Too Much Water Under The Bridge?

[HattoriHanzo]

Just that really.
Is anyone else in a relationship but feels that events of the past are weighing down the present - and future? 'Forgive and forget' are old (often valid) chestnuts, but I'm discovering that despite 'forgiving', 'forgetting' is impossible. Especially when ramifications from the things 'forgiven' still exist/continue/are undeniable - so that you could not 'forget' anyway. Maybe I haven't forgiven really, I don't know.
I have 2 DCs with my partner. Increasingly I wonder if there is any future to our relationship. Decisions he has made in the past mean we don't live together and I see little prospect of this. We aren't engaged or married. Again a result of his choices, and I've actually realised that while I would like these things, I don't now think I'd want them with him now. We met 19 years ago and because of the ups and downs we haven't built a home, a history a real life together. I feel cheated. Angry at him for his choices. Now angry with myself.
Of course I realise I'VE made choices (to try and move on, give it another go) so I'm not saying it's all on him. However, I've never made a choice that deeply hurt or rejected him. The same isn't true in reverse. But I'm not sure I made the right choices. I want a life I don't think he can give me. I have tried and do love him, but there are things I just can't get over - BECAUSE our whole trajectory is different to before and I often feel 'I didn't sign up for this'.
Anyone else?
Anyone been here and stayed? Or left?

Thanks in advance to anyone who replies. I love Mumsnet, and often read but never post.
I couldn't think of a better place to ask. My RL is kinda lonely.

You sound like you want to break up and move on, maybe read what you've written out loud and listen to yourself. That's your answer

Oh OP you do sound sad.

I'm not really sure I understand completely what your situation is but it's clear it's not making you happy.

Why don't you live together if you don't mind me asking? (And I am not going to judge you on that - my DP of 5 years and I don't live together because we both have homes with ou respective kids)

I get you
That's me and my ex other than we were together 4yrs
Never lived together because he was in debt and chose a life I didn't agree with
I always thought it was because he didn't love me enough
He still tried now to get back in contact and I often miss him and love him but I know he won't change
I often think there must be better men out there who don't hurt and hurt time over
No advice really just that I feel your pain
I'm single and trying to move on
I left, can't say I'm happier I wish I could say I was but deep down I'm still heartbroken
Sending hugs x

Big hugs to you. My mum often said to me the two saddest words are "if only" - she's not wrong.
Bear in mind that whatever resentment and dissatisfaction you feel now, it will be compounded year on year as each year of your life speeds by. If you wish now you'd made changes in the past, do your future self a favour and start making those changes. It's not too late to change your trajectory but you have to take matters into your own hands. He has made choices which have had a major impact on you, but you have the power of making the choice of no longer accepting those choices.
Your post just screams that it is time to move on.
Practically speaking, if you live separately and are not married, breaking up is relatively easier than shared assets.
Emotionally, it's never easy no matter what stage you're at. But if you genuinely feel this strongly I guarantee in 5 years you will look back and thank yourself for doing it.

Thank you all so much.
Yes Trinity I thought that when I re-read my post. Hadn't realised it sounded like that out loud...
I do feel sad Practice. Silly, wishful thinking that life had been different. No I don't mind you asking at all - just thought it might be too long winded in my first post. We lived together for a couple of years just before and during being pregnant with DC1 and for nearly a year afterwards. He then left, went back to his ex and had another DC (they already had 2 older). We got on with our respective lives and haven't lived together since. She passed away 6 years ago, and we've been back together for 4. I don't think I want to live with him now. He might, but has his other children to consider whom he's now solo parenting. Our eldest is not keen on a Brady- Bunch household either which I feel bad about yet completely understand. I have also never wanted to be a live in stepmum which I may be flamed for but it's only the truth. His older children would come every weekend when we lived together which I was fine with and was what they'd been doing before we even met. I always feel like second pick (because I was/am) and the truth is he never really left her - despite claiming for years he wanted to. Yes that old story - and it fell on my deaf-getting-on-with-life ears. I wish I'd just never looked back or given a second chance despite being glad we went on to have DC2.
rockstarchick I'm sorry you're heartbroken. Thank you for the empathy and hugs to you too. My partner's been great since we got back together in lots of ways, but in lots of ways he just can't change the past give me enough. And yes I knew the situation when we had DC2. I just didn't think I'd feel so... empty.
Anastasia I am terrified of regretting my choices - I already do in a way. And you are right about the resentment because I didn't feel like this when we got back together. Over time I just feel what rockstarchick said. He didn't love me enough.

Not sure how these threads work having never posted but thought I'd ask a couple more questions while mine isn't too old and maybe someone else will see it. Thanks again to everyone who replied before.

