Don't know what to do

[Sugarfish]

Today 00:33 Sugarfish

Hi everyone

I really need some advice, I don't know if the relationship I'm in is wrong or if I'm the problem

For background info I spent 5 years in a horrible relationship, mostly ea on a couple of times physically abusive. I spent a lot of time after feeling quite angry, like I had been robbed of my youth, spending a lot of time feeling upset and down, watching my friends enjoy their lives whilst I was young, trying to hold it together and also hide what was happening to me from friends and family. I don't know why I did that.

I eventually left, I grew confidence, made new friends and met a man through work who I felt I could trust. The relationship grew and 6 years later we now live together, have a mortgage and a cat, great! However, it's not all been plain sailing, he has extreme anxiety and thinks he has bdp. Our day to day lives our not easy and I find I am walking on eggshells a lot as even the slightest comment can set him off. Even if we are walking along a street and another couple are walking towards us, if I don't instantly jump out of the way into the road to let them pass then I am getting in the way and embarrassing him, when all it would take is a quick shuffle over on the pavement and and "excuse me, I'm sorry" but for him this would be mortifying! We have other arguments where I feel I can't say anything. For example he will get upset if he feels his hair doesn't look right one day. If I say it looks fine, even if to me it does then that is the wrong answer, it's means he is wrong, and I am undermining his opinion. If was to agree and tell him it looked shit then I would be the bad guy, I just can't win. And the argument that follows is always full blown, he shouts, belittles me, occasionally throws things.

We've been having the same argument for the past week, about 4 times. I apparently don't keep the house clean enough. I really do try, I am out the house from 7 till 7 at work Monday to Friday. I am also training for a half marathon at the moment so run a few times a week. The house is clean, I tend not to go to bed before midnight to ensure this. If he finds a dusty corner then it is a big drama. I have told him that if he notices is then just clean it, it will take a few minutes but apparently I don't understand the stress of his job and how he needs the evenings to unwind. In actual fact my job is more stressful, it's just he gets paid a tiny bit more and he says it's funny that I can make time for running but not time to clean the house properly. I told him I can't give up running as its my one hobby outside the house I have. According to him this is me telling him he's controlling and I am a bitch to suggest that and I have hang ups from my previous relationship.

So as I was saying we have been arguing this week, we both have tomorrow off work and went to our favourite restaurant, thought it would be nice to have a meal and a few cocktails as not having to get up early tomorrow and it was going well until a group of friends were sat at a table next to us. There was nothing wrong with them but he decided he didn't like the look of them. Think normal looking girls and guys about early 20s they were being a little bit loud but not being rowdy or anything and the place were at is quite casual anyway. They just looked like young people having a good time. He started making loudish comments about them being "entitled twats" I said ignore them, you don't know them and they are just trying to enjoy there evening as we are. This was apprently the wrong thing to say as since that comment he has argued against everything I had said in conversation, we left the restaurant in a bad mood and it is apparently my fault as I am over sensitive and need therapy due to my previous relationship. I feel like he is picking on me but he says I am damaged from it and being over sensitive. I am sick of it. He always threatens to leave when we have these arguments. Tonight I told him to go if he wanted, that I don't feel I have the strength anymore. He went out for a bit and came back with a friend. They are upstairs now and h wants to talk tomorrow. I don't know what to do. I would really appreciate some advice from someone who is in a relationship with a mentally ill person. He is not exactly self diagnosed. The doctors agree there is something wrong and he is due to start medication in a few weeks and currently waiting to see a psychiatrist but it is a slow process on the nhs and we cannot afford to go private. Does is get any easier? Do you grow a thicker skin through time and understanding or am I better off out of it?

Thank you it you've read this until the end, I wanted to be honest and not drip feed x

I don't have any advice I'm sorry but I did read to the end and just wanted to say I'm sorry it's hard right now.
Hoping this bump up will help for traffic .
Xx

You are better off out of it, he’s an abusive twat. He came back with a friend a wants to speak to you tomorrow? That’s like some bullying teacher stretching out a punishment so you sleep in fear.

You are not his slave. He throws things? Get out!

Didn't want to read and run.
I'll be honest, no real experience of being in a relationship with someone with mental illness, but to me what you are describing sounds like controlling behaviour, and I personally wouldn't like it.

You sound like you work full time and long hours, so why are you responsible for cleaning the house? It sounds like he resents your running, which sounds a great thing for you, and I can't see why he wouldn't see thst.

I've never been in an abusive relationship but to me the way he is behaving is unsettling. If you were my friend or my dds I would be thinking you can do much better than this. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear

I have BPD and it usually means extreme emotions that can swing around & feeling unstable in relationships but it doesn't mean bullying or taking it out on your partner ALL THE TIME. Fear of abandonment is a big thing but I'm honestly not mean all the time. He needs to explore medication and DBT and support groups and you would be right to tell him those things are non negotiable if you want to go on

Also stuff like throwing things and always putting you down would be deal breakers for me and I AM the one with BPD. It's a very misunderstood illness but it honestly doesn't mean a free pass for abuse

Thanks to the replies, I just feel like if I were to leave I would be a bitch from walking out on someone who is ill, I don't know whether to stay for a bit longer to see if the medication works, sorry I can't remember the name of it, it's a mood stabiliser and sedative if anyone with bpd has any experience with something like that. Or just to leave now. We're not married but in sickness and in heath and all that. I might propose a break tomorrow? It's hard as we have the house and the cat, we both bloody love that cat and I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to stress him out, I know he's not our child but we are responsible for him. I'm also really attached to his family and don't want them out of my life. I know his mum wouldn't hate me though. She knows what he is like.

