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Original poster

34 weeks and feeling threatened by boyfriends female friend...

27 replies

FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 09:57

Hi,

I'm not sure if this is hormones making me more sensitive than usual but if not then I'm not sure what I should do about this and really need some advice.

I'm 24 yo and am 34 weeks pregnant with my boyfriend and myself's first child. He is 29 and we have been together for just over a year.
He has always had a female friend since I've known him and she is 42... apparently they know each other through work from a company he worked for more than 3 years ago and she has helped him through troubles and difficult times in his previous relationship. He has said that they used to flirt a bit through text when they first started getting to know each other but that soon stopped and they don't see each other in that way at all, he's said she could put it out on a plate for him and he would think it was weird...
I don't think that there is anything sexual going on but I really just don't want to be made a mug of, I've been cheated on in the past so his closeness with her really makes me feel vulnerable and I think he is sick fed up of seeing me be upset about it, he said last time that it's beginning to really annoy him that I don't trust him so I've sort of just shut up about it.

They text from morning till night constantly and the reason I know this is because he has his own text tone for her, as he does for me and his mum. They have went out for drinks without me quite a lot (I can't exactly drink at the moment), they are going out tomorrow to watch the football and have a few drinks while I am having my baby shower and they are also going out next Sunday to watch the football and have a few drinks while I'm not sure what I'll be doing. He gives her lifts to places if she's going out for drinks, e.g. the other night she was going on a date so he nipped out to drop her off to the place she was meeting the guy.
I've met her on a few occasions and met her daughter twice, I'm always nice enough and chat away when I see them as I don't want to be rude.
She is split up from her XH and doesn't have a partner so maybe she's just lonely but I really don't see what their obsession is with each other, I just don't understand it.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can make myself feel more comfortable with this?

OP posts:
pissedonatrain · 06/07/2018 10:15

That's the downside of getting involved and pregnant quickly with someone you barely know. The bad and annoying things plus odd relationships don't show up until after you've known someone a good while; a year at least.

You've told him how you feel about it. He doesn't care. You can't force someone to change.

LyndseyKola · 06/07/2018 10:23

They sound like just good friends. Would you have an issue with any of this behaviour if she was a man?

The texting from morning until night sounds a bit much but then again I wouldn’t do that with anyone, and some people just like to be in touch.

Do you trust him? I must admit when I saw how long you’d been together and how far into your pregnancy you are I put two and two together and realised you must only have been together a few months before getting pregnant, is that right? If so I can understand a bit more why you feel like this. You’re vulnerable as you’re pregnant with a man you barely knew before getting pregnant, which makes it suddenly very serious and difficult to extricate yourself, it’s a lot of pressure knowing you’re tied to him one way or another for life.

So if you don’t trust him I don’t blame you, you can’t trust someone completely so soon, but unless he’s given you reason to distrust him I think you’re just gonna have to do the best you can to act as if you do trust him. As if you don’t, and he’s done nothing wrong, you’ll just pull the relationship to pieces. And whether you trust him or not isn’t gonna be what makes him faithful or a cheat, if he wants to cheat he will do either way. So you’ve nothing to lose by trusting him.

It might make things easier to spend more time with her yourself. She has kids, you’re a new parent, maybe you can go to her for advice on being a new mum? If she’s such a close friend to your boyfriend it would make sense for you to have your own friendship with her too, next time they’re meeting up you should go along. I know if i had a male best friend with a partner I didn’t know too well I’d want to get to know her too and she’d have an open invite to anything I was doing with him.

You’ve been cheated on before so you’re insecure, but you can’t punish this guy for the actions of your exes. That’s incredibly unfair. And you can’t control who he sees and who he’s friends with, that’d be unfair and controlling. So all you can do is trust him until you have reason to not.

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 10:35

Of course it would be different if it was a man! The OP thinks he might be involved with a woman - she's not worried about his male friends.

I agree with the first poster, OP - if you have a baby with someone you barely know, then all sorts of things can come to light, I'm afraid. The problem with his relationship with the other woman is that if you force it, you could just send it underground.

Original poster
FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 10:43

To be honest, I never had a problem with it in the beginning as he has always been transparent about it and I knew before we got together that he had this friend, although at the time she was seeing another female and was not as close to my boyfriend as they are now.
She is nice and like I say we always chat when we meet each other but it's just starting to grate on me now how much time they actually spend together.
I know I can't make anyone change and I don't want to try and control him and his friendship either, it's just changed over the course of our relationship, he's even admitted it himself that he is closer to her now than he was when we first got together so it's maybe that which is making me feel uncomfortable. I guess if there's nothing I can do about it and it's still making me unhappy once my ds arrives, I'll just need to leave.

OP posts:
Mousefunky · 06/07/2018 10:51

They spend far too much time with each other. I have Male and female friends and we don’t talk all day every day and spend anywhere near as much time together as he does with her. Missing your baby shower to watch football with her?! What’s next? Will he be missing your birth to pick her up from a date? This situation would make me hugely uneasy and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do.

You need to speak to him about it. I wouldn’t be happy if my DP was spending quite as much time with Male friends either tbh so it’s not necessarily about whether they are up to anything else or not (doesn’t sound like they are.)

LyndseyKola · 06/07/2018 10:53

Missing your baby shower to watch football with her?! What’s next?

Baby showers are traditionally female-only. I’ve never known anyone to have their male partner at their baby shower.