Was just wondering if anyone has actually had similar experiences to mine? Or if it's as unusual a set up as it feels to me? I'm starting to feel noone would/could endure my situation - I couldn't find anything remotely similar before posting and wonder if people read my last post and thought 'What??!!' Is it as unorthodox a situation as I feel?
BitOutOfPractice - could I ask you if you are happy with your dual home set up? (which makes perfect sense of course) Do you envisage living together one day? I think I'd feel different/better in your situation than mine where I feel like a runner up booby prize.
Thanks again.

I've not been in your situation OP but I'm a stepmum and moved out of the family home for a couple of years due to the pressure. DH and I were still very much a couple, just living separately. I moved back home once the tension settled down but tbh I'd still have my own place if I could afford it. My living arrangements raised a few eyebrows but I wanted to do whatever was necessary to get through that stormy time.

It does sound as though your DP never really moved on from his Ex and it was only her passing away that made the decision for him to get back with you. I would say your particular set-up isn't doing you any favours, not the living apart as such, but it seems he was never ready/in a position to be in another relationship, and still isn't - a mix of valid reasons to do with his DC, and other reasons i.e. not got over his ex. It comes across in your posts that you are living for a tomorrow that will never come i.e where he will one day make you feel loved and cherished even if physically living apart - you've earned it, right? But sadly you'll only get that by being brave enough to leave. This man will never be able to give you what you need.

Thank you ACats. I know the 'raised eyebrows' thing all too well. For me it's humiliating. I too think he may still have been with her if she were still here because I cannot comprehend why else it was taking him so long to leave. That has become more of an issue rather than less of an issue over time. For me anyway.
I feel like I've put years of love in and got very little in return. May I ask why you'd prefer your own place? I admit there are times I like it just myself and my DCs, but not the reasons why it's like this or the notion that it could still be like this in 10 years. I can't see why it won't be either....

Hello again OP. Of course I don't mind you asking.

Yes I am very happy with the dual home set up. I know it's best for all of our kids who are settled in their respective schools (25 miles apart) and all live very close to their other parent (we both co-parent amicably with our exes). And because I know it's not permanent and we'll live together when the kids are off our hands. In fact we've been living together for 5 months while he's moving house and that's worked really well. I don't feel like an option. I feel like I'm in a relationship with a grown up who quite rightly is taking his parental responsibilities seriously. We are together as much as possible and he treats me always with love and respect.

I agree it sounds like he's never moved on from his ex. In fact it sounds like he never really left her.

I would find your situation intolerable too. I don't think it's tenable to be honest.

@HattoriHanzo I'd prefer my own place because I like my own space and I find sharing it with four DSCs very tough. And before anyone says it, no I had no idea what I was getting into dating a man with kids! I had an abusive childhood then moved pretty much straight in with my similarly abusive exH. My DH is a truly lovely man but I need my home to be my sanctuary, to feel emotionally safe and warm, and I couldn't tolerate living in a bad atmosphere caused by raging teen hormones (we all got on fine before then and we all get on fine now, although I'd still prefer my own place until they've flown the nest).

Regarding what you said "I feel like I've put years of love in and got very little in return" - you need to google "sunken costs fallacy." My relationship with my DH survived despite living apart, not because of it. We were/are a solid partnership in the first place. Seems like BitOutOfPractice has a similarly solid foundation. From what you're saying OP your partner either can't or doesn't want to give you that. It'll hurt loads but I really think you need to set yourself free from someone who can give you that shared life together.

Have you thought about having some counselling on your own? Or together?

To me it seems The main problem here is not the living arrangements, which sound sensible in the circumstances, but that you don’t believe he would be with you if she had not died.
I must admit that might be a hard thing to try and reconcile in your life. So I think you really need to talk it through and work out the fear vs the reality and then work out the best course of action for you. And only for you.

Thanks Practice and ACats. Both your situations seem way more realistic and 'liveable' than mine. And you're right ACats - built on more solid foundations. I totally get the 'sunken costs' and agree it's a fallacy. I meant summing everything up, I think I deserve something more - and agree that I've arrived here because I'm doubting if I'll ever get it from him. Noone can turn back time but I'm not scared of a different future. Not enough to stay the same and just 'see what happens' for another 19 years...
eightfaces I have had counselling for other things and funnily enough despite being very open to this kind of approach I don't feel like counselling together would help. Probably because as you correctly mention, I doubt anything could be said at this point that would explain his choices to me. It seems the only logical explanation is that he had made his choice and simply went to Plan B (me) after she died.
It's a heartbreaking thing to know believe.

Thank you all for so kindly offering your advice and insights.

It’s a very tough situation for you. I really feel for you. But you do deserve to be loved properly and not to be plan B.
I don’t think anyone here on the internet can tell you if you are just plan B, but if he makes you feel like you are, then there lies the heart of the problem

Op I think it's right me to have a proper think about what you want. Not what he wants. Or what situation you've drifted into. And then work towards that.