If you want to talk things through, Women's Aid can also help: 0808 2000 247. Just make sure you don't call when he's home and could interrupt you.

Gruffalina thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and be so kind and helpful. I have to admit for the most part I did post because I'm hoping I can fix it and get back to how we were. I have hoped for 2 years that this was a phase and one day soon I'll be able to show him that I am good enough and he will love me like he used to. That's really embarrassing looking at it written down. I want someone to tell me it will get better and I want to believe them.

I have been through so much just to be with him. He does admit that I look after him. And there are brief moments where I do feel loved by him and I see a glimpse of the relationship we used to have. But I'm just so tired.

I cannot add to the excellent advice you've received from Gruffalina. All I can say is that this:

He doesn't trust me anymore and can't talk to me because I've made lots of mistakes (trusted a friend to do something for me and she didn't come through, smoked a cigarette when I said I wouldn't smoke again, contacted his ex girlfriend after finding out they'd been in contact after lots of issues with her, checking his social media and finding messages to a woman and confronting him, emotionally deserting him when I was having mental health issues).

is a big huge neon red clanging alarm bell. NONE of those things are "your mistakes". They are reasonable reactions to a situation. Plenty of people sneak cigarettes. It's an addiction. It's ok. You contacted an ex after issues - no doubt stemming from his behaviour. You found messages to a woman. He was sending the messages. He was in the wrong. You emotionally deserted him when you were mentally ill. Where was his support of you? Where was his understanding? Illness like that can make you incapable of being emotionally involved. It's really hard for all concerned, but there's no fault there - it's an illness.
He is twisting and turning every situation, especially the ones where he is at fault, to make out you are somehow to blame. This is textbook EA.

And no Chica, it's not going to get better and he is not going to change. It will just get worse. The simple fact is with abusers - they do it because they can. They only stop when that is no longer the case - ie you have walked away from them. I'm so sorry.

Anastasia sometimes I am so sure that I'm within my rights to be upset about something and I speak to him expecting him to be sorry or to offer me an explanation but it never happens. I end up apologising and feeling guilty and confused about how I've got there.

By the way, if you're thinking it, you are not a terrible person. From reading your post you sound like someone who is caring and carries a lot of concern for other people.

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes; it saddens me how badly you have been treated and that at the end of it all you have been left feeling guilty and ashamed.

The only shame here belongs to him for abusing you.

I don't believe you're a bad mum, it's just something abusers use to hurt and frighten and control. But he is unequivocally a bad dad. Good parents do not abuse the other parent of their child.

If you were contemplating leaving, it honestly would be the greatest gift you could give your child - to grow up in a home free from abuse, with a mum who is free and able to be happy, who isn't being hurt. A home where they can be safe and learn what healthy relationships looks like, and that they, like you, deserve to be treated with respect.

Those glimpses, that (false) hope that if you just try a bit harder to be perfect life can be like that all the time, is how he keeps you there. It's how he stops you leaving. He knows if he drops those moments in occasionally it will keep you striving towards "fixing" yourself so he will behave better and life can be like that all the time.

I'm really sorry to say this, because I know it's not easy to hear, but those glimpses are part of his abusive tactics.

Somebody who did love you wouldn't be able to even contemplate abusing you.

I have been really isolated and he's often mentioned that it's difficult for him to be the only person I talk to because it can be very intense which is understandable. But I lost all my friends because of him. And now I'm trying to socialise with school mums he gets sulky about it. He says I've trusted the wrong people so I need to keep it friendly but not let them in. Sometimes I think he's looking out for me because I've been hurt a lot but sometimes i wonder if it's because he doesn't want someone telling me his behaviour is un reasonable. When I hear how other people's relationships are and the things they have playful arguments over that don't turn into a huge life changing deal I think to myself 'wow I could never do that'.

Feeling guilty and in the wrong all the time
Minimising his behaviour/covering for him
I was 'too senstive' if I got upset about something
Huge tantrums when I dared to challenge him
Threatened to leave me

It won't get better. Eventually you'll be walking on eggshells all the time to keep the peace. Except this won't be enough, because there'll be something else you've done wrong.

3 years on my stomach still lurches when I get a message from him and I still struggle to stand my ground and push back.

Oh potplant all of those things ring so true to me. How did you do it. I have really given him my whole life to the point where I feel he is my life I can't imagine what would be left if i was without him.

But I lost all my friends because of him. And now I'm trying to socialise with school mums he gets sulky about it
This too. I didn't have any friends that I don't know through him, because he refused to socialise with them. Or 'get stuck at work' when he was supposed to be back to look after the DCs.
I once stopped to chat in Tesco to a dad from school and he said to me that he didn't like me knowing people he didn't know. 'Just joking' obviously.

When I hear how other people's relationships are and the things they have playful arguments over that don't turn into a huge life changing deal I think to myself 'wow I could never do that'
And also me.

@Dayas

Your post could have been mine lovely. My ex was a control freak who managed to distance me from both friends and family. He would not speak to me for weeks and I would never know why until he’d eventually tell me. Two of the more memorable ones were where the water I was washing up in was too cold and once when I made home made mayonnaise which apparently was “going too far”. We eventually split up when I discovered his affair. When I met someone else he begged me to have him back but I’d seen the light by then. He is now married to the woman he had the affair with and by all accounts leads her a dogs life.

I’m sorry to say they don’t change. I was with him for 15 years and 7 years down the line I feel sick if he texts me regarding our son and my confidence is still affected. Please get away from him. I can tell you it wasn’t easy for me (violence and police involvement) but it’s by far the best thing I ever did.

