Breaking point / breaking up?

[Ohreallysir]

Hello MN. Sorry this so long.

Firstly, I'm a male, just joined having read threads on breaking up and/or trying to keep it together.

I've come here because in I think women are incredible but often, the problems I'm having with the most significant woman in my life seem beyond my comprehension.

We've talked, written to each other, and more. We're both high functioning dysfunctionals, I think. Im more dysunctional, on the face of it, and more high functioning at times, if that makes sense. We're both damaged and trapped in an ever decreasing cycle of neglect, conflict and confusion. She is dyspraxic, btw.

She's a lot younger than me. I think she's truly beautiful and I tell her. Shes kind and loving to our two young children. I love her. She says she loves me.

We are almost never intimate any more. We have stressful jobs, a stressful life all in all. We have big plans to bring so many strands of life together. She is disorganised. I'm generally not.

I'm a very damaged person, I'm afraid to admit. I was in a family that lost it's collective mind through job loss, questionbable mental health on one side and a sibling rivalry with an older sister that still, so long after, seems based on deep resentment on her part, mostly.

To compound, we were split up during a terrible, well known, tragedy. She went in one direction to eventual safety, I another, from a deadly place. I looked for her for an hour, witnessing every possible sight and sound as many people died. She resents me even over that.

We were collectively scorned and blamed for what happened that day, wrongly. I've been part of an ongoing investigation over it for the last 6 years. It happened much longer ago.

I've been married, have two older children. She left when she felt I was too mad and perhaps bad to stay with. Her going, with our babies, broke my heart, but I wronged her in more than one way.

I admit I have trust issues. Trust about people being honest, difficulty at times accepting love. I expect the worst, a lot of the time. I don't really try to make friends. I can be quite a loner, although I'm popular with work colleagues, it seems. I make friends with women quite easily. I find other men find me a bit complex. I blame that on experiences. Women cope with it better.

My partner lost her mum when she was 7. She struggles to live out days missing her, her input, her being part of all she's achieved and achieving, her kids.

I don't want this to fail. When we have been close, it's felt like we could have everything, and give everything to our kids, and to those others we love. But it's been getting harder, since we had our second child, the petty jealousies and overly stretching compromises, and her fledgling career in the same line of work I've done for years taking her away so far from what feels like giving us a chance to mend and move in together.

We're at breaking point. Rows. Neglect. Hurt. Both of us. New possibilities and friendships. I quietly wait for her to find someone else, given how poor it's all become.

But I think we love each other. I mean, I only think she loves me. We adore our children.

What can we do?

There's far more to say, to admit to, but this is already towards essay length. I'd have to see how this goes down first.

On paper, all told, we probably shouldn't even try to imagine having a future.

There’s no law that says you should be together. Given your histories, the likelihood of the happy ever after you crave without some serious and sustained professional support is unlikely. The priority should be the wellbeing of your children and if you and your wife’s relationship is such a mess, then you need to think long and hard about if it’s a healthy environment to raise them in.

There aren’t any instant fixes but a start, would be to deal with your own issues, which many pre date your marriage.

Thanks.

No law was presumed. I've had over 20 years of therapy. I don't crave a happy ever after ending, I simply said we both saw a clear one at times, but yes, professional support would be ideal.

Anyone any suggestions of where that could be/would be best?

The welfare of the children is paramount. If it wasn't I probably wouldn't have resorted to seeking the insight of strangers before they lose one of their parents from their home.

Well, Mumsnet, as a once single parent and as a very involved Dad, I've seen how gender politics has changed and I've embraced every part of it that I can. I'm also a teacher and I am involved in discussing how men and women interact, particularly with regards to children.

As a community, and as one purportedly and largely representing female parents, you've actually informed me in terms of growing beliefs I might have had regarding the sexism that many women show towards men.

I won't share any more personal details here, but let it suffice to say that in taking my children to many events involving mostly women parents with children, I've found the welcome to be as warm as it has been here, the useful advice to be equally non-existent (children's welfare is paramount - well hey, thanks) and the turn of back to be oh so familiar.

Fortunately, my partner feels similarly regarding many female parents. Her dad raised her and her brother with no help at all from the motherhood fraternity but with very much judgement and presumption about his capacity to do every single task that was required of him. And me too. So perhaps, inadvertently, I've discovered something very useful. As a male, don't ask the opinion of a fraternity of women. They are, many, fundamentally sexist.

How long have you been together?

I am just struggling with the detail and trying to determine what you feel is the issue. What do you want to happen or not happen in your marriage?

I don't think its because you are male that you don't get "warm" reception, your post is detailed but most would struggle to unpack the issues.

You have had signifcant trauma in your life
You have a poor relationship with your sister, does that impact your trust with women?
You have 1 previous marriage and you feel you treated your wife badly.
You and your wife have stressful careers, hers takes her away from home which you don't seem to like.
You now have 4 children so life is/must be hectic
You have had 20 years of therapy yet not feeling happy in your life.

I would genuinely say that MN is great place to get help but you need to check your expectations...no one can resolve this for you in a few posts.

Stay with it if you really want support, be prepared to be challenged and questioned as outsiders can offer insight that you may not see as too close to the situation.