Not sure what to expect

[daisy1501]

Hi all, totally new to this just joined because I need some advise from outside my box.. a little about me , I left my husband of 18 years nearly two years ago, I walked away from the marriage due to years of drink and it got to the point of no point and I didn't love him I began to hate myself for feeling this way... long story short he wouldn't leave our council rented home and because we were joint tenants I had to take out a occupation order which took 6 mths of Living with my mum with our 2 children. After that finalised I applied for divorce all of which the costs came down to me which has basically wiped out what money I had aside for a rainy day. I met a wonderful man that is 10 years older than me.. I have fallen in love him and he's a delight He feels like he's that part that was missing to me, he has supported me emotionally,he has helped manually make my house my home again after my ex done damage to material things and my kids get on great with him. We've been together 14 mths .. we spend every spare moment we have together and both are very happy. I receive no benefits apart from ctc and I can't afford the luxuries of holidays but I do what I can to have time with his daughter and my two like go fishing etc.. he asked several times about going away abroad but I just can't afford 2k I haven't got it, I have told him that yet he dont know what my income is as that's my business, my friend keeps saying wouldn't he pay for you and that just leaves you the kids to save for.. is that wrong? Having been in a marriage and everything being shared now to being on my own financially I have no clue what a 'partner ' should and could do.. I know if shoe was on the other foot I wouldn't hesitate to pay for him ..or is my friend popping things in my head to get me thinking, the only other thing I think about is I cook most of the meals but when I'm at work hel bring a light meal around, but I have noticed my shopping going up as I'm buying extra meat etc.. I think I'm basically asking what you think as I can't talk to anyone thank you x

Hi OP. I think it very much depends on the individual. I think you definitely need to be open and honest about the fact you can't afford that amount of money for a holiday. I think his response would give you the answer to your question. He may well offer to pay for you as a couple and you pay for the kids or he may suggest somewhere more affordable. I personally wouldn't ask him to pay for you directly however but I certainly would be expecting that the holiday, wherever you choose to go, be split down the middle equally and not just him paying for himself and you paying for the rest. If he refused to go halves I'd just say that you can't go.

I would add that if he refused to go halves then that would be a red flag for if you ever lived together. I have been with my new partner for 18 months and when we are out with my kids we are pretty equal about paying for things but When we go out just the two of us he pays for everything. We are going on holiday next year and it is being split down the middle and he will probably take more spending money as he has more disposable income (no kids of his own). So I don't think your friend is completely out of order for thinking he should be helping you out. I'd just not ask him directly

Thank you , you've both been really helpful, I have spoke to him and said it's not reachable for me, I feel quite embarrassed saying it to him but I can't do what I can't do , I said I'd like him to go away with his daughter (who is currently away Abroad with her friend)for some chill time as he works hard and deserves chill time, and he said his chill time is with me and won't go away without me , so what can I do ? hel have to enjoy my back garden then . As for the red flags , it does pass my mind every now and then as I always offer to pay half on meals on the rare occasion we go out and he always takes it ... I think I need to keep a eye on this , not that I want someone to pay for everything but a treat every now and then would be nice ..

I wouldnt ask him to pay for me or my children, nor would i want him to.
I would simply say i couldnt afford it and suggest ideas i could afford. There are lots of things you could do instead.
I also wouldnt have a problem with paying (and him accepting half of ) meals etc if we were out for food etc. In fact i would probably be insulted if he didnt and treated me like the little woman who needed treating.
It is nice to be treated on birthdays or 'let me take you out for a dinner, my treat' ocassions and i think this is normal in a relationship, but its a two way street and usually is done by both parties involved.
So im not sure why being happy for you to pay your share is a red flag on his part.
The way i see it is we cant have it both ways, expect and demand equality but then get a bit insulted when we still arent 'treated' or are asked to pay our way.
I would be concerned if he was eating at mine svery night and not contributing to food though. Maybe its time to point out how now youre on your own you have to be careful with your shopping budget. You dont need to go into details, i would just ask him what he wants for dinner next time he comes over and maybe throw it into a text asking if he could pop into tescos and pick up a few bits for the meal on his way over.
You said he doesnt know the details of your financial situation as you dont want to discuss it with him, so im assuming you dont know the ins of outs of his which is why i wouldnt assume he can afford to help you further regarding the holiday, but in all honesty i wouldnt accept someone paying for my children or me (especially in this scenario when its all quite early and you dont live together) so splitting it halfway wouldnt work for me and i dont think he should be asked to either. I would just do some talking and some research about other, more affordable options.

You need to be honest about what you're earning and what you can afford. You can't do without or your children without because of him.

@daisy1501

I agree it is a tricky situation to navigate and obviously is very dependant on dynamics of individual relationships. All you can do is be very open and honest about what you can and can't do and he needs to be understanding and respectful of that.

If he is unprepared to split the cost that is obviously his choice and prerogative which is why I would never suggest asking him to pay. But if he doesn't want to split it he will likewise have to accept you either don't go away or you go somewhere more cost efficient that you can afford.