Am I expecting too much from a friendship?

[Thursdaysnamechange]

It feels like a close friend doesn't approve of some of the choices I've made. Part of me understands why - that she doesn't know everything. But I also thought as a friend she would assume the best. I'm feeling quite hurt by recent things as she matters a lot to me.

There has always been a suggestion that while I chose to leave my marriage, she could never choose to be apart from her children. (Being apart has felt unbearable at times but I feel I can't say this). I have never told any of my friends much about my marriage, in part out of loyalty to my children. He's their father and we work hard at putting them first. But also it feels private. This is just one example where I assume she should know enough to think I must have had good reason.

I don't know whether honesty would help or whether I feel too let down.

It sounds like you've approach your relationship ending in a very dignified and reasonable way. Putting your children first is absolutely the right thing to do. It might be hard for others to be sympathetic if they don't know how bad it was for you though. Is it that you've given the impression that you've taken the break up more light heartedly than you actually have? Is she being a bit judgy when you need support? But perhaps she's finding it hard to know you need support, if you're quite private about these things?

Partly I haven't been open because she has a low tolerance of depression/anxiety etc. Because I've been private I've excused things like her poking fun at me seeing a counsellor. And because alongside this she has also been a great friend in other ways. But now she has been judgy about my work and financial situation. A little bit unkind actually. Again perhaps I could explain more but I can't imagine judging anyone elses choices.
I guess when there isn't honesty the friendship is perhaps not as great as I was thinking.

Maybe she tries to dig of joke about it as a way of opening up the conversation? What you see as being private might feel, to her, like you're shutting her out.

Given your description, she doesn't sound like the greatest friend....

Some of the times she has seems critical she has still been there without question, eg, she would be on your doorstep in a crisis - perhaps thinking you should pull yourself together, but with a casserole and shopping. That has seemed like a great friend, that she doesn't get it but has your back.

But it's starting to feel odd as a friendship dynamic to wonder what she is really thinking.

But she must also wonder what you are thinking because it doesn't sound like you tell her?

I’m going through the exact same thing. I really believed that I would get support, as I have always been very non judgemental and supportive with my friends.

To be honest I think there will be an element of shutting her out, but in my case this is because I have tried to talk it through and haven’t had support, just comments that make it worse such as the ‘pull yourself together’.

It means that it feels much easier to pull away whilst you are dealing with the difficult situation because the comments etc. just make everything feel harder.

No friendship is perfect. This is my conclusion and I've been around a bit. People can be very disappointing.

BUT she has so much that is right, focus on that. Tighten up your boundaries so you don't ignor crap behaviour and disrespectful comments - but don't be unkind.

Did I read right that you left your children when you left the marriage? Tbh most mothers would find this incomprehensible, no wonder she's digging to find out why you did it.

She may also be baffled by the 'private' thing. You don't share crucial details with her, which she may find hurtful. You expect her to stand by you come what may which is a high expectation imo.

I didn't leave my children. I took them with me. Sorry that's uncles. The time apart is when they stay with their dad. She has repeatedly felt sorry for my ex too because I left him. I get she doesn't know the full details but it still hurts. I see it's a high expectation to expect her to accept me saying it's too difficult to talk about. Concentrating on her good points is the way to go.

Sorry for your experience too WineOhWine

I agree she should assume the best of you if she's a friend. It doesn't matter what she'd do, it's how you feel that she should be focusing on. Do you have other friends? It doesn't sound like she's much of a friend, really.

She has repeatedly felt sorry for my ex too because I left him

Ah now, that's different.

Maybe she's a frenemy? I wouldn't continue with the friendship as it is - have it out with her that her comments and allegiance to him are NOT acceptable to you. If she refuses to stop then I'd ditch her.

I'm going to have a go at saying something next time. I will try to be assertive but respectful.
I'm not sure about frenemy. I think she has a need to judge to feel better herself. That's my pop psychology guess! We have had some fantastic times together but recent times have left me feeling bad. I guess my own self esteem is recovering a bit.

I have only a few friends but I've never felt anything other than support from the others. I think what upset me yesterday was wondering if others have been hiding their true feelings but I don't think so.

No, don't let the way she behaves make you feel paranoid!

Good luck with saying something next time xx