Also I tend to take control of the cleaning or I feel it wouldn't get done properly. I think that is more my issue though

I'm not really sure if he is controlling or not. Certainly when he's in a rage he can be very spiteful and nasty but compared to my ex he has never stopped me from going out with my friends or seeing family, never tried to control my finances, it's just when he gets argumentative he can twist things to make it my fault and I don't know if that's his mental illness taking over or if that's who he really is

If I read this properly, you're worried because his response to things is because of mental illness. I've been hospitalised 3 times and sectioned once because of depression. I'm hyper-aware of how people are feeling and it annoys me that people use mental illness as an excuse for bad behaviour. Think there's a Robin Williams quote around this, that people who understand what it's like to be sad go out of their way to not make other people sad.

If he has OCD that doesn't explain being nasty to other people. And again people I know who have OCD / Anxiety are very aware of it.

Sorry but this sounds abusive to me

Thank you, all honest answers are welcome and I very much appreciate the views of people with experience. We did originally think it was bad anxiety and he was put on setraline but it didn't make much of a difference. The doctors think it is something more now.
He just came downstairs, I ignored him which I know is childish but he touched me on the shoulder, was teary eyed and said whatever happens I love you. I had prevously asked him earlier if he even likes me anymore as it feels like he has been constantly having a go at me this past week. I just told him I was going to bed soon, that I don't know what will happen tomorrow but we need to talk about it all and decide what to do. He tried to apologise and I told him not to as there is no point anymore

Take the apology if it comes with something. A promise to go to counselling and/or relationship counselling. Relate are great. Also this is your time to set down boundaries or what is and isn't acceptable. And be strong, if he carries on its not acceptable x

I do tend to think despite whatever MH issues he has going on he is being abusive towards you.

If your instinct is to leave him but you are not wanting to out of fear of being a “bitch” then please know that you are completely justified in ending this relationship and you are not a bad person at all.

You deserve to feel happy, loved and appreciated.

Good luck to you

Well, I have severe bipolar disorder, and have had for my entire adult life, if that's any help?

There is a huge difference between things you do which are a symptom of your illness, and being a twat. While there are things that could be put down to symptoms of his illness, eg the cringing at having to negotiate walking past people on a pavement, most of this just sounds like he's an awful, abusive person. Being mentally ill doesn't mean you throw things at people. Being mentally ill doesn't mean you refuse to do housework, then criticise someone else's attempt at it. Being mentally ill doesn't mean that you get to use someone else's past struggles against them in an argument (that's such a shitty, shitty thing to do). There are just so many red flags in your post, this comment could go on for pages!

I know you have been in an EA relationship before, but not all perps follow the same script. They all have their own, personal little quirks. So he doesn't stop you going out, but keeps you exhausted, up until midnight doing the bloody cleaning. His job is important and stressful, so you carry responsibility for absolutely everything else. Then it's easy to fail, so he has lots of ammo.

No, you're not being a mean bitch. You're not leaving because he's ill, you're leaving because he's awful.

Totally agree with @Arum51 I had times where I couldn't do the housework because I couldn't get out of bed. I didn't get aggressive I got worse due to the guilt of it.

@Ginismyfriendx We've all been there. If he usually did stuff, and she was being angry because he'd stopped, that would be different. If he was saying "My ability to sequence tasks is shot. I am confused and fragmented. If I try to clean, you will walk in to a half-emptied dishwasher, cleaning products removed from the cupboard and left on the floor, and possibly the hoover whirring away by itself, while I sit upstairs rocking and listening to loud music to try and centre myself. Then you will get cross with me." that would be different.

But he isn't. This has nothing to do with his mental illness. He just expects her to do everything, and then has the damn cheek to criticise her when she does it!

In your first paragraph you talk about feeling like you missed out on your life being in an abusive relationship for 5 years. You current relationship is no different - you are missing so much....

I have bpd.
He is just a twat.
Honestly.Leave him.
Before kids are brought into the mix

Its not all mh. A lot of it is being an asshole.id leave him. Hes so miserable and rude.

Jesus you work and dont have children.why the fuck are lingering for? Id run.

I really don't think you can blame his behaviour on his mental health problems, he is abusive.

Nobody should have to put up with being treated like you are, you need to get away from him to protect your own mental health.

You have a job and no children, what are you waiting for? Run for the hills!

You deserve better than this.

Agree with the consensus. He may have mental illness too, but underneath that he is an abusive twat and using his MH as an excuse to enable his abuse. I don't think you owe him anything in the sense of waiting for meds to work. Also, the teary eyed "I love you" when you show some strength is a classic tactic.

Another with bpd who thinks he's just a twat. Anxiety is usually about oneself, his seems to be all about your behaviour. He sounds extremely manipulative and seems to have manipulated his doctor as well. Did you go to the doctor with him? You have no idea what bollox he told the doctor, or what the doctor actually said to him. Doctors had out setraline like candy. I got some after a 2 minute appointment! I presume he felt you pulling away and has gone for the old magic 'you can't leave if I'm ill' card.

Please don't compare one abusive twat to another. Just because he doesn't do exactly the same things doesn't mean he isn't controlling. This one seems more subtle, that's all

If you dont think you should leave him because of his 'MH', look at the times his 'MH flair ups' It's all when you're there!!! Is it happening at work, with friends? Is he shouting at them? Is he accusing them of doing things to cause his anxiety? Is he insulting clients calling then entitled twats? leaving meeting because he can't cope with strangers? Nope! This is all about you. Remove yourself, and I bet he miraculously recovers. Until his poor next gf.

The bloke is a knob. Maybe a knob who has some health problems, but a knob nonetheless.

He's just plain bloody awful. You need to get away before you're broken.