Feeling alone numb and rejected

[EllieJW]

Hi
I'm new here and I just don't know where to turn or what to do, I wonder if anyone can give me any advice, help or just listen... maybe someone will have experienced the same.
Anyway.... I have been with my HB for 21 years (I'm 39 he's 46) married for 12 - 3 children 18-15-13.
He has always been good husband trustworthy and doting, I always felt special and loved until about 18 months 2 years ago... something changed and I don't know what (I am almost 100% sure not an affair).

He stopped noticing me and didn't compliment me or say anything nice - sex started to get less and less (he has never had a massive sex drive compared to me - but we managed to make it work). We had an adventurous SL.

But recently he has not been able to perform (as such) and has lost almost all interest - I have asked if its because he doesnt find me attractive (as Ive felt hurt) but he said no.

Anyway - I caught him masturbating to teen porn 3 times recently - even in his work van before coming home (knowing that I was there waiting and missing having sex). It turns out that he has been regularly doing this when I am not around or he is in his van.

I am shocked and so sad, I feel rejected and unattractive and its made me feel verystrange in our marriage - I almost resent him for denying me something I love and then satisfying himself secretly.

It has caused such rows and bad feeling and I'm unsure how and if we can get through it?

Any help advice - anything would be great - I do not know where to turn.

Thanks

Hi Ellie,

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I have been going through something similar and found my husband has been watching a particular type of porn in secret also.

I think lots of people would be absolutely fine with this and I'm sure you'll get a wide spectrum of views and experiences. For me, I see it as destructive to the intimacy of my relationship and it also made me feel rejected and unattractive - same as you. We were always clear on what place porn had in our marriage, which makes the breach of trust difficult in such a long and happy marriage.

It also opened a can of worms and I found out about secret relationships (just friendships I think) with people whose messages he had been deleting.

What did he say when you had the rows? Have you managed to make any sense of your feeling that he was withdrawing from you?

I don't have any advice, but sending you support.

Saddest thing is for me, porn was used in our sex life - something we watched and enjoyed together... but there were always boundarys and to be quite honest - the porn itself isnt such an issue - it the hiding it and doing it when we are struggling with our sex life and I am pleading for more intimacy. Its the lies and the weirdness - I actually believed for almost 20 years that he would never lie to me or deceive me or keep anything underhand from me.... I was SO wrong - and the fact that its teen porn - obviously the complete opposite to me gets him off - I dont!!!

I just feel like calling it a day - he gets so aggressive when I question him too, I hate it - I will not trust him again and I doubt I will ever believe a word he says.

The age difference (early days) is absolutely nothing to worry about - this I do believe.

I'm angry at the years I've spent wanting more regular intimacy, being rejected and feeling like shit - only for him to then be w&nking himself to death whilst I'm at home feeling ugly old and past it. I resent the fact that he withheld me having the sex life I dreamed of - yet was doing what he liked!

Anybody else been in these type of situation?

I don't think it matters much the type of porn but rather he is addicted to it and it's ruining your marriage.

Not sure what to tell you because he isn't going to stop. Only you can decide if that's something you are willing to tolerate or not.

Yes I agree - I dont think he will stop ever either.
He has lied and been so selfish and deceitful - it has turned my stomach - I thought I knew him...