another -"He said he doesn't love me anymore" post-help ladies need support!

[atmywitsendnow]

Hello all! I was told this site is great for support so here I am.

I have been with my hubby for 17 years, 8 years married. Our son is 4 years old. August 2017, due to his job relocating him, we moved to another state where we knew no one, but we knew we would be OK because we were us and our family unit was strong! Around March, he started staying out all night without calling to let me know he was ok, strolling into the house in the am, hanging out with his young co workers (he is 38, co workers 21, 22)-things that he never did. He is a homebody and just loved being with his family or his best friends ever so often. April comes around and he tells me "being in a relationship is too much, he is too young to have the family life, and that he doesnt want to be responsible for anyones feelings, relationships are too much work, and he chooses his freedom." "he wants to be considered a "good time" for women because that is all he can offer" and "that he does not love me in the romantic sense anymore bc I require all the things he doesnt want to do or be, his freedom outweighs all of that" Complete and utter shock is not the word, its like someone threw me out of a plane without the parachute. Since then we have been still in the same home, bc he wants us to still be a family unit bc I am his best friend. He goes out, stays out, comes back in the am, just flying by night right now. I recently told him, I cant do this, and I will be taking our son and moving back to our home state so that I can heal, and be the best mom to our son. Living for me. He is completely irate and just mean, is calling me selfish and says that as a mom I need to make sacrifices for my son. THIS IS ALL THAT I DO. and I told him, if I am not happy, my son wont be happy, he knows when his mama is sad and he knows you are the cause of it! I feel horrible bc I am breaking up the family unit by "leaving" but in my right mind, I'm like no he did that! Advice, encouragement. all is appreciated. thank you!

You're the selfish one according 5l him? Pull the other one. He's the one who arranged his life to have a family and be married etc and is now breaking it apart with a hammer on a whim. He's so monumentally selfish that there aren't even words. I'm sorry this is happening and going back to your home state sounds like the best thing for you. He opted out of the family when he decided to break up

@asleepallday Thank you for your response! Thank you for confirming that I am not crazy and me thinking he is just selfish! I am having a hard time understanding how someone just decides to "opt out" of real life and responsibility smh

He’s an unreliable unfit father and partner. Leave him, make your own way. How DARE he put this bs I know you when he’s the one who broke the family.

Sorry for typos, angry on your behalf.

He sounds like a horrible twat. At the moment he has the best of both world's, he's still got his family while living the single life. Dont feel bad for pulling the rug from under him, he had no qualms doing it to you and your child. You deserve to be happy.

he is too young to have the family life
He is 38 years old! He needs to get a grip and stop embarrassing himself

and that he doesnt want to be responsible for anyones feelings

Eerrr you've got a kid, sunshine, to late for that.

He sounds horrid. You deserve better. Chuck him out. He won't go because he is currently "living the dream" for men like him - he has a dutiful caregiver at home providing all comforts, and living like a college student in the evenings. He needs to get out, grow up and get a grip. Tell him.

You’re not the one ‘breaking up the family’, OP. He’s already well and truly done that. Your only responsibility now is to yourself and your DS. Just because the reality of what he’s doing is about to hit home, and now other people will know what he’s been up to, he’s lashing out and trying to turn the blame on you. Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you into staying in a dead relationship for the sake of appearances. You do what you need to do now. Good luck OP.

@frasier thank you for that!!

@custardcream1000 exactly what I told him, you just can't have both! Its impossible!

@AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen he honestly thinks he is just" too young for this and he only has one life to live. He doesn't want to come home to a woman everyday, expecting him to talk to her or require that of him. He wants to move around like the man he is because life is about freedom smh

That is exactly what he is acting like-a college kid! A child!

@TuMeke Thank you for this! And when I tell him, it just doesn't make any sense, and I need to be happy. He says "You are a mother now, and the best thing for our son is to be around both of his parents. You are acting like a weak minded individual just because I am moving around like a single man, doesn't mean you need to leave-get over it, we had a good run, now let's be parents, and you are supposed to be my best friend, you are supposed to understand and not be a typical woman"

Emotionally I am just completely drained everyone. I had hoped for our family unit to remain intact and I do feel horrible that my son wont be able to see his daddy everyday-and so I am really struggling with decision, but reading these posts are making me feel somewhat better-thank you everyone!

He’s a waste of space ! Just leave him to his teenage life . He isn’t the only one in your relationship who gets to make decisions. How convenient for him to have a domestic servant and childminder at home. He’s kicking off now because he knows all this is going to be removed. He’ll have to cook and clean and wash his own pants ... oh , and if he’s so concerned about his child he’ll need to make arrangements to see him .... and don’t forget child support. Please , please leave this excuse of a man.

omg what a sexist, selfish asshole, so basically he wants to screw around and live the life of a single man but also wants you to stay living with him keeping the house and looking after his child while he goes out and has fun? pack your shit and get out of there today, fucking hell the cheek if some people.

feel horrible bc I am breaking up the family unit by "leaving"

NO NO NO, you haven't done that, he has, give yourself a slap everytime that thought comes into your head

he only has one life to live.

Does he think you have two or just yours isn't worth as much as his or?

@atmywitsendnow hope you're okay & not letting this gaslighting ass get away with it. It must be such a shock but he's made it clear that he wants out & has no interest in giving up his 'younger' new life. I know it will be an upheaval but sounds like you have your head screwed on and know your kid is more important than this almost mid life crisis!