Is my weight ruining my relationship?

[cherry1012]

Hi everyone I hope I can get some help. I have been in a 2 year relationship with a solid guy, we don't live together but we see each other 4 nights a week. I have a 3 year old from previous and he has children he sees twice a month. We get along quite well most of the time we have lovely holidays once a year, we like the Same things a lot in common n have a laugh and I do love him but I just don't love myself! The problem is I have put on 3 stone since we been togther.I have suffered bad depression and anxiety for 10 years and it is managed, but since putting on this weight I feel worthless, fat , ugly and tried to go on diets but fail after a week feeling worse. Two of my DP work colleagues have made comments in the past year about me saying I'm fat and he can do better than me. This made me feel so awful I feel like just being alone all the time I'm constantly in a bad mood, I don't find any joy in anything, I'm negative about everything and self loathe everyday. It is horrible being in my head. My partner wants to move in with me in the future but I am not ready I feel so vulnerable and I need to work on Myself first as I'm so unhappy and it just makes us argue all the time. He says he loves me as I am and just wants me to be happy but I'm pushing him away as I don't let him in. I so badly need to change my self as I know I will end up lonely, I just don't know what to do please help. 😩 xx

Your weight isn't making you happy.
Did he tell you what your colleagues said or did they tell you directly?
Putting 3 stones on in 2 years is a lot.
Chances are your DP might love you just as much no matter what size you are.
But for the sake of your own health and wellbeing, I think you should check with your GP or practice nurse.

Ok firstly, how do you know what those delightful colleagues said? Did he tell you or did they? Your answer I think is quite important.

Secondly, self esteem has far more of an impact on a relationship than physical appearance. And none more so than the impact on your relationship with yourself. The language you use to talk about yourself iin your post is so harming. "Fat", "ugly" "worthless" "negative" "bad" "fail". Imagine someone say next to a person all day every day saying those things to them. Can you imagine the impact? That's what you're doing to yourself.
You are so much more than your scale number and dress size. So much more. A really good first step is to try and change your internal monologue around to speak to yourself more positively. Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot. Once you start treating yourself more kindly psychologically, you will start treating your body with more kindness physically - eating healthily and exercise will come much easier because you won't be using food to punish yourself any more. Forget the effect of anything on DP and focus on yourself. Tonight, instead of feeling you've failed because of what you put in your mouth, focus on something you did well. If might be something seemingly tiny like getting dressed or speaking to someone in a shop, but celebrate the positives.

Two of my DP work colleagues have made comments in the past year about me saying I'm fat and he can do better than me.

How do you know this? If your DP told you this then he’s a twat. If my colleagues made such remarks about my DH, no way would I hurt him by telling him

I also would like to know how you heard these comments.

Forget the diets. You know how to lose weight. For some reason you are self sabotaging.

When you say your depression is being treated what do you mean? If you're just taking medication then this could be the problem, get yourself a good therapist.

Start going out for walks in the evening to feel good and enjoy nature, not to burn calories.

Learn how to cook really well, make meals you enjoy and research how to make them healthier. Not with the goal of losing weight but as a kindness to yourself because we all feel happier when we eat healthily.

Try to get out of the mindset that you need to be punished for being overweight and disciplined. Start seeing eating healthily as a treat for yourself. Make a decision you're not gonna weigh yourself for at least a month, you are going to focus purely on making positive changes in your life.

I began salsa dancing and yoga years ago. Learning to dance made me feel sexy and beautiful. Yoga made me self accept and stop all the negative chatter. Suddenly I was naturally taking take care of myself diet wise, signing up for running events on the weekends instead of spending them hungover on the couch. The weight I had spent years trying to shift came off almost as a side effect.

Finally if your DP tells you he loves you... Believe him.

I echo others, how do you know they said this? If DP told you I would be wondering why he’d pass on something so hurtful unnecessarily.

Your weight is making you miserable, it’s time to get it off. It’s not easy but it is possible and if others can do it so can you! How have you been trying so far? The problem with difficult extreme diets is they feel unsustainable so when you inevitably fail your self esteem takes a knock and you stop trying. Slow and steady is the way. I can point you in the direction of a brilliant online community which will support you in your weight loss journey if you want, just let me know!

I never knew whether my weight made me depressed or my depression led to weight gain. What I do know is just how linked they are. Vicious cycle. Have to work quite hard to separate out what should be practical approach to health and well-being from all the emotional tangle entwined through our egos.

There is some mileage in thinking yourself slim but you may need a candid chat with your GP to think about how best to support an improvement in your mental well being.

Good luck and don't waste a lifetime in the guilt/self loathing/comfort eating downward spiral which is what happened to me.

The weight I had spent years trying to shift came off almost as a side effect.

I agree with this. I found an activity that challenged me physically and mentally. Made me stronger and happier- weight loss and fitness were side effects

If you've put on 3 stone due to anxiety and depression while dating him I would suggest that perhaps it is not a good relationship for you. Dump him. Work on yourself.

RabbitsAreTasty I think that’s a bit of a leap, it’s absolutely possible to have anxiety and depression while in a good relationship, a bad relationship can make MH issues worse but it doesn’t follow that a relationship is the cause.

I have depression and have gained weight during the period I’ve had it (lost it now) and an amazing supportive partner. It’s just, as amazing as he is, he can’t support or love me out of depression.

Two of my DP work colleagues have made comments in the past year about me saying I'm fat and he can do better than me

How did you learn this?

Thankyou all for your kind comments and advice it's nice to know people have been through similar.
One comment my dp told about after a day in work. And the second was in front of me when his work had a party and I went and the guy was extremely drunk but still hurt like hell.
My partner is supportive not very much around the house when he stays very lazy and this makes me not wanna move in with him. But the arguments are mainly me picking fights as I've spent the last few days self loathing I don't want him to be around me. He doesn't make my depression worse he never did I've had it for years before him. I have been on the same medication for about 8 years so maybe I need to see my gp about some other ones ?
Overall Ino it's only me who can change the way I think
N feel I find it so hard as I have no self belief to begin with, however this post has really helped motivate me
Thankyou xxc