I can't imagine what would be left if i was without him

The opportunity to build friendships and a beautiful, happy, stable life where you'd be loved and cared for and safe to make innocent human mistakes. Where you wouldn't be exhausted and afraid and filled with shame.

An opportunity you'll never have as long as he is there with his bulldozer and wrecking ball destroying any attempt you make to build something better.

It is scary, and it hurts. None of us will pretend it's easy. Long term though, is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Because I guarantee you if you stay with him your life will stay like this.

I viewed it as having to jump through flames to escape a burning building: for that short period where you're jumping through the flames it feels worse and more painful and scary than being trapped in the burning building, but once you're safely away from the fire you can start to heal and recover - which would be impossible if you remained inside that building and went up in flames with it.

I can't imagine what would be left if i was without him.

You would be left. You the real you, not the scared and emotionally beaten you that's being suffocated by the weight of him. The one you still are deep inside. Who can have fun again, and friends, and simple pleasures and say what you want and smoke all you like and grow old and wear purple.

It’s a red flag for me when a relationship is clearly not wonderful but only one side makes the effort to reflect learn and change. If it’s really one-sided it’s invariably the wrong side

What was his childhood like?

I would recommend you read The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Patricia Evans.

When I was in a similar relationship it affected me in all ways, I had to change who I was, I became anxious to the point my physical health suffered.

Emotional abuse is not rational, it is not something you do, it is about his deep seated issues that are triggered by normal relationship events.

You might find it helpful to look up trauma bonding and love bombing as well as the Freedom Programme. They sound pertinent to your experiences with him, and how you feel now about being so in love with this man who has abused you so cruelly.

Trauma bonding is essentially when the person who hurts you is also the person who comforts you from the pain they've caused you. It creates an intense bond that can feel extremely difficult to pull away from (which is why abusers do this). It's not the same as love.

Love bombing is what he was doing when he treated you "like a queen" in the very beginning - bombarding you with intense acts of attention and (imitations) of loving behaviour that are so intense and overwhelming it suffocates any critical thought or instincts warning you away from him. It's designed to stop you noticing how fast he's rushing you or the subtle ways in which he's already trying to control you.

It also lays the foundation for trauma bonding, and for you to believe him when he says his behaviour is your fault, ("look, it wasn't always like this, so it must be you making me do it"), so you'll accept it and change your own behaviour to try and get back to that fake loved up period in the beginning.

If you are physically safe, you don't have to rush yourself. Coming to terms with all this is a process. You need to be ready to take the next steps.

A lot of trauma in his childhood. I know a lot of his behaviour comes from pain. He has been through a lot. I did convince him to go to counselling last year and he went but it became another source of resentment that he had to go to counselling because he couldn't talk to his wife. He also thought he was too smart for his counsellor and stopped going.

I am not perfect. But whenever he tells me he's unhappy with something I do try to work on it. If I'm unhappy with something it becomes my issue for being too sensitive or feeling sorry for myself or not understanding how much ive hurt him.

You would be left. You the real you, not the scared and emotionally beaten you that's being suffocated by the weight of him. The one you still are deep inside. Who can have fun again, and friends, and simple pleasures and say what you want and smoke all you like and grow old and wear purple.

This with lots and lots of bells on.

You've all been so kind and understanding and clever and strong I can't tell you how grateful I am. I have heard of the freedom programme before but not exactly sure what it is. A course you go to?

I just left a relationship like this. You are not to blame and not a terrible person. [Flowers]

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You can do FP online, or in person. In person is 12 weeks, 2 hours per week. But you can stop and start and go back to it if you need to. Or repeat it again. The idea is that you just keep going with as many breaks as you need until you've covered all 12 sessions - each session covers a different topic. In person is free, online is £10.

They're a lovely bunch. Like I said it's information not therapy, but you might take therapeutic benefits from attending the group version.

When you visit the website you'll see they also have a phone line and an email address you can use to contact them. They are also on Twitter and can be DM'd.

Oh lovely I've been here. It's a horrible position to be in.

I thought to myself on so many occasions I'm going to go in here and tell him he's upset me and then within half an hour I'd be apologising to HIM. I honestly don't know how it happened. He was a master manipulator, I've never met anyone better at it.

One day I woke up and we had our usual argument involving him being physically intimidating and throwing objects at me (standard argument for us) and I just thought no. So I waited for him to go to work and I packed a suitcase and I've never looked back.

That was years ago now and I'm still trying to piece my confidence and self worth back together from the damage he did. He too came from a troubled childhood. His father was in prison for domestic violence towards his mother. He struggled so much with his demons. I still feel sorry for him now. But you need to put yourself first or you will end up hurt. It's okay to think of yourself. It's okay to say that enough is enough and leave when you feel safe to do so even if that has to be behind his back like I did.

It's tough. There will be moments when you waiver and consider going back at first. But once you get over that first hurdle of leaving for good you will be so much happier. You will start to feel like you again. Like a literal weight has been lifted.

Emotional abuse destroys you slowly. It changes everything you once were to the point you don't even recognize yourself. That's why he has you apologising for things you were sure were his fault and why you don't seem to be able to do anything right. He's making you doubt yourself until you don't even know up from down.

This is not okay and it is not normal. It's God damn hard when you're there living it to just get up and leave but please please for your sake consider it.

You can't win. The point of abuse is for him to win at all times.

This is a very good point. Plus, a very simple answer to your OP is:

You know it's emotional abuse when you feel like absolute crap specifically because of your relationship. No one is perfect BUT feeling low and worthless because of your partner is a problem.

Supporting and respecting you is the bare minimum a partner should do