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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Condoms in the Van....

7 replies

Peanutter37 · 06/07/2018 17:50

This is the first time I’ve ever posed a question on a forum, but I am so flabbergasted at the last few mo this I suppose I am looking for reassurance.
For 12 years I was with a highly controlling man, who also had a nasty temper and a vile mouth. Of course there were good times, but eventually the bad was overpowering the good. I was at the stage I couldn’t do anything right and everything in the relationship was blamed on me smoking weed.
The abuse ramped up after Xmas this year and I very nearly had a breakdown. Luckily I saw a counsellor and side stepped what I believe was a plan to destroy me, have me sectioned and take my children, and take all the family finances in the process.
In Feb whilst next to my husband in the van, I reached into the glove box for a mint, I pulled out a clear pouch with three unused condoms in it.
I looked at my husband “Er wtf?”
His slightly flummoxed reply was they were for wanking in the van before work...I was shocked, I didn’t really believe it. 5 mins later he was shouting abuse at me about other stuff.
After I left him a month later, he started to tell people I was a paranoid schizophrenic and these condoms were a paranoid delusion I had recalled, an event from 8 years ago when our son was born and he was using them then because we weren’t having sex. ( we have never used condoms in our relationship, and I was sterilised 6 years ago)
He has since involved social services by going into the children’s school to expose my cannabis use ( man also smokes and likes mdma, but obviously never mentioned that)
He told SOcial services in a meeting together, that I had planted them there myself as I was a highly manipulative woman with undiagnosed mental health issues.
My life has been turned upside down because I tried to break free from him. Friends have sided with him and a whole school playground are gossiping about my mental health.
Anyone been through similar who can just make me feel sane again?
As screaming the truth isn’t helping as no one wants to listen.

OP posts:
Sisgal · 06/07/2018 18:03

The truth always comes out in the end.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 06/07/2018 18:10

Ok forget the condoms or his lies. You have a battle ahead of you. You need to be focusing on being the best version of yourself for your DC. Are you in touch with women’s aid? Have you had any counselling? If not, get some. Quit the weed, see the GP for any mental health issues. Make it known to the school/social services/solicitor that you are addressing any and all possible concerns (unfounded or otherwise) right now, that it’s already in hand and being dealt with. Don’t engage or socialise with anyone who has taken his side.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 06/07/2018 18:29

Agree with Awomenisanadultfemalehuman. I'm sure it's awful hearing bad and untrue things circulating about yourself, but you need to focus on bettering yourself. Smoking weed isn't doing your mental health any favours in the long-term, and if things continue to get nasty you might be asked/made to take a drugs test by courts. The sooner you get off it, the better. Social services and the courts only really care about your ability to parent your DC, they won't really care if your ex cheated. Keep up the counselling, focus on the positives as you go through all of this and try not to dwell on the past. You're so much better off without him.

Yankeescot · 06/07/2018 18:43

Oh OP so sorry you're going through this as I've been there myself with my gaslighting twat of an EXH. True gaslighting is fecking brutal, and mine mirrors yours i.e, telling all of my friends and mutual couple friends how I was imagining I saw this, imagining I found that etc in relation to his affairs. Sending texts to my friends how very worried he was that my mental health is suffering as I keep imagining shit. Which of course wasn't the case. It's been 10 years since I divorced him and my blood pressure is rising just typing this. In the end, I was able to prove that no actually I didn't imagine any of it (10 years of marriage and for 5 of it he was trying to convince others I was imagining things and need to be admitted to mental health etc etc) It was through a complete fluke of circumstance that I was able to prove that but what's important for you is your kids. Fortunately that wasn't an issue for us but is for you.

You need to take action NOW! Put the weed down and start getting shit worked out in relation to you and them. NOW! He will be running a charm offensive to Social Services and when these cruel arses run that charm offensive, it can be scary how they try and come off like an innocent wounded victim. You're going to have to walk away from some people you thought were friends because that's going to happen. You need support from someone you can trust. He will have turned a lot of people against you already, and it will get worse. The truth will come out in the end to the only people that matter. These guys are so flamin skilled at gaslighting. And it's scary how their brains work.

My heart goes out to you but now is the time to take action for the kids and get pissed off at him. Put that weed away and don't get sucked in by him. He will run that charm offensive on you too. Don't fall for it. It's a smokescreen to make things worse.

Big hug doll, stay strong!!!

Peanutter37 · 06/07/2018 22:42

Thank you all.
I stopped smoking immediately. I’m now a month clear.
SS, do appear to be on my side, and see what he is doing, and Women’s Aid have been amazing.
Thankfully I did contact police, doctor, and school myself when I left but my best friend (who I think the condoms were for) who I trusted fed him back lots of info at the time which has been really awful and damaging.
I have no doubt he will be still collecting evidence.
I was presented with court papers on my doorstep as he tried to file a child protection order on me. He presented 70 pages of evidence at court trying to frame me as an awful everything, my solicitor said it was abnormal and the most bollox application she had ever seen (her words!)
He really is a piece of work and I’m now paranoid for a reason!!
His case was thrown out as such and I got residency with a standard contact arrangement for him.
Back to court on 25th of this month.
I referred myself to a psych team who said in their report nothing is wrong with me just a woman who went through a traumatic break up leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. My counsellor also counselled him last year briefly when we went as a couple- and had him down as a narcissist.
I’ve never been depressed, psychotic or crazy.
I was being totally gaslighted by him and my friend. She was going round telling people I was having a breakdown!! Omg. I’m a loving hippy- how did this happen?!?
I have discovered he moved shares in the business last year back from my name to his without my consent, or if I did sign something, I did not know what I was agreeing to.
He had a plan to get rid of me.
I have a good lawyer thankfully.
Just a total nightmare💔

OP posts:
NotAnotherHeffalump · 07/07/2018 08:15

Aw OP, I wish I could reach out and give you a hug! Well done for taking such positives steps, you're doing amazingly well. It really sounds like a very hard time you're going through. It's fantastic that you've stopped smoking weed. It's onwards and upwards from here!

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 07/07/2018 12:42

brilliant! You’re doing so well. People can see right through him, they can. They can see this for what it is. Have faith and keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing all the right things. Glad you have a great lawyer. Any chance you can sue him for the stolen shares?

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