We've been together about eight years, and I think it took about a year for him to start. He would start shouting at me, calling me all sorts of nasty things, if I did something he didn't like. He's just OCD and hates things out of a routine, so if I put a mug in the wrong place, or god forbid, dripped a bit of water on the floor, he would go ballistic and start screaming the house down, calling me an f'ing idiot and worse. Five minutes later he would completely switch, and make out it was all a joke. When I pulled him up on it he would say "promise you won't do that again" and it will be fine.
AT that point, I lived about 50 miles away and only saw him maybe twice a month (I would stay overnight for 2-3 days). He lived with his parents and his dad would get cross at him so it was more controlled, but he had a lot of arguments that ended with me walking out of the house. This was when he started calling me fat, picking my looks apart, telling me I needed to dress sexier. But again, he would later say it was all a joke, I'd go home and that was that. We also never did anything nice together apart from go to his town. He hates holidays, days out or going out generally unless it's to see his mates.
We broke up for about six months, I grew tired of it. But I've always had low self esteem and men have never been interested in me. It's worth mentioning I've always been a loner, I haven't had friends since school and I'm not close to my family after being treated badly in the past. While I lived with my parents, my relationship with my dad was very bad but I didn't have the job or financial means to leave. I was using my boyfriend's house as an escape from my parents, strange as that sounds.
I was lonely and we got back together. Things were okay for a while, but then it would start. Mainly it would be snide comments about my weight (I am only a size 10 btw), calling me a loser for having a low paid job or just generally putting me down. I zoned out a while ago and don't take it to heart anymore.
We moved in a year ago and now a day goes by without a fight. I had to get away from my family. He shouts at me so loudly the neighbours must hear. He doesn't let me use the frying pan as he thinks it will make a mess and everything I do here is controlled. I'm not allowed to even paint my nails as he thinks it will make a mess, and if he spots the smallest crumb he screams at me.
Sometimes it goes beyond shouting. He has a habit of grabbing my neck when he's angry with me. He doesn't do it tightly or anything but I don't like it. It's more of a threat than anything. He's threatened to hit me with the iron but I know he wouldn't actually do it. He grabs me tight and I will dig my nails in him to let go of me and he says I'm the one who's hurt him. I don't think he would hit me but the shouting is bad enough. I hate being shouted at and I am constantly scared of him going ballistic at me.
But again, five minutes later he acts like nothing has happened. He will go and buy me chocolate and say "aren't I a nice bofyfriend. And later he will call me disgusting and fat for eating it. "Look at yourself." He'll say.
In the past he promised to get help for his anger issues, but a friend told him it was probably just stress and that was that. When I threaten to leave him he says "go on then" and doesn't even care.
But the problem is I can't leave easily. I'm on a low wage, in the south east, and no landlord would let me rent a place on my own on my income. Going back to family is not an option, and I have no friends. I have extreme social anxiety so a house share isn't an option either.
I can't talk about this with anyone either. I was close to my mum before moving but contact has basically ceased since we moved. And if I told her she'd pity me, and I can't take that.
I also don't want to be alone. I can't imagine getting close to anyone else, it's so hard for me to let anyone in. I just feel trapped and I don't know if it's my fault. I didn't imagine my life going like this, I'd hope I'd at least meet someone who was kind. I see other couples and I can't imagine having what they do.