How often do you see in laws?

[Larkascends]

Sorry for this long post....
My boyfriend and I are having a really difficult time at the moment. His dad died 15 months ago, a month after he passed away I became pregnant and we now have a lovely baby.
We've been together for 15 years, I've always struggled with his parents for various reasons but he's always been on good terms with them. We used to see them several times a year but now his dad's died we see his mum up to three times a week.
I know it sounds horrible but I can't cope, his mum really winds me up, we have totally opposing views on most things and it's really strained between us.
We are moving to a new area later this year and I've requested that his mum only comes to stay one weekend every other month, and he goes there in between.
He is absolutely furious about this and wants her to stay at least every few weeks.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to see her so much, she is exhausting to be around and I just want to be happy and enjoy our baby.
The last five years I've looked after my bf whilst he had a long term illness, then I supported him through his dad's illness, now I'm expected to support his mum. I really need some time out and some happiness
Am I just being selfish?

Could you manage a weekend a month? Set dates and no other times? I know it's hard but she is his mum and he's not long lost his dad. One weekend a month gives you plenty of time to enjoy your baby and be a family and it's a fair compromise. I'd be gutted if my H said my mum could only.visit every other month (although as we live so far apart it's actually less than but that's beside the point!). I appreciate how draining it must be for you and how much support you've given your OH over the years but it's not a finite pot or an equal tally. She needs him and I imagine he feels he needs to support her since the loss of his dad so I think you need to compromise a bit here.

In regards to your thread title, I see the in-laws at least twice a week but they help with childcare. I'm also in the very fortunate and seemingly rare situation in that I adore my in laws. They are local to us and have been surrogate parents to me over the years as mine are a 2 hour drive away. I'm aware how lucky I am but I do understand how you feel as even with our close relationship, I can feel a bit like they are (unintentionally) intruding.

Well, until recently we hadn’t see her at all for 2 years (we were NC for very good reasons), but before that and since, maybe once every 2-3 months. She lives 1.5 hours from us. My mum lives abroad, similarly we see her about 3-4 times a year (though a week at a time, she stays with us, MIL has never stayed with us).

Three times a week is too much, I think. With small children, we barely get a moment to sit in peace and see each other three times a week! I think one weekend every 2 months would be reasonable if you have your weekends free (aren’t working other weekends). But more than that is too much. He has his own family now who have to come first and moving away maybe isn’t the right thing if this is the only way to cope with not seeing her constantly.

Thank heavens you are moving to a new area. MIL is massively overstepping the mark. Three times a week when you used to see her several times a year!? I'm assuming your partner is an only child? I have had similar issues with my in-laws in the past as DH is an only child. They couldn't seem to understand I married their son, not them! It was suffocating, I was constantly criticized (via DH, they never said anything to my face) for not making them feel welcome, not being friendly enough etc. They thought they would pull me into line (they are very dominant) but I'm not a pushover and I went no contact for a while, until they understood that they did not get to call the shots in my marriage. They still constantly guilt trip my husband (he sees them twice a week) but it's water off a duck's back for me. What gets me is don't these people have lives of their own? How come they are always available?! My children are adult now, and trying to synchronise diaries so we can meet up is tricky as we all lead busy lives- and we actually want to see each other!

Thanks for the replies, it's really helpful.
My bf does feel he should be her rock and support her through this which is very admirable..... But it's putting a lot of strain on him and on our relationship.
For years and years our plan has been to move to Scotland but we put it on hold when he became ill, then again when his dad became ill and now he's decided we can't go at all as his mum needs him, so we're moving just two hours away. I feel pretty angry about that, but he is absolutely adamant that we must live within easy reach of his mum.
I love my baby but it was him that really wanted to start a family and I agreed on the provisos that we could finally make our move, he agreed on this but later changed his mind (when I was several months pregnant). I'm pretty angry about that too!

How will these weekends be structured?

Will she stay 3 nights / 72 hrs Fri to Mon - or arrive Sat pm and depart after breakfast on Sun am?

What are you plans when she is with you? Could you go out - leave her with DH and DC?

He can go there in between, it’s not like you’re forbidding him to see her.

Could you agree to extra weekends on the premise that DH does all childcare and ‘hosting’ so you can spend some time going out, seeing friends or catching up on sleep?

This happened to me too! When we first married DH was offered a job in New Zealand, I was so excited and so was he, and then he started coming up with reasons we couldn't move. Long story short, it boiled down to "What about mum and dad?" I was furious and said "One day you are going to turn around and say 'We should have moved to New Zealand when we had the chance', and when you do I'm going to divorce you!" Well about 10 years ago he did turn around and say we should have moved, and I said "Do you remember what I said all those years ago?" We made a joke of it, but we both regret it massively. We sacrificed ours and our DC's future because of his mothers tears and his father's anger, and then a few years later they started talking about moving to Spain (they didn't, unfortunately)!!

My PILs are somewhat difficult. I find a couple of hours every few months on neutral territory works for us, and we're trying to establish a weekend away once per year.

DH is free to go as often as he wants (tellingly, he doesn't!).

