Can the end be this close and over something that could be seen as small?

[WaxOnFeckOff]

I'll try to keep it short. DH and I been together for 24 years. Two DC 18 and 16. We've had our ups and downs, he has depression and is more or less off medication. I'm not particularly physically affectionate which he would prefer but we mostly get on fine. No fighting etc. Things been pretty good lately. But he has said/done some pretty shitty things in the past which I don't forget. I'm sure he thinks the same about me to be fair.

Anyway currently away on holiday. DH likes his exercise regime. I think it helps his mental health so whilst it sometimes intrudes, we work round it. A couple of mornings ago he encouraged DC to get up and join him. He said that night did DC want to join him again. DC said yes. It was DCs birthday and when DH got up he said that he wasn't wakening him after all since it was his birthday. I called him out on this as it was obvious that he just didn't want to have DC join him after all. He still didn't wake him and spun the same story to DC later. We are barely talking now but made an effort for birthday meal etc. It might seem petty, but to me it just shows that he is completely selfish and also that he thinks we are stupid. By the way he moans constantly that DC don't exercise enough and has poor posture. I just want to tell him to sling his hook to be honest but at some time think I've maybe made a mountain out of a molehill. We came close to splitting up a few years ago but things got much better when he went on anti D'S. A few weeks ago I was happy to think of us growing old together.

But if he had DC out with him a few mornings in a row previously, maybe he could have been telling the truth about letting him have a lie in on his birthday instead of perhaps doing something he possibly doesn't really enjoy but was using to connect with his dad? It's really difficult to say as it's obviously in the context of long term issues which one can't quantify in a post. In isolation it sounds like, if I'm being blunt, a big overreaction on your part and a real shame because your DC will have felt that tension on the birthday and at the meal. However clearly this isn't in isolation so it's really hard to say. It does seem a major escalation given just a few short weeks ago you were planning to grow old together. Has anything else happened?

You sound so fed up Op, do you think that some counselling may help you to work out what you want to do about this situation? If so your gp may be able to refer you.

It sounds as though you and your husband could do with sitting down and talking about what is going on. How receptive is he to discussions about things like this? Would he take on board how you feel?

Tbh if he is inherently selfish he is unlikely to make long lasting changes. So you may be faced with a difficult choice.

I am sure there are other time he's been a selfish arse given the rest of what you've posted but on this occasion I don't think he's in the wrong. I worship the ground my kids walk on but my exercise\dog walking time is probably the only time I get to just "be", not having to worry about them, not having to make conversation, just be in my own head space without being on call as "Mum!" Maybe he woke up really needing that? Which I can relate to tbh.

He got DC up one morning, DC enjoyed it. DH had a history of making offers to people and then regretting it and hoping they don't accept. He did take them both down to the sea with him later. They have weeks to sleep in. He was talking 8ish, not early. Yep I am fed up. Supposed to be taking bus into town today. Think might just be me and boys.

It sounds like a "straw that broke the camel's back" situation?

As you're on holiday right now, you're together pretty much 24/7, whereas normally I assume he/both of you are working and therefore only having to put up with each other for a handful of hours a day. Is it possible this has made you realise that you don't actually like him as a person?

He got DC up one morning, DC enjoyed it. DH had a history of making offers to people and then regretting it and hoping they don't accept.

This is why it's hard to advise on one post. Totally appreciate obviously you can't get that much history into one! Definitely sounds like a "camel's back" job.
Can you get a bit of time by yourself to have a good think? It does sounds like you don't like him very much any more.

Yep, I sometimes need my own space too but he shouldn't have offered then or just sucked it up imo. DC already doesn't have great confidence, being rejected by your parent on your birthday doesn't help. It's the selfishness and added attempt to cover that up that makes it worse. He could have got up done most of his routine and then wo ken DC to do a bit with him too.

Yep. Nail on head. I don't think I like him although I probably do still love him.

This is just an excuse for a much bigger problem.

You 2 need some help - I would try some counselling. You talk about he’s fine things in the past which you can’t forget. These feelings have been harbouring for years.

As for him not waking up kids aged 18 & 16. He shouldn’t have to. They are old enough to wake themselves up. If they want to go they can get themselves up - stop mollycoddling them.

Yes, get the no mollycoddling bit. It's not about them not getting up. It's the fact he asked if they wanted him to wake them to do exercise. One DC said no, the other said yes. Had he said "I will be doing exercises at X time and you are welcome to come and join me" then it would be down to them to get up or not. He never specified a time as he wasn't setting an alarm for himself either, just starting at whatever time he got up.

He has definitely been better of late so I thought he'd put his much of his selfish ways behind him. He does do stuff for others, a lot of the time willingly, but this attitude resurfaces and it brings it all back. He'd be more agreeable to counseling than me to be fair. I'm a private person and also stubborn so am aware I'm not without fault. I am also very fiercely protective of my DC and I would always prioritise them over myself or him. I'm sure he doesn't feel the same. I also lost my mum recently so am aware I'm maybe more emotional than I normally might be.

There is an excellent blog somewhere called something like - my wife left me because I didn't wash up my coffee mug.

The point was really that an accumulation of very small things, in the end is enough. And that small actions reflect underlying attitudes (in the case of the coffee cup, it reflected a lack of respect as you always expect the other person to clear up after you.)

On the other hand, if a couple of weeks ago you were happy. Then I wonder what has triggered this. Is it your Mum?
Someone in RL for you to talk things through would help, and some counselling together as a couple too.
I woudln't want to write off 24 years too quickly