Original poster
FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 10:58

Thanks Mousefunky and yes, LyndseyKola, they have always been traditionally female only from where I am from too, it's just that we were at a bbq of hers last Saturday and then he was round at hers again on the Sunday to pick up the chairs we brought round and ended up staying to watch the football with her. It's just a bit strange to me, they were never like this in the beginning and I guess I wonder if he has gone off me or I'm boring now, he'd rather be seeing/doing something with her - that does make me a bit jealous.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 06/07/2018 11:01

hhmmm yeah I'll be honest I'd be a bit put out by that too, having female friends is fine but it is odd that they text eachother so much and spend so much time together. People don't normally do that with friends of either gender unless they're 16 years old or into eachother

HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:03

He's actually behaving as though she's his girlfriend, isn't he? He says he's closer now than he was. Is she likely to be a friend of yours, too? It seems to be something that really shuts you out and excludes you.

Original poster
FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 11:05

Yeh, I think I'm a different sort of person too, I don't even text female friends constantly and see them as much as this, plus I don't have any male friends. Think that's where I don't really understand it's making it more difficult to accept and since they are closer now than they were when we first started our relationship.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/07/2018 11:08

The thing is you are still in the early days of your relationship and yet he is giving another woman all of his attention. This is time he should be spending with you, getting to know you, and building a life together, not constantly texting and meeting up with another woman.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/07/2018 11:10

I think they just sound like really good mates. But then I have close male friends and siblings so it seems more normal to me.
Of course he missed the baby shower! I'm ancient and have been to loads and have only been to one where the other halves were present and they were off doing their own thing like a dad's baby shower.
If it was a male I don't think you'd have a problem so try and relax a bit. Just see how it goes. I personally don't think you have anything to worry about but if it's making you unhappy then maybe you need to talk to him. I just wouldn't bank on the response you want, they sound very close.

BounceAndClimb · 06/07/2018 11:14

It sounds OK to me, as you said they've known each other over 3 years, and you've known your boyfriend for a year.
There was at least 2 years of him being available if they had wanted to be together.

The only thing that would bother me is them doing things really regularly together if its eating into your time as a couple.
They should invite you at least.

Original poster
FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 11:27

No she is not a friend of mine, I only know her through him although I would try to be friends with her.

OP posts:
BounceAndClimb · 06/07/2018 11:59

Why not go along the time after the baby shower when they go to see the football? You can get to know her and hopefully won't feel threatened once you do.

Original poster
FirstTimeMummyxo · 06/07/2018 12:02

Good idea BounceAndClimb, thanks. He hasn't asked me to go along with them but I just messaged him to ask if I should meet him after to tag along with them, will see what he says to that.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 06/07/2018 12:31

The fact it's got more frequent would concern me - not from a romantic angle, but more that I'd be wanting more time together in the weeks before the birth, not less.

cakecakecheese · 06/07/2018 12:40

Perhaps it's got more frequent because he realises he won't be seeing her as much once the baby comes, what with him having to raise his child and all.

I don't think you've got anything to worry about from a cheating pov but it does seem like the sort of surrogate bf/gf relationship that single people sometimes have and should usually be ramped down quite a lot when one of the parties enters into a relationship with someone else.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 06/07/2018 12:44

When the babies arrives you guys will probably be too busy/tired to do all the nice things couples do together (certainly that's what happened when my 3 DCs were first born). I'd be using this time before the birth to really build some lovely memories and experiences in with you BF. The two of you need some good quality time together, especially because your relationship is so young. Your BF should be focusing on trips away and dates with you. Why don't you try planning fun things to do together? Are the two of you still going on dates or just sitting in the house? Maybe he just likes to get out.

Personally, I do think it's a bit odd. When I first met my husband we were mad about each other and both chose to spend our free time together rather then with other people a lot of the time.

Having kids is great, but it can really put a strain on a relationship.

Agree with PP - if nothing dodgy is going on there should be no problem with you tagging along to some things.

Joysmum · 06/07/2018 15:57

I’d have an issue if my partner had more quality time and invested more effort in a friendship than he did our relationship.

NotAnotherHeffalump · 06/07/2018 16:46

joysmum just summed up what i was trying to say perfectly Smile

Toodamnhot · 06/07/2018 16:53

The texting all day would be too much for me and the dropping her off at dates is ridiculous. Presumably he is leaving you to go and be with her.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 06/07/2018 17:33

I never understand the "if it were a man you wouldn't have a problem" type comments because a) it never seems to happen with a member of the same sex and b) as joysmum says it's about the partner investing more into a friendship than a relationship. Constant texting from morning till night at the expense of time spent with your partner is disrespectful.

Bluntness100 · 06/07/2018 17:39

Could it be he would normally do these things with you but as you don't drink at the moment, he's kind of doing them with her? If he's taking her in dates it really does just sound like they are mates and nothing more.

SuperSuperSuper · 06/07/2018 17:49

I know that hetero men can have purely platonic women friends (I have experience of this) but this frankly is OTT.

If he's not cheating, he could be laying the groundwork - even subconsciously, maybe. I have a feeling that her telly and the relaxing barbecues will be even more appealing when the baby arrives and his home life naturally becomes more chaotic and frazzled.

I also think that she's behaving in an odd way - most women know that you don't act like this with men who are with pregnant partners. Is she an attention-seeker, or does she have feelings for him?

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