Husband stuck in politics of matriarchy

[YummySushi]

My husband has been amazing, made so many compromises to make sure I’m happy... especially with his family .

But I feel bad, sorry for him. His mother used to love him as a golden child. But she expects this matriarchical system where I must abide by her and look up to her and tolerate bullshit from her... and I backed away when I noticed her expectations grew unrealistic the more I gave her attention..

She is now blackmailing DH, withdrawing love and affection for small reasons based on what I do. Her opinion is that if he pressured me to obey his mother I would’ve.. she confuses respect with obedience ( she is a different culture but educated and doesn’t have that matriarchal relation with her own mil).

I feel bad for him. Feels like my actions have a negative impact on him. He hasn’t blamed me or pressures me or said anything.

Basically his mum is refusing to answer his calls and I believe it’s becahde she wants the call to come from me... But I’m not giving in

Wwyd

Well you can't give in can you? Where would it end?

Maybe your husband should stop calling her? Might make her recognise she's risking losing him all together?

Agree with above. Although turning the tables may not have the desired affect or outcome MIL is not a person used to reflecting on or reviewing her actions and attitude.

Stop feeding her attention... completely back off and she will come round... if she doesn’t would you actually want to have a relationship with her?

correction: ...not have the desired affect or outcome if MIL is not a person used to...

None of this is your fault. You are not responsible for what is happening to your dh - his abusive mother is. You can't give in or she will be controlling your lives forever - best thing you can do is withdraw and allow your dh to withdraw too. Don't encourage him to contact her or make peace. If she wants a relationship with him, she will have to behave. If she continues to behave nastily, I advise that you cut contact.

Off topic I know and genuinely not trying to be bossy but what is with the use of all these ellipses?

Goady, not bossy!

Feels like my actions have a negative impact on him

No, his mum's behaviour has a negative impact on him. Not your fault.

Your DH is bogged down in feelings of Fear, Obligation and guilt (FOG) towards his mother which makes it almost impossible for him to speak against her. You, however, have no FOG and should draw a line beyond which you won't cross.

Maybe get your DH to read about FOG and see how you might be able to help him deal with his mother in a better way. There are a lot of websites on the subject, it may be worth a google.

Good luck.