Tell your DH he's welcome to visit his mum anytime, but stick to your guns on her visits to you.

Have you considered telling him you and the baby are moving to Scotland, with or without him, as promised.

There are 3 people in your marriage by the sounds of it, and you don't get a vote as to how your life is going to be lived. And he's reneged on his promise, in spite of you taking care of him through an awful lot, and now you have to essentially cater to his mum who you don't get along with?

he's married to you. Not his mum. I'd lay it out for him.

You don’t owe your MIL (or anyone) anything and neither does your DH. Sounds like she’s having trouble grieving or dealing with loneliness if she needs so much contact which is sad, but that’s her responsibility to sort out, not yours or your DH’s. (Speaking as a widow!) The longer you pander to her the more drawn out her adjustment period will be to her new life and the more you’ll both ultimately resent her and the choices you’ve missed out on. It’s hard to break ties but I’d say do what you both want to do, and your DH should see her as much as he’s able to around that (and around his commitments to you and your DC which should obv come first).

Your partner is a moron who is still attached to his mother's breast

This sort of thing is only ever said about men. I've noticed it's far more acceptable for a woman to be close to her mum.

I agree that three times pw is a lot but are we talking about a full-day visit or her popping in for half an hour?

I have several friends who are widowed so I suppose I am seeing this from the other side, and think you sound rather heartless. Six weekends out of 52 sounds mean to me, and I think you will concede that point should you find yourself in her position in the future.

You’ll always come second to everything and everyone else for him.
You need to put yourself first.

I've been in your shoes. My FIL died in a car accident 7 months after DH and I got married. I was also giving my DSis support as she was going through a divorce having got out of an abusive marriage.

We couldn't see my MIL often because we lived a long way from her, but she used to speak to my DH for an hour every evening, and it was draining. He was also the one handling everything for her, as my BIL and SIL had recently had a baby and they had 3 DC of 3 and under.

MIL also became obsessed with blaming the police for not prosecuting the other driver, because she couldn't accept that FIL had pulled out without checking his blind spot. I knew this because the case was being handled by the solicitor I worked for and I typed most of the letter.

My MIL also threatened several times to throw herself under a car. It was just as well we didn't live near her as I don't know whether our marriage would have survived. I felt like a right cow sometimes; I tried to be supportive but I was drained. We were also going through infertility at the time.

I remember a conversation we had not long after the accident. A wise friend who had been a widow for some years said in a letter to us that MIL had a long, lonely road ahead of her. DH said that it was our job to make sure she wasn't lonely. I pointed out that he couldn't stop that, as he was her DS and couldn't fill the gap that her DH had left in her life.

And, like you, I've always struggled to get on with my MIL, as we are so different. (She's almost fanatically pro Brexit for starters.) But she has come through her grief and she's a lovely Grandma to our 2 DDs. (We adopted eventually.)

Maybe that's how your DH feels? You do need to talk honestly to him about this, as this resentment will eat away at you if you don't.

Thank you all so much for your replies, even the one calling me heartless. Its all really helping me to reflect.
The real trouble is that my bf hasnt grieved at all for his dad because he's focused all his thoughts and attention on his mum. It's as though by focusing on her, he doesn't have to process his own feelings. Her grief is totally overwhelming for her and my bf. I really feel so sad for her and I know it's still early days but our baby is here now and needs our love and focus now. Our relationship has suffered so much over the years from my bfs illness and I've not really given myself any thought.
I know it's selfish but i'm determined to put myself first...... Maybe.

My PIL lived 2 1/2 hrs away in Yorkshire and we used to se3 them about once every 6-8weeks. When both DH an£d SIL were living here- Northumberland- and both were married and had DC, PIL decided to move up here (bringing Dh's grandma with them).

I was not at all comfortable about it. My parents are dead and my grandparents, I am an only child and had never had a family around me the way DH's family are together. DH and I had had years alone just do8ng whta we liked. Then his sister moved up here and I liked that. PIL, who I like very much and get on with, I was not a# keen on. I could see weekends being taken over with family events, them dropping in , us dropping in, invitations that couldn't be refused, expectations.

I was wrong. It has been really nice. We see them a couple of times a week - often just briefly for a coffee or half an hour. They babysit and help us. They love their grandchildren and DC love them. They have their own activities and are making friends and getting involved in things locally. Grandma has a new lease of life and adores her GGC as well as being able to see DH and SIL much more.

When they lived in Yorkshire everything was arranged and full-on because they were stay-over visits. We went for 3 days or they came up for a week or whatever. We stayed in each other's houses. Now it is just normal life. So MIL and I went to the local cinema the other night, walked there had a double G and T, saw film and walked home. She turned off to their road and I walked on to our house. No pressure, just a couple of hours out of our day.

Your MIL coming to stay will add pressure to meetings. You might be better being near enough that she can go home, or you can. A 3 day visit is 72 hours. If she lived locally you would spend nowhere near that amount of time with her over a month and could limit i5 to an hour drop in on her and then leave. DH could call in on his way home from work or take her to the supermarket or have his tea with her. Much less pressure. She's his mum. Don't make him feel you don't want him to see her.